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Friday, February 26, 2010

Husbands. Can't Get Pregnant With Them. Can't Get Pregnant Without Them.

An Open Letter to All Husbands Undergoing IF Treatments with Their Wives

Dear Husbands-

First of all, we love you. We know you don't want to be going through this any more than we do. We appreciate your support, your calm, your patience and kindness, and your ability to have hope even when we have none.

Having said that, we need you to take this as seriously as we do. Your sympathy for us when we are subjecting ourselves to daily injections and almost daily wandings and blood draws is appreciated, but what we really need you to do is take an active role in this journey. And what we mean by that is we need you to take your contribution seriously. Because although maybe sometimes it seems like we're doing this all without you, like maybe we can do it all without you, we can't. We need you. And your "contribution."

So when that time of the cycle comes around (you know the time we're talking about), you need to do what it takes to get the job done. We know that the pressure affects you. That's why we try to be so nonchalant about it when it comes your time to contribute. But we're not nonchalant on the inside. Oh, no. Inside, we're freaking out. Because you're watching sports on TV. Or you're going out for a drink with your buddies. Or you're just generally distracted and not on task like you need to be.

And when there's an IUI involved, precise timing is kind of important. When the doctor tells us to be there at a certain time, we would appreciate it if you took that seriously. But we will not bug you about it. Because we're afraid to stress you out, because we know that could affect your performance. And when you sit around wasting time instead of doing the things that need to be done before we leave for the IUI (like walking the dog, and moving the car for street cleaning), we will offer to do those things for you. We will quietly seethe inside and wish we had husbands that gave a damn about procreating, but we will smile and say, "I think we'd better get going pretty soon, don't you, honey?" And when we get to the appointment 30 minutes late and you say, "I'm sure it will be fine," we'll nod and agree, while inside we are screaming.

And when the IUI is over, and both of us have successfully performed our respective duties, you in a couple of minutes in that backroom we've never seen, and us over the last 2 weeks, injecting ourselves, getting ourselves to early morning appointments, tracking everything with precision, dealing with the insurance company and the mail order pharmacy, and researching all our treatment options on the internet, don't be surprised when we refuse to walk the dog, or to move the car. And don't be surprised when we say that these things are now your job and the least you can do. Because this is a partnership, and even if you don't act like it is sometimes, we will gently cajole you into your role as dutiful and attentive husband. Because we love you. And we're in this together.


IF Wives Everywhere (but especially this wife, right here, at TTC Hopeful)


  1. Oh I love this!! I can sooooo relate to all of it, but especially being on time. I'm not sure my husband knows what being on time means.

  2. This is great; I totally agree too. I really don't think they have any idea of how much we do besides showing up there and welcoming the swimmers into their new home....

  3. This is so perfect! For some reason, men have such a totally different approach to IF. I used to think I was alone, but thanks to all my blog friends I'm realizing it's just a guy thing and don't feel so bad about all the crap I freak out about. Thank you!!!!

  4. I love this! I have my hubby on cat litter duty and my poor dogs are really not getting walked much. We have a dog walker, but used to take them on a walk in the morning and at night, but they pull a lot and I don't want them to "shake anything loose." :)

  5. Write on, sista! (not a mis-spelling) :)

  6. I, too, am coming to terms with the fact that my husband is just not going to hurt as much as I'm hurting or care as much as I care. But I have discovered that keeping my level of upset-ness on the inside is counterproductive--the more I share how freaked out I am, the better we do as a couple. Not saying that's true of everyone or offering advice, just an observation.

  7. I am loving the title to this post!!!
    I think I may need to copy and paste this to my husband's email.

    He needs to read the part about not going out drinking with his buddies...especially right before egg retrieval.

  8. You are an awesome writer, this was hilarious and so true!!! I can totally commiserate with your frustrations...I've sorta accepted the fact that it's just so different for guys, and as hard as I try to explain my point of view...it may be a losing battle. Well I hope the iui went great, even if you were a tad late ;).

  9. Great writing! I should have him read it;)
    FX for your cycle! I am here with you in the waiting.

  10. I couldn't have said it better!! That is so true! I lost the battle trying to get my husband to just take a daily multi-vitamin, and I would have been happy if he had just taken it a few times a week. And now he is resisting me when I say he can't go in a hot tub!

  11. heeheee I love this!!!
    Its soo funny, merely because its sooo true =)

    Well said, very well said!

  12. Good one! SO HEAR YOU on the part about not wanting to stress them out. :)

  13. Hey - I cam across your Blog from reading Kim's Blog. Love this letter. It surely says it all. But more than that, it just goes to show we are not alone when we walk on eggshells to make this easy for the hubby's. Guess we are all in the same shoes. Why do they find it so hard to cooperate?! Gotta love them.