(Click to See My Fertility Chart)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

CD6, Best Laid Plans...

Here's my problem. I get a little bit goal oriented sometimes.

Now, I'm totally not a Type A person. I'm Type B through and through. I'm easy going, laid back, my house is a mess, my bills get paid late, I'd rather stay at home on a Saturday than run around town. But give me something that I really want to accomplish, and it's like I have multiple personality disorder and I go from Dr. Easy-Going to Ms. Right-Now.

I didn't actually discover this aspect of myself until I entered the "workforce" after college and started doing computer programming. I'm not a real computer programmer, but I know enough to get jobs that required some programming skills along with decent communication skills. When working on a project I would get a little bit of tunnel vision - the fact that I could see whatever it was I was trying to program so clearly in its completed state meant that every minute the project was not in that completed state it felt not only unfinished, but somehow "broken," and I couldn't rest until it was "fixed." I would come into work and sit at my desk from 9 in the morning until 9 at night, usually without a lunch or dinner break, just staring at the screen and working.

It's just gotten worse and worse over the years because I've also discovered that I really enjoy working this way. I much prefer a big, detailed and time-consuming project requiring extreme concentration than multi-tasking multiple small projects. I often think I could have been a really good air traffic controller.

So what does this have to do with TTC?

You guessed it. It's my project, and I think I've gotten a little too goal oriented.

When we started TTC, the very first month we used OPKs. Within 3 months I was charting. At 6 months I was at my OB/GYN, and when he didn't give me the answers I wanted, I went straight to the RE. That means I was already at ART by 7 months, whereas I know most women under 35 are instructed to try for at least a year (of course my 35th birthday was coming up fast by then).

So here I am. Project not complete. And staring down IVF.

No one's ever given me the "just relax" line, probably because no one knows that we're even trying, but I tell myself that all the time. I feel this pent up well of energy whose only relief will be a BFP. Until then I feel like I can't relax, not even for a second. I'm hyper-vigilant about every little detail of my cycles and my treatments, and I get so disappointed when it's not all going according to plan.

I kind of figured that I'd be on a break this cycle due to cysts/leftover follicles and was surprised when they gave me the green light for IUI #4. I was actually looking forward to an enforced break cycle so I could spend less of my time analyzing and over-analyzing.

And then I think forward to IVF... and if I'm hyper-vigilant now, I don't even want to think about how I'll be when the stakes are so much higher financially and emotionally. I'm not looking forward to that at all, and I'm wondering if we should take a break after this IUI. I'd love to get in a little vacation... somewhere inexpensive, warm, relaxing. Florida? Arizona? (I'd love Mexico but I think that would be too expensive.)


  1. I have been having a hard time with the emotions the past week, and although maybe alot of people might think that since I've never had them before, maybe we're pregnant, all it does is make me nervous that somehow this IUI didn't work and if I can't handle the emotions during an IUI cycle, how the heck am I going to survive on an IVF one?!

    It is a very out of body experience to know that our next step is IVF. I don't know how all the IVF timing works, but I think if you are wanting a break, I say take a break! Maybe you could check some of the last minute vacation specials? :)

  2. I think a vaca is just what the doctor ordered...take a few days to relax together. I have this crackpot theory that the grey, cold, short days of February make IF even tougher than usual to take...

    And I hear you on being hyper goal-oriented. I feel like most things I want (a job, a good grade, a better marathon finish time), I work my butt off and go GET it. With getting pregnant, none of that work ethic and strategy pay off. It's tough to swallow. You are NOT alone in how micro-manage-y and emotional you feel at every step along the way. It sucks.

    I'm hoping this IUI does the trick!!!

  3. I can totally relate to this! We've been able to achieve everything else in life we've set our minds to, and this is something that is not completely in our control. We try to control every aspect around getting pregnant, but actually getting pregnant is not up to us. This is so tough.
    Good luck on your next IUI cycle!

  4. Yep, IF is soooooo hard because it is out of our control. This is definitely the first time in my life that I have not been able to fix something. Hang in there, hoping this IUI is it for you!
    I think a vacation is a great idea. Personally I am a huge fan of Arizona - the weather is awesome and there's a lot of yoga-y, outdoors-y focused resorts that are great for the mind + body. Let us know what you decide!

  5. I so relate to what you're saying here. I too have been known to program all through the night 'cause it's just that kind of activity. I too was using a monitor in month one and at the RE by 8 months (though my OB/GYN actually recommended 8 months for the over-30 under 35 group), I too was surprised to find that I was doing an IUI this cycle (#4), I too am staring down the barrels of IVF. And am terrified of my control freak tendencies going into something so emotionally difficult. So yeah. Vacation seems like a good plan!

  6. Ahhh, wouldn't it be nice if IF could just go accordingly to the plan. I know for a fact that's why I'm an OCD planner when it comes to IF, it's the only thing I can really control...and even then the plan has a mind of its own (i.e. cysts, breaks, over-stim, etc). It's so frustrating, and very deserving of a vacay!! We're heading to FL ourselves in 2 weeks and absolutely cannot wait, but we were just in Arizona in October and absolutely loved it!!