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Monday, June 6, 2011

Don't Worry, Buy Baby Stuff

After our first IVF failed, I began to feel more and more like I would never get pregnant, never have a baby. Yet all I ever thought about was getting pregnant and having a baby. And I wanted to be able to look at baby clothes and cribs, and I wanted to talk about baby names. And as I thought more and more about it, I realized that plenty of couples talk about baby names before they get pregnant. Some even talk about baby names before they're even trying to get pregnant. There was no reason that my husband and I couldn't talk about baby names. And, additionally, I realized that if we came out of our TTC struggle without a baby, and if we gave up trying, and if we decided to live childfree, then at that point we probably wouldn't be able to talk about baby names anymore. Because that would just be weird.

And so I realized that talking about it then might be our only chance, because while we were still trying, we still could. And I wanted that experience. Even if I never had a baby of my own, I wanted to be able to experience some of the pleasures of hoping for one. So I told my husband that I wanted to talk about baby names, and I told him my reasons. And he thought it was a really bad idea. But I ended up convincing him, and it was a little weird and awkward, but it was kind of fun (and I learned that we have very different tastes in names!).

Now, I am pregnant. And we've been able to talk about baby names now for real. But I still worry sometimes that we are not going to have a take home baby at the end of this. And when, after my 16 week anatomy scan, I decided that I would combat my worry by forcing myself to buy maternity clothes and baby stuff and to at least try to act like a normal pregnant woman, I also realized that buying/looking at baby stuff now is similar to talking about names before we were pregnant. And so I am savoring it and loving it now. I've even started a registry.

(Note to readers: I am considering starting to post again more regularly. After my last update post, in which I was able to express some of the worry I've been feeling, I felt a distinct release of tension. I hadn't been posting because I was afraid that posting about pregnancy would increase my anxiety. But I may have been mistaken. So I think I may come back on a trial basis and see how it goes. Of course I am going to try to start doing some commenting again, too!)


  1. Good for you for savoring it and loving it now. If there was anything at all I could go back and redo is enjoying my early pregnancy. I was TOO freaked out to do anything at all. I still have bought very little and we JUST started to talk baby names, I'm 30 weeks along. I feel guilty now for how the babe must have felt when I was panicking so much. Now I am doing MUCH better, but it does take time. Be easy on yourself!

  2. I'm glad you're feeling more at ease. Please keep posting - we love to hear your updates!

  3. I'm so glad that you're starting to get baby stuff and so glad to see you here again!! You were the first person who started following me who I didn't already know from somewhere else when I started my blog and you'll always hold a special place in my heart!!! :)

  4. You don't sound ridiculous to me at all. I am one day ahead of you (wow!!!) and I feel everything you feel. Good days followed by super scared and anxious days. I did the same thing after my 16-week appt: forced myself to go out and buy some cute baby and maternity clothes. I forced myself to register after the 20-week appointment. I enjoyed it all SO much. And then I panicked.

    It's hard to let go of those hard-won lessons about protecting your heart from hope. It's okay--our pregnancies are anxious pregnancies. That's just how it goes. But the babies are very, *very* much loved.

  5. I think that most of us who went through IF feel the same way once we're pregnant. I know I do. Some days, I feel completely at ease with doing baby-related planning and, other days, I feel so much nervousness about it, that I can't even look in her future bedroom. I don't think this is gonna go away, but it will hopefully lessen as time goes by. I'm really glad you're able to relish some of these things and I hope it continues with gusto!

  6. That was about the same time when I decided, that it was time to crack the ice. It was deliberating in a way.
    Enjoy every moment! you deserve to be happy!:)

    I am so glad you are back on here. It's gonna be nice to follow your progress.
    And yes, I think your guess is right;)

  7. Good to hear from you!

    I am so glad to hear that you are savoring and enjoying your pregnancy. It seems that so many of us who work so hard to get there aren't able to do this, and it's a sad thing when that happens.

    Infertility takes so much from us; it shouldn't take the joy of pregnancy away as well.