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Monday, November 16, 2009

5dpo, End of the "Magic Time"

I think the days between ovulation and around 5dpo are the "magic time."

I don't like the first 2 weeks of a cycle because I'm so afraid that something will go wrong, especially that somehow we'll "miss the window": that DH won't be able to "do his part," or that I'll ovulate early and the IUI/BD will be too late. And of course all the drugs, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc., etc. But then, if everything works, you enter the 2ww - and, at first, you can relax. And it seems like I relax for the first 5 days, not thinking about POAS or analyzing my every little symptom, not thinking about the next cycle, or if there will be a next cycle. And then I get to a day when I think "hmmm... I feel a little crampy," and I realize that implantation could have happened by now, and then that magical time when I don't have to think about this cycle and I don't have to think about next cycle is gone and now I'm analyzing everything, I'm wondering what day of the week 14dpo is, I'm thinking about how my next cycle I'm supposed to do injectables for the first time, but that maybe, just maybe, I won't have to...

So, I'm officially now mentally and emotionally in the 2ww. As a reminder, this is a "natural," not assisted cycle for me, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope. And I'm trying to concentrate on the long term outcome, and not the outcome of this particular cycle.

By the way, on other blogs I've been reading about telling friends/family about TTC/IF versus not telling them and I just want to weigh in that I have not told a soul (except my GYN, my RE, and of course my DH). And here is my reason: if we are not successful, I don't want to be known as the couple who could not get pregnant, I would much rather be known as the couple who chose not to have children. My plan is that if we are not successful, this's what I'll tell people: we just didn't really want children. And hopefully no one will ever ask me my reasons for not wanting children...

The only people I plan on telling are my parents, and if we're not successful, I will have to tell them. My brother and his wife has strongly hinted that they don't want (or even like, apparently) children, and I know that my parents, especially my mother, would love grandchildren, so I can't let her think that we also decided we didn't want kids. I will tell them, but not yet.

And that's also a big reason why I'm blogging - I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this. And I can't talk to DH, and that's just as much my fault as his. From the beginning I've felt uncomfortable talking about any of it to him. Confession: I temp in secret. I know that's really weird. He knows that I temp, in theory, but I do it in secret every day. Oh, and I don't temp in bed. I gave that up long ago - my temperature does not change going from the bed to the bathroom, I've tested this. So, anyway, I temp in the bathroom, when he's in the kitchen making coffee, so he can't hear the thermometer beep. And I don't tell him when I start the OPKs, only when I get a positive. And I don't tell him when I get AF, I just tell him that I have to go back to the doctor (implying it's a new cycle). He does not know that I've ever done a HPT. And he doesn't know I have a blog.

So, what does that mean to our relationship that we don't talk about these things, he doesn't ask about these things, and that I actively hide some of this from him? Well, I think we have a strong relationship, and we love each other, and we get along 95% of the time, and he also wants to have children (although maybe not as much as me).

I don't know what compels me to hide these things from him. I think we are both just very private people. I used to date a guy that was the least private person that maybe I've ever met - he had no problem telling everyone exactly what he thought, whether bad or good. In one way it was very freeing when we were together. He would ask me very personal questions and expect answers, and although I had my limits, for the most part I went along with it. But that's not how I am naturally. So, I'm very private, and I think so is DH. I actually wish he would ask me about this stuff, although admittedly when he has, my responses have been somewhat awkward and terse - probably not very encouraging to him.

Honestly, I often think that he and I could use some counseling. Okay, I said it. But not because we're not getting along, just because I think maybe we'd both be happier in our own lives if we could open up to each other more. Sigh.

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