Don't Worry, Buy Baby Stuff

After our first IVF failed, I began to feel more and more like I would never get pregnant, never have a baby. Yet all I ever thought about was getting pregnant and having a baby. And I wanted to be able to look at baby clothes and cribs, and I wanted to talk about baby names. And as I thought more and more about it, I realized that plenty of couples talk about baby names before they get pregnant. Some even talk about baby names before they're even trying to get pregnant. There was no reason that my husband and I couldn't talk about baby names. And, additionally, I realized that if we came out of our TTC struggle without a baby, and if we gave up trying, and if we decided to live childfree, then at that point we probably wouldn't be able to talk about baby names anymore. Because that would just be weird.

And so I realized that talking about it then might be our only chance, because while we were still trying, we still could. And I wanted that experience. Even if I never had a baby of my own, I wanted to be able to experience some of the pleasures of hoping for one. So I told my husband that I wanted to talk about baby names, and I told him my reasons. And he thought it was a really bad idea. But I ended up convincing him, and it was a little weird and awkward, but it was kind of fun (and I learned that we have very different tastes in names!).

Now, I am pregnant. And we've been able to talk about baby names now for real. But I still worry sometimes that we are not going to have a take home baby at the end of this. And when, after my 16 week anatomy scan, I decided that I would combat my worry by forcing myself to buy maternity clothes and baby stuff and to at least try to act like a normal pregnant woman, I also realized that buying/looking at baby stuff now is similar to talking about names before we were pregnant. And so I am savoring it and loving it now. I've even started a registry.

(Note to readers: I am considering starting to post again more regularly. After my last update post, in which I was able to express some of the worry I've been feeling, I felt a distinct release of tension. I hadn't been posting because I was afraid that posting about pregnancy would increase my anxiety. But I may have been mistaken. So I think I may come back on a trial basis and see how it goes. Of course I am going to try to start doing some commenting again, too!)