I had my first BFP dream last night. And here I thought I was doing a good job of "not thinking about it." So, now I know how it feels to dream the BFP dream. And it lingers, too, doesn't it? Like a bad taste in your mouth for hours.
The dream was pretty simple. I took a test (and of course the test was weird looking, nothing like a real HPT, cuz, you know, it was a dream HPT) and I guess with the dream HPT the whole thing is supposed to turn pink to be positive, and it did, and I was excited, but what I felt, more than anything, was relief. Relief that it was finally over. And that I could finally get off this crazy IF ride. And then, this is the worst part, after the dream I lingered in this half conscious/half unconscious state (it was about 7am, I think, and I was already waking up a bit), and I was no longer dreaming, just groggy half-asleep thinking, and I was planning things in this half-asleep state: who to tell first, what I had to do next, etc. Then, when I finally fully woke up, I thought "wait a minute... that was a f---ing dream?!"
Yep, it was a dream all right.
But, I don't believe that this dream has anything to do with this cycle in particular, or with the fact that most likely I will be POAS tomorrow. I think that my subconscious mind just took advantage of an appropriate time to message me. Because my subconscious can't send texts. I wish it could. So it sends dreams. If the dream had been a text it would have said this:
"UR getting impatient and need 2 move on soon. For your sanity's sake."
Because as we all know, our subconscious is our sanity's safeguard.
My subconscious is advising me to get off this crazy ride asap. And I'm in agreement.
It's pretty clear to me that this IUI is not going to work. That was hard to type, but it's true. And the next one won't work either. I'm putting in the effort because I know it's the "proper" way to go about this. But I truly in my heart believe that we've always been heading to IVF, and that IVF is the only thing that might work for us. And, really, I'm not even convinced of that.
When we get to IVF we'll probably do up to 3 fresh and however many frozen cycles. Then, I think we're done.
We might look into adoption, but since DH is 50 now, I'm guessing that we'll be too old for most programs. I totally haven't looked into this, so maybe I'm wrong.
Most likely I guess we'll just go with the childfree living thing. It's all the rage in my circle of friends, anyway. As opposed to what I read here in the IF blogs, my friends are not popping out babies one after another. They are enjoying their careers and freedom. Many of my friends are still extremely single. We would fit right in.
I guess we'd travel around the world. Maybe we'd buy a vacation home somewhere warm (of course in this scenario we have a ton of childfree money). And we'd try not to think about what we're missing out on. Like helping our children with their homework, tucking them in at night, teaching them how to ride bicycles, making them smiley-face pancakes like my dad used to do, taking them camping, watching them grow up. Giving my parents grandchildren.
But I will think about it.
Tonight my subconscious is going to dream-text me "UR losing it! Get a grip! For your sanity's sake!"
I know, I know. Look, subconscious, I'm in the last few days of the 2ww - this is when one starts to question everything. Get back to me next week when I have another IUI under my belt and I'm ready to move on to the next cycle! Because we only have one more IUI to go before the big guns come out. Take that, infertility! We've got IVF coming your way!