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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

CD10, Sorta Cycling

A quick update (we've been super busy and will continue to be until after this weekend)!

At u/s on December 23rd RE found 2 or 3 leftover follicles (about 27mm each) from last cycle on left ovary (rightie was all clear). He said this was not uncommon but meant I had 2 choices: 1) skip this cycle, or 2) take BCP for 10 days to see if the follicles would shrink and then we could start the cycle. Although I swear I heard him say the word "choice," he then told me that we would do option 2. Fine by me. So that's where I am now. On BCP until January 4th. Honestly, I'm glad. With the stress of the holidays the last thing I needed was to be giving myself injections and going in for ultrasounds. So the delay is actually good.

One more thing: I "spoke up" about my thin lining (6.5mm last cycle) to my RE, and he spent about 20 minutes looking into it and talking to me about it. He looked at the previous two cycles I've done with them, the first on clomid, the second on femara. He said my lining on one (I forget which) was 6.3, the other was 5.5. He told me that although a thin lining is almost expected with clomid that I shouldn't have a thin lining with gonal-f, and that this was definitely a concern (he said 8mm is minimum) and that we would watch it carefully next cycle. He said that the best way to treat it was with added estrogen, but that if I didn't respond to the estrogen they would have to perform a procedure (name? I forget) to look for adhesions.

I only remembered later that during my previous (November) unmedicated cycle I started an estrogen patch at CD21 and that AF at the end of that cycle was much heavier than what has been normal for me lately, so that seems like a good sign that my lining will respond to estrogen if I need it.

Okay, gotta go for now! Will be back to regular posting and commenting next week!

Happy New Year everyone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CD2, No News Is Not Good News

I did finally get my beta results on CD1 (yesterday). Tell me something I don't already know, RE.

I had called into the office Saturday morning to try to talk to someone and got their answering service (and they're technically open on Saturdays, too...). My RE did finally call me back Saturday night to tell me that he couldn't find the test results and wouldn't be able to get me any info until Monday. He said the word "sorry" about a half a dozen times, so points for that, but still. He'd asked if I'd taken an HPT and suggested I take another one just to make sure. I said I would but didn't, because, well, for the moment, anyway, I'm still living in reality.

So this week's going to be a crazy week for me, so I won't be posting again until next week. At this point I'm still going to try to cycle again right away, I go in tomorrow for my u/s and b/w. But I don't know what their holiday hours will be next week, so we'll see what happens.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

14dpIUI, Beta Results Are... Not In

Guess what time the RE finally called me yesterday with my beta results?


That's right... 7pm rolled around and I thought, "well, it's getting a little late now, but last time I didn't get a call until 7:15..." Then 8pm rolled around and I began to realize: I'm not going to get a call. And at 8pm, who do I call? The office is long closed by then. Since I took the HPT I wasn't all that anxious to get my beta call, but I could imagine what kind of state I would've been in if I hadn't done the HPT. It pissed me off a little to not get a call, but if I hadn't already done the HPT, I would've been livid.

Oh, and when I went in yesterday for the blood draw I spoke to my RE and told him I'd taken an HPT and that it was negative and guess what he said? "Well, urine pregnancy tests can only detect down to 50 hcg, and you might still be early in the pregnancy and have less than that, so we'll see what the blood test shows." What century is this guy from? It's my understanding that HPTs detect down to 25 hcg, sometimes 20 (for "early result" tests, which are the only kind I ever see at a pharmacy).

We're starting to wonder if this is the right RE for us.

Friday, December 18, 2009

13dpIUI, HPT Results Are In

Starkly and undeniably negative.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

12dpIUI, Getting Ready for Beta Day

No new symptoms, except that today my temperature stopped falling. If it had gone down again today I probably would have given up on this cycle. Unfortunately it didn't go back up, but whatever, I'll know one way or another tomorrow so I'm going to try not to over-analyze my chart too much.

So, yeah, tomorrow is beta day. Woo-hoo! I know, I only just recently confessed my love for the 2ww, but that was way back at 8dpIUI. Like, forever ago. I'd forgotten that the last few days of the 2ww are psychological torture. The past 24 hours have been like an endless loop of "Maybe I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm pregnant with multiples! Yeah, right. I'm probably not pregnant. I probably will never be pregnant. But maybe I am pregnant. Maybe I'm..." Wow. Turn it off.

So, I'll be POAS tomorrow morning. As I've posted before, last IUI they didn't call me until 7:15pm with the beta results. What, did the RE have to go out to dinner first or something? I can't wait that long again. And I have thoroughly considered my emotional reactions to each possible outcome of POAS, so I think I'm ready:
  • Test is clearly positive. No need to even discuss this one. Celebration ensues. Can't wait to get the exact number from the beta.
  • Test is clearly negative. Hopes dashed, waiting over, small glimmer of hope that HPT was defective, but negative beta should be less soul crushing.
  • Test has very faint line. Hmmm. This one is the wild card. At 13dpIUI, I would hope that if did I get a line, that it would be fairly dark. A faint line would be the worst option here. But I don't think it would be any worse than not POAS.
I will post results tomorrow morning.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

10dpIUI, Symptom Score

I'm 10 days into the 2ww now, and I've started googling early pregnancy symptoms again. Yes, I know them all already. I've googled them about ten thousand times before. But, you know, always good to stay obsessed during the 2ww.

So, here's what I have:
  • Cramps like AF is about to start. This started yesterday. I've been having cramps ever since the IUI, but they've been different from AF cramps. AF-like cramps are an early pregnancy symptom, but of course, it's also a non-pregnancy symptom. And I've had AF cramps at 10dpo before, so I don't think this one counts. 0 points.
  • BBs are larger than normal, firm and sore. They've been like this since before the IUI and I've had this symptom on previous cycles, so I don't think this one counts either. 0 points.
  • My skin is breaking out more than normal, and in weird places: under my chin, on my backside. I have heard this can be an early pregnancy symptom. I have not had this symptom before. I give myself 1 point for this one.
  • I feel a little run down. But then, when don't I? So that one doesn't count either. 0 points.
Overall score: 1

Sunday, December 13, 2009

8dpIUI, I Love You 2ww

I'm not ready for the 2ww to be over. I still have 4 days (5 if you count beta-day, but I'll probably POAS that morning), but I want more time! Is that weird? I know everyone wants the 2ww to be over with already, but I kind of like it. Ok, I kind of love it. Because when it ends, I'm going to be a lot less pregnant than I am now (which is not very much, I admit). And because sometimes during the 2ww I just have a warm happy feeling of "I could be pregnant. Right. Now..." and then I get all starry eyed and swoony...

Anyway... so, I'd like to take this opportunity to acknowledge my beta buddies. Um, it's not like we've formed an official club or anything... well, at least I haven't asked them yet! But these 3 bloggers have the same beta day as me: Friday, December 18th, and I, for one, am pleased as punch that I am going to have some company that day. And I have to think that at least one of us will get a BFP. 1 out of 4 is pretty likely, right? Of course, I'm hoping 2 or 3 or even all 4 of us will get good news! And I do know that if I get a BFN and at least one (or more!) of these ladies gets a BFP it will make my BFN a lot easier.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

7dpIUI, Way Too Much of My Medical History

Today is 7dpIUI#2 and my temperature went up a little. Of course, that really means nothing at this point, but now that I'm in week 2 of the 2ww, I'm going to be over-analyzing every little thing from now until beta-day!

I know it's still early for pregnancy related symptoms, but I have had what I assume are non-pregnancy related symptoms. Ever since the IUI I've been having pain, discomfort and cramping all through my lower abdomen. Sometimes on the left or right, as if it's ovary related, but mostly in the middle. Last night it was worse than usual. I was awake at 4am with this feeling like someone had implanted a brick in my lower abdomen - it felt uncomfortably bloated down there, and painful. When I pressed on my abdomen, below my belly button, it hurt. I've had these symptoms before, mostly 1-2 days post-ovulation. I doubt this is any sort of early pregnancy sign or implantation related pain. I think it's probably a sign that something's not working right down there.

I guess now's as good a time as any to relate some of my medical history leading up to our current situation. About 3 years ago I started feeling "full" a lot. The best way to describe it is a feeling like, even when I hadn't eaten recently, my stomach was "bigger than normal," and when I did eat, after just a few bites, even though I was still hungry, my stomach felt so bloated and distended it was like I'd just had thanksgiving dinner. I stopped being able to eat an entire sandwich in one sitting. I could eat maybe half a sandwich, but I'd have to wait an hour or even two before I could eat the other half because I felt so stuffed. At first I thought it was constipation and began various over the counter remedies, none of which had any affect. So, about 6 months after the symptoms began, I saw my GP. He said it was probably Irritable Bowel Syndrome and gave me a list of foods to avoid, but also referred me to a gastroenterologist. I felt the IBS diagnosis was unlikely because A) my symptoms did not come and go based on the foods I ate (even drinking a glass of water caused my symptoms), and B) the foods on his "avoid" list I never touched: they were things like fried and processed foods, and I eat mostly fresh vegetables, fruits and whole grains (I am actually kind of obsessed with eating healthy).

The gastroenterologist did a series of tests. Let's see if I can remember them all: lower bowel series (where you swallow a barium milkshake and then they x-ray your intestines), upper endoscopy with biopsy (tube w/ camera down your throat while sedated), colonoscopy (tube w/ camera up your backside while sedated), capsule test (where you swallow a tiny camera). Those were the invasive ones: also bloodwork, stool analysis, etc.

He found nothing wrong with me.

At my annual gynecological exam, I mentioned my symptoms to my OB/GYN and she almost immediately said that one thing it could be was endometriosis. Sorry to be graphic, but she did a rectal exam that caused me extreme discomfort, and she said that this discomfort also pointed towards endo. She told me that the only way to confirm endo was through laprascopy, and that she was willing to do that whenever I was ready for it. I wanted to think about it and see how my symptoms progressed or didn't progress before making a decision, but then, about 3 months later, I got a letter from her office telling me that she would be no longer accepting my insurance in about a month.

After that, I lived with my symptoms for about a year, until we decided to start ttc back in November of 2008. Something told me that, based on my symptoms; the results of the tests the gastroenterologist had run; and the diagnosis by my OB/GYN, that we would have problems getting pregnant. But the way I figured it was, if I got pregnant easily, then I wouldn't have to worry anymore about my symptoms being reproductive in origin, and if I didn't get pregnant easily, then I'd know my symptoms were probably reproductive in origin, I'd have some tests done, and I'd know what the problem was. I even remember thinking back at the end of 2008 that either I'd get pregnant in 2009, or I'd find out what was causing my symptoms in 2009, and that one way or the other things would be resolved in 2009. Well, so much for that idea, because I'm neither pregnant nor do I know what's wrong with me.

I will say, however, that I'm more aware of how my symptoms relate to my cycles now than I was a year ago. There seems to be a high correlation between my worst symptoms and the week after ovulation, although this doesn't hold true 100% of the time.

So, I'm not surprised at all that, since I had so many follicles this cycle, I have so much pain and discomfort now. I really think endo is my problem, which almost makes me wish we'd gone with the IVF this cycle. I don't think IUIs are going to work for me.

One thing I do take comfort in is that I've read that the severity of endo symptoms often do not correspond with the severity of the disease, i.e. women with advanced endo might have no symptoms, and women with mild endo might have extreme pain and discomfort. And, also, there are a few typical endo symptoms that I don't have: AF is generally light to moderate (actually getting lighter for me, not heavier), and AF has also lately been less painful recently, not more. Whatever that means.

But, at least I feel like we have a plan now, and we're making progress. Even if we get a BFN this cycle, it will be in pursuit of my double goal: getting a diagnosis and, even better, getting a baby.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

5dpIUI, Babies, Julia, and Me

I love/hate babies.

I love them in my imagination and I love them in my dreams. I love my friend's baby (and thank goodness I only have one friend with a baby, because I think for now that's enough).

But I hate public babies. What do I mean? Those babies whose parents have decided they are a gift that they have given to the world, and who try to get you to acknowledge their baby's adorableness by theatrically fussing and cooing over them in public. I don't play their game. I'm like the cranky old-maid that walks by with her head held high and says, "Pshaw!"

Oooohhhhh.... I'm a bitter bitter woman.

But, on a related note, I watched Julie and Julia last night, and really appreciated the shout-out to the infertiles. For anyone who hasn't seen it, there's a scene where Julia Child gets a letter from her newly married sister with the announcement that she's pregnant. Julia, her voice catching, says to her husband, "Isn't that just wonderful news?" She then begins to cry and buries her head in his shoulder. "Yes, it is," he says as he strokes her hair. "I'm so happy," she says through tears. "I know," he says, patting her gently, "I know you are."

The most wonderful thing about the movie, of course, is how wonderfully happy and full of life Julia Child is. It's an inspiration, really. She so longed for children, but lived an amazing and accomplished life without them.

And so, she inspires me to throw off my bitterness, and to instead look at all the wonderful things in my life and say, through my tears, "I'm so happy!" Because, as Julia knew, what else can you do but live the life you have to its fullest?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


The boredom and restlessness of the 2ww have begun. The solution: IFROCGD (Infertility Related Obsessive Compulsive Googling Disorder). Today's search: E2 levels as they relate to follicle size.

(Yes, I'm still obsessed with the size of my follicles.)

I triggered 36 hours after my follicles were at the following sizes (this is CD9) (does not include follicles under 10mm):
  1. 10.83
  2. 11.35
  3. 11.67
  4. 12.53
  5. 14.01
  6. 14.14
  7. 14.48
  8. 14.66
  9. 15.16
  10. 15.29
  11. 15.58
  12. 15.78
  13. 15.93
(Phew, that's a lot!)

My E2 level on that day (CD9) was 599 pg/ml.

What I wanted to know: Is that E2 level too low? Because it seems kind of low, for that many follicles.

What I learned: Apparently each mature follicle should contribute 150-200 pg/ml towards the overall level, but all follicles contribute, not just the mature ones, so you can't just divide your total by 150 or 200 to know how many mature follicles you have. So, I'm not sure if it was low or not. But I did read that E2 levels over 1000 are related to a higher incidence of HOM ("High Order Multiples": learned that today, too).

I also learned that follicles grow from 1 to 2mm per 24 hours, and that follicles are considered mature at varying sizes, but 18mm-20mm seems to be about standard. My two largest follicles (15.78 and 15.93) might have just made 18 by the time I triggered 36 hours later. Of course I injected two more shots of gonal-f during that 36 hours, so hopefully they were on the high side of the estimate.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUI/IVF success statistics and what they really mean (to me). Haven't googled it yet. But then, I have 11 more days of the 2ww to go, so I've got plenty of time!

(Somebody stop me.)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

1 dpIUI, Hello 2ww!

Dear 2ww,

I've missed you.

Yes, I know, I know: we haven't gotten along very well in the past. But I've been really looking forward to seeing you again. The thing is, when I'm not with you, there's just so much to do, and so many decisions to be made, and all I can think about is getting off that crazy roller coaster and us spending some quality time together!

Having said that, I have to be honest: you're already kind of getting on my nerves. I'm sorry to have to tell you that when we've only been together again since yesterday, but we both know how you've treated me in the past, and I can't help but think our time together for the next two weeks is not going to be much fun. I know it's rude to bring up past transgressions, but your behavior last cycle was so not cool. Remember? I had that textbook temperature dip at 7dpo? And you totally got my hopes up? And then you crushed them 3 days later when my temperature took a nosedive? Yeah, that wasn't funny. It was actually kind of cruel.

Look, okay, maybe the temperature nosedive was your way of breaking the news to me gently. I'm going to try to look at it that way. But that "implantation" dip? How about let's agree that you don't do that again. Unless we're really pregnant. Okay?

But I did miss you.

Your frenemy, Jane

Friday, December 4, 2009

CD11. What. Ever.

I've already gone from being worried about getting too pregnant to now worrying about not getting pregnant enough.

I was so obsessed with those 9 rapidly progressing follicles that it took we a while to realize that I'm being triggered kind of early this cycle. Now, I love to second guess my RE as much as the next infertile lady, so of course I'm thinking about how last IUI cycle the RE told me to trigger 60 hours after I had my u/s that showed a 21mm and an 18mm follicle (granted, I also got a positive OPK the day after that u/s, about 24 hours before I was supposed to do the trigger, so maybe they waited too long...). This time, I was told to trigger 24 hours after my u/s showed only 2 follicles over 16mm. Of course the big difference is that last time I was doing a femara cycle, and this time it's injectables, and I have continued the injectables all the way through last night, so it seems likely that that could speed things up at the end. But, I'm still worried that I triggered too soon and all those follicles are going to end up going to waste.

But you know what? What. Ever. I have to say that I'm sick of this roller coaster. I've even started having thoughts of what it would be like if we just stopped trying. We were happy together for 7 years without much thought of a family, and I feel pretty confident we could go back to that. It's going to be such a relief when we're done with IF, whether through a pregnancy or just giving up.

Also, I had an IF dream last night. I don't have that many, thank goodness, but I thought this one was interesting (although aren't dreams always more interesting to the dreamer than anyone else?).

In my dream, the fertility clinic I had been going to (not the one I go to in real life) had moved, and no one would tell me where they had moved to because at their new location they were going to only be treating women whose infertility was explained, not women with unexplained infertility (like me). The implication was that they knew they could help women with explained infertility, so that was the only women they really saw a point in treating. They told me I had to go to another fertility clinic for women with unexplained infertility, but when I went to try and find it, I couldn't. I kept getting out of the elevator at different floors in the building it was supposed to be in, but it just didn't seem to exist. It made me feel rejected and hopeless. And, yes, if you are reading into this an underlying jealousy of those women who know why they aren't getting pregnant, you're right. Part of me wishes I had a problem that could at least be treated. I know, I know, careful what you wish for...

So, I did the ovidrel and last 150 of the gonal-f last night. I'm glad to be done with the injections. I got a half positive on an OPK this morning (did an OPK yesterday too and it was very negative). IUI is tomorrow at 9am.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

CD10, Crazy Infertile Lady Allowed to Go Insane

Here's what happened yesterday.

First, the ultrasound. My lining is on the thin side: 6.5mm, but apparently it is "beautiful" and "homogeneous." On to the follicles: I have 9 follicles measuring over 14mm (two of those are over 16mm), I have 15 follicles total that are over 10mm. As I was still considering IVF at that point, I asked the doctor if I had started out as an IVF cycle, what number of follicles would they have liked to see. She told me that the standard is "5 to 13," so I was well within that. (BTW, the Dr. performing the ultrasound was the same one that I had spoken to at my last visit, the one who had told me that if we went forward with the IUI we would have a higher than normal risk of multiples, and had offered IVF to me as an alternative.)

After the ultrasound and bloodwork, DH and I met her in her office to discuss our plan. DH shocked me by completely taking control of the situation and asking her about a bazillion questions about IVF versus IUI to the point that she said, "You know, I'm not sure I have all the answers you're looking for, maybe it would be better for you to speak with one of the doctors. Hold on." (note: she is an NP, not one of the main 2 REs at the clinic).

We were sent back to the waiting room to wait for RE#1 (my assigned doctor).

It was nice to see him, finally, as he is the doctor that I started with, and the one who knows the most about my progress so far. But as soon as we sat down it was clear he was not on board with IVF. Although he didn't exclude the option, and he answered all of DH's questions, it was clear that he was leaning toward IUI for us. It was also quickly clear that DH was in doctor love.

Basically, the RE's opinion was this: we are not at the point in our infertility treatments where it makes sense to move forward to IVF. He felt that it would be too aggressive. And the only reason not to go forward with IUI would be the increased risk of multiples.

So, really, what it comes down to is our tolerance for the multiples risk. As I said in my earlier post, DH and I would very much prefer a singleton to twins. And anything above that is out of the question. What makes this so hard to wrap my head around is that even with 9-15 follicles, our chances of failure this cycle are still far greater than our chances of success. There is still only a 20% chance of pregnancy. The main difference between this cycle and a "normal" one is that our multiples risk has gone from 10% to 20%, with most of that risk being in the twin category. But another way to look at it is, if our chance at getting pregnant is 20%, and our chance of having twins or more if we get pregnant is 20%, than our overall chance for twins or more this cycle is 4%. So it seems pretty unlikely.

Of course, then I think about the fact that most likely I will have at least 9 mature follicles this cycle and it seems insane to do an IUI. Just insane. I have not heard of anyone else doing IUI with this kind of response. At one point in our meeting with RE#1 he said, "Would doing an IUI under these circumstances be irresponsible? Well, the answer to that is: I do it all the time." (!!!!!)

So, it ends up like this: I am relying on my RE and DH to be my voices of reason. Of course I want to do IUI: the more follicles the better! But I'm a crazy infertile lady hopped up on fertility drugs! I trust them to hold me back if I want to do something nuts, and yet here I am the one leaning toward the more conservative route.

So, I'm putting my trust in them that this is not crazy.

Is this crazy?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

CD9, Ugh

Ugh. We're going with IUI. Do I have mixed feelings about this? Yes. Yes I do. But I would have had mixed feelings no matter which decision we made.

I may write a longer post about how we arrived at this decision later. For now, I just don't have the energy.

IUI scheduled for Saturday at 9am.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

CD8, What to Do?

Currently, I'm leaning toward converting to IVF. Or cancelling. But not IUI. I don't like the multiples risk. DH doesn't seem to think reduction would be a big deal if we found ourselves facing that, but I kind of think it would be a big deal. It's one of those things that you can think about theoretically and be okay with, but I suspect that if we were actually looking at multiple implanted embryos on a monitor, I would be a complete wreck about having to decide to reduce.

I didn't get the ganirelix last night. A pharmacy was supposed to call me and never did. But I did do the higher dose (150 instead of 75) of gonal-f. The higher dose may end up taking IUI off the table as an option because of my concerns about multiples, but will leave open the IVF option, and, of course, the cancelling option.

I'm working on finding out what happened with the ganirelix prescription now, and will probably pick it up today. Then do another 150 gonal-f tonight, then back to the RE tomorrow.

I called my RE to get pricing for IVF and here's what I found out:

  • $8000 + $500 for anesthesia
  • $700 if I want to freeze embryos
  • Any future FET cycles $3500/each
Also, I would be paying less for this IVF because I started it as an IUI, since I'm covered for all bloodwork and ultrasounds while I'm still in IUI mode. If I do another IVF in the future that starts as an IVF cycle, the cost would be $11,000.

Although we're leaning toward IVF right now, we'll of course wait to see how everything looks tomorrow before making a decision. I think we're also leaning toward only transferring one embryo if we go the IVF route. But there are a few things I'd like to know before we make a decision:

  • How many mature follicles are there likely going to be? If we started this as an IVF cycle, would there have been more than that? Is it a reasonable number to go forward with IVF? (I'm afraid we're going to end up falling in some sort of gray area: too many follicles for IUI but too few for IVF)
  • If we do IVF and fail, can we go back to IUI, or are we better off going on with IVF?
  • What are the chances of twins if we transfer 2 embryos?
  • What are the chances of twins/multiples if we do IUI?
I feel like this is all happening so quickly. I really don't even know how IVF works. I mean, I do, but if we knew we were doing IVF going into this, I would have read up on it a lot more.

Are there any other questions that I should ask tomorrow? (If anyone wants to give me advice, I would welcome some!)

Monday, November 30, 2009

CD7, Future Oc.to.mom

Unexpected results today. Apparently, I'm a good responder to gonal-f. Too good. I had a lot of follicles. 5 on my right and, like, 8 on my left. I have a 15mm, a 14mm, a 13mm, a few 12mm, and then a few smaller than that. The first thing the doctor said to me was that if we did an IUI this cycle I'd have a high risk of multiples.

"How do you feel about that?" she asked.

I laughed.

I had to. I mean, come on. No one wants to be the next octo.mom. To be completely honest, I don't even want twins. If it came down to a choice of never having children ever or twins, I'd take the twins, in a heartbeat, but I would really really prefer just one. For now. And DH agrees, even more strongly than I do. But, then again, I really really want to get pregnant, and there was a part of me (there still is) that was giddy with excitement over so many follicles. Just giddy. Ugh.

So, my options at this point are:
  • Cancel the cycle
  • Go forward with IUI with higher than average risk of multiples
  • Convert to IVF

Yes, convert to IVF. I didn't even know you could do that. But the doctor told me that with the number of follicles I already have, yes, absolutely, I could totally 100% do IVF. She didn't even blink.

Now, confession, I've had a sneaky suspicion for a while that we would end up at IVF eventually. I don't know why. My infertility is currently in the "unexplained" category, but I have a suspicion that endometriosis is my problem (or one of my problems) and my RE told me (although I have not heard this elsewhere) that IUI generally does not work for women with endo, but that IVF does. So, anyway, I'm totally okay with IVF, I have already become comfortable with the idea that that's where we might find ourselves eventually, and, honestly, I like the success rates of IVF when compared with IUI. Sure, they're not 100%, but I'll take 40-50% over 15% any day.

But, I'm covered for IUI, and not for IVF. I only have a ballpark of what IVF would cost me, and it's not cheap: $6500 - $8000, but I'm okay with the expense. (A couple years ago I had to have a bridge replaced by two crowns, which required a tooth extraction, two posts and two caps, with the total bill eventually coming to over $11,000, and I figure if I can spend that much on 2 stupid teeth, I can spend it to get a baby.) And we do have the money.

But, I don't like being put in the position of having to decide mid-cycle. And it just seems like really soon to be already going the IVF route. I have to go back on Wednesday to check my progress, but until then I have a few options. If I want to do IVF, they've suggested that I get ganirelix today in order to make sure I don't ovulate too soon, and continue doing 150iu of gonal-f today and tomorrow. If I don't want to do IVF, I've been advised to cut down the gonal-f to 75iu today and tomorrow, no ganirelix.

Oh, and I called my insurance company to find out if I'm covered for reduction in case of a multiple pregnancy (the doctor advised me to find this out), and I'm not, but they also told me that I'm not covered for IUI, which I am. At least I think I am. My RE says that I am, and I haven't gotten a bill from the last one, but now I'm afraid that I'm actually not covered. I didn't push the issue with my insurance company because now I'm thinking that maybe, technically, I'm not covered, but somehow I've slipped through, but if I make an issue of it then they'll realize that they've been covering me for something that I'm actually not covered for... geez!!

The easiest thing to do would be to just cancel this cycle and hope that an adjustment in the dosage next cycle will prevent this from happening again. But, who wants to ever cancel a cycle?

So, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Friday, November 27, 2009

CD4, A Little... Crazy

IUI#2 is on!

No one had anything negative to say about the state of my ovaries at the RE on Wednesday, so I was given the green light to start the gonal-f. I started my injections yesterday evening, and I've done two 150iu injections so far, and I'll do two more before I go back for monitoring on Monday. Physically, the injections have been fine: not painful or even really that uncomfortable, but, mentally, I am so weirded out by injecting liquid into my stomach. Yuck.

Speaking of mentally: today when I got to work, I, um, had a bit of a... crazy attack. I kind of got really pissed off about what I perceived as a co-worker's extreme incompetence and irresponsibility and almost... almost, told him off about it, when all of a sudden I started feeling really anxious and kind of light headed and that's when I realized that I was way way too mad, and that I should not be practically hyperventilating over what was more of an annoyance than anything, and I realized... gonal-f.

So I decided that I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone or make any big decisions for the rest of the day. And I didn't. And it turned out fine. But now I'm worried about the rest of the weekend. I told DH and he thinks it's... funny. So at least one of us is laughing.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

13dpo, or, as it's known this cycle, CD1

AF came early. Taking it well because I've known for days - which is the best argument I have for temping during the 2ww - my temps started dropping a few days ago, and it was clear to me what that meant. And I also find getting AF to be so much less disappointing than a beta results call (the one that takes my RE over 6 hours to make).

So on to IUI#2 (hopefully)!

I'm a little worried about how I'll take it if I get a BFN next cycle, though. My reaction to my BFN my first IUI cycle was kind of a meltdown. Because it was the first time we'd tried IUI, and so I was convinced that it was definitely going to work. Everything was timed perfectly, I had 2 mature follicles on each ovary, and then... BFN. DH was out with friends when I got the beta call. I had been pretending that it was no big deal, but when I got the results I immediately called DH. He was at a bar and it was loud and I asked him if he could please come home, and he said "what? I can't hear you," and so I said "can you come home now, please?" and he said "what?" and I... hung up on him.

Right? You're with me on this one, right?

Anyway, he called me back and of course I didn't answer and I guess he quickly put two and two together because he was home within 15 minutes. I had been holding it together until he asked "what?" for the second time and then I lost it. He came home and I didn't speak to him for 2 hours, I just sulked in bed, not even crying but just not talking as he sat next to me and tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn't let him. Yeah, sometimes I don't act my age. (You know how in my last post I said that DH has never been mad at me? Well, it's not like I haven't ever given him a reason...)

I finally spoke after 2 hours. I think the first thing I said was "it's not fair." Because, well, it's not.

So, this will be my first injectable cycle, and my test date will be right before Christmas and during a visit from my parents. And my parents don't know we're TTC or that we're having, um, challenges. But, I'm going to try to be tough, and I'm going to try to keep to my new philosophy: I'm going to stay hopeful, but I'm going to focus my hope on the long term, and not on one particular cycle.

Monday, November 23, 2009

12dpo, Thankful

Temps dropping, still spotting. Not looking good for this cycle. And AF is due on Thanksgiving day (!). Good thing we don't have any big plans for the holiday. I will be cooking a turkey and we might have a couple friends over, but that's it. I love Thanksgiving, but this year I just haven't felt like putting in the effort. But I know I still have a lot to be thankful for:
  • DH - the kindest and most generous man I have ever met. We have been together over 7 years and he has never yelled or even been mad at me. I'm not kidding. He's a keeper.
  • Our families. We both have wonderful, loving, kind and supportive families.
  • Our dog. He brings such joy to both of our lives, and I couldn't imagine life without him.
  • Our jobs. We have them, and they're not that bad (most of the time!). We have several friends who have been laid off and unemployed for months, or, in one case, over a year.
  • Our friends. They constantly surprise me with their thoughtfulness and generosity. I have a lot to learn from them.
  • Finally, the blogosphere. It has been so gratifying to see that there are other women going through the same emotions I'm going through, walking the same difficult road of IF. Your stories inspire me to be more courageous and optimistic; to have an open heart and an open mind; and to not let this IF thing get me down (at least not that much!).

Friday, November 20, 2009

9dpo, Trying Not To Think About It

Had some spotting yesterday. Also started the est.rogen (viv.elle patch). Related? Or implantation spotting? Or the spotting that I usually get a few days before AF? Trying not to think about it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

7dpo, Officially Getting My Hopes Up

Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best for me to not continue temping through the 2ww. I had a temperature dip today. Not below my cover line, but significant. Implantation dip?

But I'm trying to stay focused on the long term. I got my meds today for next month's injectable cycle. Almost paid over $800 for them because the pharm.acy told me that I'd reached my "maximum benefit" of $3000. Say what? How could that happen? Well, I called my insurance and was told that it was because of a $2900 prescription in August. The one for the injectables that I never filled because my portion would be $1600 and, well, that's a lot of money for someone who has just started going to the RE. I mean, can we do some lower tier stuff first? Anyway, I had to get that pharm.acy to reverse the claim so that my new pharm.acy could resubmit and then, voila, it was all covered - I just had to pay my co-pays. Phew!

So, I'm on track for an injectable cycle, and I'm focusing on the long term, and I will keep temping this month, because then there's the other part of me that's afraid that my temperature will stay down, and what does that mean? Nothing good, I'm sure.

Monday, November 16, 2009

5dpo, End of the "Magic Time"

I think the days between ovulation and around 5dpo are the "magic time."

I don't like the first 2 weeks of a cycle because I'm so afraid that something will go wrong, especially that somehow we'll "miss the window": that DH won't be able to "do his part," or that I'll ovulate early and the IUI/BD will be too late. And of course all the drugs, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc., etc. But then, if everything works, you enter the 2ww - and, at first, you can relax. And it seems like I relax for the first 5 days, not thinking about POAS or analyzing my every little symptom, not thinking about the next cycle, or if there will be a next cycle. And then I get to a day when I think "hmmm... I feel a little crampy," and I realize that implantation could have happened by now, and then that magical time when I don't have to think about this cycle and I don't have to think about next cycle is gone and now I'm analyzing everything, I'm wondering what day of the week 14dpo is, I'm thinking about how my next cycle I'm supposed to do injectables for the first time, but that maybe, just maybe, I won't have to...

So, I'm officially now mentally and emotionally in the 2ww. As a reminder, this is a "natural," not assisted cycle for me, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope. And I'm trying to concentrate on the long term outcome, and not the outcome of this particular cycle.

By the way, on other blogs I've been reading about telling friends/family about TTC/IF versus not telling them and I just want to weigh in that I have not told a soul (except my GYN, my RE, and of course my DH). And here is my reason: if we are not successful, I don't want to be known as the couple who could not get pregnant, I would much rather be known as the couple who chose not to have children. My plan is that if we are not successful, this's what I'll tell people: we just didn't really want children. And hopefully no one will ever ask me my reasons for not wanting children...

The only people I plan on telling are my parents, and if we're not successful, I will have to tell them. My brother and his wife has strongly hinted that they don't want (or even like, apparently) children, and I know that my parents, especially my mother, would love grandchildren, so I can't let her think that we also decided we didn't want kids. I will tell them, but not yet.

And that's also a big reason why I'm blogging - I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this. And I can't talk to DH, and that's just as much my fault as his. From the beginning I've felt uncomfortable talking about any of it to him. Confession: I temp in secret. I know that's really weird. He knows that I temp, in theory, but I do it in secret every day. Oh, and I don't temp in bed. I gave that up long ago - my temperature does not change going from the bed to the bathroom, I've tested this. So, anyway, I temp in the bathroom, when he's in the kitchen making coffee, so he can't hear the thermometer beep. And I don't tell him when I start the OPKs, only when I get a positive. And I don't tell him when I get AF, I just tell him that I have to go back to the doctor (implying it's a new cycle). He does not know that I've ever done a HPT. And he doesn't know I have a blog.

So, what does that mean to our relationship that we don't talk about these things, he doesn't ask about these things, and that I actively hide some of this from him? Well, I think we have a strong relationship, and we love each other, and we get along 95% of the time, and he also wants to have children (although maybe not as much as me).

I don't know what compels me to hide these things from him. I think we are both just very private people. I used to date a guy that was the least private person that maybe I've ever met - he had no problem telling everyone exactly what he thought, whether bad or good. In one way it was very freeing when we were together. He would ask me very personal questions and expect answers, and although I had my limits, for the most part I went along with it. But that's not how I am naturally. So, I'm very private, and I think so is DH. I actually wish he would ask me about this stuff, although admittedly when he has, my responses have been somewhat awkward and terse - probably not very encouraging to him.

Honestly, I often think that he and I could use some counseling. Okay, I said it. But not because we're not getting along, just because I think maybe we'd both be happier in our own lives if we could open up to each other more. Sigh.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

No Temp Rise, CD13, Not How I Roll

Well, no temp rise today, which is somewhat unexpected for me. So I guess either A) I'm ovulating today and I'll see a temp rise tomorrow, or B) who knows.

No BD for us today, though. DH is not an every day kind of guy. I mean, he's almost 50. He needs time to recharge his batteries. Which is fine. Could that be one of our problems? Sure could.

And, on the subject of husbands/male partners, we all know that they "don't get it." A lot of this we blame on the fact that they don't have to go through what we have to go through - the blood draws, the ultrasounds, the drugs, the temping, the shots, and then the countdown to testing. Oh, and doctor's visits, the waiting rooms, the traveling, etc., etc. We think that if only they could go through some of what we go through then they would understand.

I say, it's a good thing they don't have to go through what we have to go through. Because they wouldn't do it. You really think any guy is going to take his temperature every morning? Go to the doctor every 3 days to have BW and a US? Take drugs that make him crazy? Stick himself with needles? No way. He'd say "you know what, I think we're doing fine on our own. We just need to keep trying."

Why? Because for us ladies it's all about the end result, for guys it's all about the means to that end. Unless we have a baby in our arms, then we feel like failures. For guys, as long as they're still BDing, then they're succeeding.

So, I think it's a good thing the ladies are running the show here. Honestly, I think this is inherent biologically. The ladies want the babies. We think about the babies. We imagine them in our arms, we think about dressing them, feeding them, putting them to bed at night. They are tangible to us, and we want them. This is why you never hear about a man stealing someone's baby. It's always a woman who does it. We want that baby. Men just want to keep doing what they know works to get a baby, BDing. They feel the baby as an abstract concept that will appear at some point as long as they keep doing what nature is telling them to do.

So. That's my theory.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A little +OPK, A little BD, CD12, That's How I Roll

Surprise! Last month is was CD16, this month CD12. Like I said before, test early, test often. Most likely I'm ovulating today. That is also how I roll - temp change day after first positive OPK. Things are going smoothly so far this cycle, except for the cancelled IUI. CD12 is a bit early, which I think will somewhat lower my chances (too much time spent on FF comparing pregnancy vs. ovulation charts), but I feel pretty good overall right now. Talk to me in 13 days.

Monday, November 9, 2009

CD 11, Staying Hopeful, Not Getting Hopes Up

3 cycles ago I missed my ovulation. Granted, my cycle was only 17 days long, so little did I know when I started OPKs at day 12 that I only had 5 days left in the cycle (I was not temping that cycle, either). I blame the shortness on coming off of clomid, but the lesson I've learned is test early, test often. And temp every day. It's just that after testing for 12 months and temping (most months) for the last 10, it gets a bit tiresome, doesn't it? Anyway, I started testing on day 10 this cycle, and I'm temping daily, so I won't miss it this time!

I remember when we first started trying I stopped buying the big boxes of tampons and pantyliners, the ones that would last me through several AFs, because, well, I wouldn't need them, right? Ha! I'm back to buying in bulk now. And it's better that way anyway. I put the word "hopeful" in the title of my blog because I'm trying to stay that way, but remaining hopeful and getting one's hopes up are two different things. Staying hopeful is staying positive, not letting IF get you down (too much), and remembering all the good things in life. Getting one's hopes up is betting on one cycle instead of on the long term outcome; it's thinking that TTC is the most important thing instead of one of many important things.

So, I'm trying to stay hopeful.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

TTC 1 Year Anniversary

Oh, BTW, this month is our 1 year anniversary TTC. We had the "talk" last November, and for some reason I knew we needed to get down to business right away, so we skipped the "let's just throw out the BCP and see what happens" phase and went straight to the POAS phase. I guess I knew it wouldn't be easy for us.

Also, DH turns 50 this month. Not a big deal, really, as it seems that he's not the problem. But it makes me wonder, sometimes, if I'm not pushing too hard for something that's supposed to take some time for us. The fact is neither one of us are that young. I'm 34. With my old eggs and his old sperm, maybe it just takes a little longer for 2 good ones to meet up. And maybe that's what the chemical pregnancy was all about - my body doing the right thing and rejecting an embryo that didn't pass muster. And, anyway, I know that 1 year isn't really that long... and I'm trying to keep that in mind more often.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Scratch That

Well, an interesting turn of events. Lots of info from today, and I'm still processing.

Met with Dr. RE#1 after US and BW. The first thing he wanted to talk about was my lining. Now, AF has been seeming lighter and lighter, and this was happening even before I did any assisted cycles, and so this was something I had mentioned to Dr. RE#1 before and he'd told me last cycle that everything looked good, that my lining was fine. But today he says he's concerned about it, so, okay, well, that's good I guess, because my light AFs have been concerning me. I ask how thick it is and he says 7.8, and that 7 is the minimum. He also says that he's concerned about the lining because I had a chemical pregnancy my first assisted cycle with them.

(Now, here's where it gets complicated and I'm going to fill you in on more messy details. It's never simple, is it? My first cycle with my RE, back in July, I took clomid, did a trigger, but did not do IUI. He asked me to come in for my beta 9dpo. Now, I thought this sounded a bit early, but this was my first cycle with the RE and I just thought that's how they did it. Anyway, the 9dpo beta came back positive, but I was told it was low and I'd have to come back Monday (1st beta was Friday). What a great weekend that was. Luckily, DH and I were out of town at a family wedding and I didn't have too much time to worry about it. On Monday, 12dpo, the beta was negative. He told me the numbers were, I think, 7 or 9 on Friday, and 2 on Monday. The next cycle I did with the RE the NP told me to come in for my beta at 14dpo. If that had been the protocol the first time I never even would have had a positive beta. I wonder if it wasn't just a false positive from the trigger. I mean, testing at 9dpo? WTF? But anyway, my RE now has it down that I've had a chemical pregnancy.)

So, because of this "chemical pregnancy," he is of the opinion that maybe I can get pregnant, but maybe my lining is the problem. And maybe he's right. So, what this means is he wants me to do injectables. So, that's fine. I don't mind injecting myself, actually (at least the trigger has been fine), but I know injectables will be a lot more expensive that what I've been doing so far, so there's that. So, fine, whatever, we'll do injectables.

Next, he says that my follicles look like they're already too big. He's says "they're not that big but they look big." Whatever that means (at least one was 10mm). He explains that he doesn't want to do an assisted cycle because whatever drugs I would take would feed those follicles that are already developing at the expense of other less mature follicles. I gather this to mean that I would end up with one or two mature follicles, very quickly, and nothing else, and he wants me to have more mature follicles than that, but not as quickly. I'm not exactly sure, but what it came out to was that we're not doing any drugs this cycle and then on cycle day 21 he wants me to start estrogen patches to "quiet things down" so we can start with "a clean slate" next month. This is called "estrogen priming" and it's usually done before IVF cycles. I'm not familiar with any of this. I will be googling later.

Finally, at one point in our conversation, as I was asking whether I really needed to move on to expensive injectables instead of staying with affordable non-injectables, and saying that I was thinking about the long term cost (i.e. if we have to eventually move on to IVF and we've already spent thousands of dollars on injectables, we may not have the funds to do more than one IVF), he outlined something for me on a piece of paper. He said that for most women the course of action would be to do 3 IUIs with clomid, then 3 IUIs with injectables, then 3 IVFs, until successful, and that would have a 97% chance of success. He also said that if one were to skip the IUIs and just do 3 IVFs, this would also have a 97% success rate (but he does not recommend this, of course). Really? 97%? Those odds sound... really good. That has actually eased my mind somewhat.

So, I was a bit disappointed overall. I'm itching to get back to it since we were forced to take last month off due to travel and scheduling conflicts. It's very upsetting to think we are going to have to wait another month. He did say that we can try on our own this month, and of course we will, and who knows, right?

So, no IUI#2 for me this cycle. But I will still chart and use the OPKs, and I will update through the month.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

BW and US Tomorrow. IUI #2

So tomorrow is cycle day 4 and I'll go back to the RE. AF started Friday afternoon and I think technically I should have gone in Saturday morning, but it was not a convenient day for me to go, so I called in and asked the receptionist if I could wait until Monday, based on when AF started. She said she thought I could, but that she would have Dr. RE#1 (there are 2 REs at the place I go, Dr. RE#1 is "my" RE, Dr. RE#2 is not, but I end up talking to him just as often) call me to let me know for sure. I then carried on with my day. At about noon I figured that, well, if I haven't heard back by now I probably wouldn't be getting a call back, and indeed, I never did get a call back. Ugh. In a previous post I know I mentioned that it takes about 8 hours for them to call with the beta results, and the last time I went in, to discuss "where to go from here," and I told Dr. RE#2 that AF hadn't shown up yet, he said that I should get another beta "just to make sure," so my blood was drawn, my hopes were slightly lifted, and then... nothing. No phone call with the results. Ever. Of course, I knew it was negative and so I never bothered calling them, but still.

Now, I know that not calling me back did not affect how my cycle turned out in the least, so whatever, but what does concern me is when, last cycle, they screwed up my follicle size. On CD9 (a Wednesday) I had a 14mm and a 16mm, one on either ovary. The NP was nice enough to share this with me unasked. I met with Dr. RE#2 and he told me to come back Friday. Friday, CD 11, I came back, asked the NP the size of the follicle on one of my ovaries, which she said was 18 (did not ask about the other one). Then, in my meeting with Dr. RE#1, as he was looking at his computer screen, he said to come back Monday, because the follicles weren't ready yet, they were at 14 and 16. I told him that couldn't be right, because the NP told me I had at least one that was 18. He then looked at the US printout he had, saw that it was different and commented that his computer must not have updated, and said that they were actually 18 and 21. Now, I'm no RE, but 18 and 21 sound about ready to pop, and when I talked to Dr. RE#2, he had sounded like I would for sure be ready to go by Friday, but now Dr. RE#1 was saying that he would call me when he got the results of the BW to tell me when to trigger. Well, this all seemed rather random to me, and when he called me later to tell me to trigger Sunday night (CD 13) for IUI Tuesday morning (CD 15), I immediately thought that sounded like it would be too late (based on my completely internet-educated and non-professional opinion). So, even though he hadn't told me to use OPKs, I started testing the next morning (Saturday), and got a positive Saturday night. I texted him (he's told me this is the best way to contact him off-hours - is that kind of weird?), and he texted me back that I should trigger Sunday morning ("for a boost"), and come in Monday for the IUI. In my experience in my un-medicated charted cycles, I ovulate within 24 hours of a positive OPK, so I was of course worried that Monday was still going to be too late. DH and I BDed Sunday morning, just to be safe (of course, as you know, we still ended up with a BFN). Anyway, the kicker here is that when I had the final meeting with Dr. RE#2 (the one where he told me to get another beta "just to make sure"), as he was reviewing my last cycle I mentioned that we had had a timing issue and that I had a positive OPK before the trigger, and he said something like "well, your follicles on Friday were only 14 and 16, so it wouldn't have made sense to do the trigger any earlier." I explained to him that those numbers were wrong and that the computer hadn't updated and he totally brushed me off like I had no idea what I was talking about!

So... the moral to my long story is this: you must be your own advocate. In IF treatment or any other medical treatment. From now on I will ask the NP every time to tell me exactly how many and how big each of the follicles are so that I know for sure that the REs are making decisions based on the correct information.

Ok. On the IUI #2.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Going on with IUI

We're going to continue with IUI, but it sounds like my RE wants to do at most only 2 more IUI cycles, then move on to IVF, I guess. Oh, and I still haven't gotten AF, so he said it would be best to do another blood test, just in case. Way to get my hopes up, again. And of course it's 6:30 now and they still haven't called me with the results. But I know it's going to be negative, unless being pregnant feels like you're about to get your period any second.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Just What I Thought

BFN. Mentally, logically, I wasn't surprised, and I took it rather well when I got the call. I think emotionally, though, I was surprised, although it took a while to register. I was still clinging to hope, and so about an hour after the call I felt, well, a little devastated. This was our first IUI and somehow, although I knew that IUI really doesn't increase your chances much, I thought that IUI would be some sort of magic bullet that couldn't possibly fail, right? We had tried so hard. BD the day before and the day after the IUI - and I had 2 mature follicles. What could possibly go wrong?

Also, I think what made it even more difficult was that we won't be able to get right back on the horse, so to speak, because we'll be out of town for part of this month and won't be able to have an assisted cycle. We may try naturally if our schedules permit, but that is also not so likely, so probably we're taking a month off.

Anyway, after to coming to terms with the fact that we'd failed once again, but that it didn't mean that we wouldn't keep trying, and it didn't mean we would fail forever, I picked myself up and brushed myself off and today I feel pretty okay.

My RE asked for me to come in tomorrow to "talk about where to go from here." Not quite sure what he means by that, but okay. I assumed we'd just do at least 2 or 3 more IUIs before discussing "other options," so we'll see what he has in mind. For this cycle he had considered putting me on gonal, which I really don't know anything about. It's an injectable, right? How is it better or different than femara or clomid? It certainly costs more, which is why I balked at starting it for this past cycle. I think it was going to be something like $1600, after insurance.

So, I'll update after my appointment tomorrow but most likely I won't have much for the remainder of this month, although I will be temping regularly (unlike for my last 3 cycles), just to see what my body's reaction is to the clomid and femara and triggers and progesterone, etc.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Still waiting...

Went in at 11am for my beta. It's ten after 6 now and I'm still waiting for my phone call. I know it will probably be negative bcause of the HPT BFN yesterday morning... but I did a search on FF for charts with "negative HPT before positive HPT" and "late HPT+ (>15dpo)" and came up with lots of matching charts, lots of women who had gotten negatives at 13 and even 14dpo, then a positive a few days later.

If there is one thing a woman who is TTC can do well, it's hold on to hope.

How long do most women have to wait to find out the results of their beta?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Why I'm Blogging

My hope is that I will not have this blog very long. That doesn't jinx it does it?

My husband and I have bee TTC for 10 months. I'm 34 and he's 49. We've been together for 7 years and now I regret having waited so long... like a lot of people I guess I felt like we had all the time in the world. I had heard that women's fertility starts to decline after 35, so up until 33 I felt no pressure and then when my 34th birthday was approaching I suddenly could see that ticking clock and I sat my husband down and told him we needed to get going on this thing. Maybe that's part of my problem. As soon as I decided it was time, IT WAS TIME. Now, ten months later... well, that's why I've started this blog. Because it's already taken longer than I'd hoped and I'm tired of keeping it all inside. Besides my husband no one else knows we're trying. And I have a hard time even talking to my husband about how hard this has been for me so far.

We still don't know if there is anything actually wrong with us. My husband has been tested and he got an A+. All the tests for me have come back fine. My husband just thinks our timing is off, but I've been using OPK since month 1 (from the beginning I was serious about success) and have been charting since month 3, so I don't know how much better we could do on the timing. But I have read that there is only a 12 to 24 hour window after you ovulate, so in that case maybe our timing has been off.

Anyway, I'm on CD 27. Took an HPT this morning: BFN. Go for beta tomorrow but I'm not hopeful after the BFN (I'm 13 DPO today, so I know technically the HPT still could be negative because it's still early, but we all know most women would get BFP at 13 DPO if they were pregnant).

So, that's it for now. Will post results of beta tomorrow.