Here's my problem. I get a little bit goal oriented sometimes.
Now, I'm totally not a Type A person. I'm Type B through and through. I'm easy going, laid back, my house is a mess, my bills get paid late, I'd rather stay at home on a Saturday than run around town. But give me something that I really want to accomplish, and it's like I have multiple personality disorder and I go from Dr. Easy-Going to Ms. Right-Now.
I didn't actually discover this aspect of myself until I entered the "workforce" after college and started doing computer programming. I'm not a real computer programmer, but I know enough to get jobs that required some programming skills along with decent communication skills. When working on a project I would get a little bit of tunnel vision - the fact that I could see whatever it was I was trying to program so clearly in its completed state meant that every minute the project was not in that completed state it felt not only unfinished, but somehow "broken," and I couldn't rest until it was "fixed." I would come into work and sit at my desk from 9 in the morning until 9 at night, usually without a lunch or dinner break, just staring at the screen and working.
It's just gotten worse and worse over the years because I've also discovered that I really enjoy working this way. I much prefer a big, detailed and time-consuming project requiring extreme concentration than multi-tasking multiple small projects. I often think I could have been a really good air traffic controller.
So what does this have to do with TTC?
You guessed it. It's my project, and I think I've gotten a little too goal oriented.
When we started TTC, the very first month we used OPKs. Within 3 months I was charting. At 6 months I was at my OB/GYN, and when he didn't give me the answers I wanted, I went straight to the RE. That means I was already at ART by 7 months, whereas I know most women under 35 are instructed to try for at least a year (of course my 35th birthday was coming up fast by then).
So here I am. Project not complete. And staring down IVF.
No one's ever given me the "just relax" line, probably because no one knows that we're even trying, but I tell myself that all the time. I feel this pent up well of energy whose only relief will be a BFP. Until then I feel like I can't relax, not even for a second. I'm hyper-vigilant about every little detail of my cycles and my treatments, and I get so disappointed when it's not all going according to plan.
I kind of figured that I'd be on a break this cycle due to cysts/leftover follicles and was surprised when they gave me the green light for IUI #4. I was actually looking forward to an enforced break cycle so I could spend less of my time analyzing and over-analyzing.
And then I think forward to IVF... and if I'm hyper-vigilant now, I don't even want to think about how I'll be when the stakes are so much higher financially and emotionally. I'm not looking forward to that at all, and I'm wondering if we should take a break after this IUI. I'd love to get in a little vacation... somewhere inexpensive, warm, relaxing. Florida? Arizona? (I'd love Mexico but I think that would be too expensive.)
It's the little things
1 week ago