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Monday, June 20, 2011

I Was Worried, And So I Owned It

After reading Sienna's comment on my last post I recalled that when she was pregnant she could of cared less if they wrote "CRAZY!!!!" all over her file in red ink. If she was worried, then somebody had better do something to reassure her or she would unleash her wrath upon them! And so I decided that yes, I was worried, and that I was going to own it, not deny it. So I called as soon as they opened this morning and told the receptionist that I wanted to come in today to be reassured that everything was okay. The receptionist did not tell me that I could take my crazy elsewhere. He told me, "I have a 9:30 and a 10:00." I said I could be there by 10 and the husband and I hopped on the subway. In the waiting room the little guy started kicking up a storm and so I already started to feel better. They did an ultrasound and the doctor said everything looked great and we could see him moving around. We listened to the heartbeat and it was nice and fast: in the 140s and 150s, and didn't drop down below that at all.

I was reassured. And happy. I just want to this little baby so much.

She also told me that I'd passed my 1 hour glucose challenge test, and that my iron was lower now than before I started taking prescription iron supplements (although I've skipped a few days here and there, so I will be taking them religiously from now on).

And congrats to S at Misconceptions About Conception on her long awaited BFP!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Worry: The Saga Continues

I had my 24 week OB appointment on Friday. I was feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing: we weren't going to be having an ultrasound and it was with a doctor that I had met before and liked (there are several doctors in the practice I go to), so I wasn't worried about either of those things. I knew we were going to get to listen to the heartbeat again, but I didn't have any worries there because I've been feeling him moving so I was confident we would hear it just fine.

But it's always something you don't anticipate.

She put the wand to my stomach and there was the heartbeat, nice and fast. And then it slowed down. Way down. I thought maybe she was picking up my heartbeat instead. She moved the wand slightly and after a few more seconds the heartbeat sped up again. And then it slowed down again, and stayed slow for probably 10 seconds or so. Then it sped back up. I started to get a little freaked out. I asked if this was something we needed to worry about. She said that no, as long as it sped back up, it was nothing to worry about. She said it was probably the baby just grasping and squeezing his umbilical cord. Not a big deal.

At the time I accepted that this was nothing to worry about. An hour later, upon reflection, I started freaking out. I went home and laid down on the couch and put on some music. Usually he would be very active in that situation, but he was quiet. For about an hour and a half he was quiet, and then I felt some soft movements. After I ate that night he moved around a little bit, but he was quiet through the night and into the next morning, even after breakfast and apple juice. That's when I called the after hours line (this was Saturday morning). I was instructed to drink a tall glass of cold water and lay on my left side for an hour and see what happened. This did in fact perk him up, and when the nurse called back I was more calm. But for the rest of this weekend he's just seemed quieter than usual. Also, at our 20 week anatomy scan, the umbilical cord was around his neck. The u/s technician seemed unconcerned at the time, and I tried not to worry about it because I continued to feel him moving, but now I can't help but wonder if the heart rate decelerations have something to do with that.

I can't figure out if I'm worrying unnecessarily or not. My worry compass is officially all screwed up. I would like to call tomorrow morning and ask if I can come in and hear the heart rate again, and if it's still slowing down, get an ultrasound, but is that crazy?

I googled the heck out of this, trying to find someone who had the same experience and was (hopefully) reassured by her doctor, but came up empty. Has this happened to anyone?

Should I be worried?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Don't Worry, Buy Baby Stuff

After our first IVF failed, I began to feel more and more like I would never get pregnant, never have a baby. Yet all I ever thought about was getting pregnant and having a baby. And I wanted to be able to look at baby clothes and cribs, and I wanted to talk about baby names. And as I thought more and more about it, I realized that plenty of couples talk about baby names before they get pregnant. Some even talk about baby names before they're even trying to get pregnant. There was no reason that my husband and I couldn't talk about baby names. And, additionally, I realized that if we came out of our TTC struggle without a baby, and if we gave up trying, and if we decided to live childfree, then at that point we probably wouldn't be able to talk about baby names anymore. Because that would just be weird.

And so I realized that talking about it then might be our only chance, because while we were still trying, we still could. And I wanted that experience. Even if I never had a baby of my own, I wanted to be able to experience some of the pleasures of hoping for one. So I told my husband that I wanted to talk about baby names, and I told him my reasons. And he thought it was a really bad idea. But I ended up convincing him, and it was a little weird and awkward, but it was kind of fun (and I learned that we have very different tastes in names!).

Now, I am pregnant. And we've been able to talk about baby names now for real. But I still worry sometimes that we are not going to have a take home baby at the end of this. And when, after my 16 week anatomy scan, I decided that I would combat my worry by forcing myself to buy maternity clothes and baby stuff and to at least try to act like a normal pregnant woman, I also realized that buying/looking at baby stuff now is similar to talking about names before we were pregnant. And so I am savoring it and loving it now. I've even started a registry.

(Note to readers: I am considering starting to post again more regularly. After my last update post, in which I was able to express some of the worry I've been feeling, I felt a distinct release of tension. I hadn't been posting because I was afraid that posting about pregnancy would increase my anxiety. But I may have been mistaken. So I think I may come back on a trial basis and see how it goes. Of course I am going to try to start doing some commenting again, too!)