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Saturday, February 6, 2010

10dpIUI, What Dreams May Come

I had my first BFP dream last night. And here I thought I was doing a good job of "not thinking about it." So, now I know how it feels to dream the BFP dream. And it lingers, too, doesn't it? Like a bad taste in your mouth for hours.

The dream was pretty simple. I took a test (and of course the test was weird looking, nothing like a real HPT, cuz, you know, it was a dream HPT) and I guess with the dream HPT the whole thing is supposed to turn pink to be positive, and it did, and I was excited, but what I felt, more than anything, was relief. Relief that it was finally over. And that I could finally get off this crazy IF ride. And then, this is the worst part, after the dream I lingered in this half conscious/half unconscious state (it was about 7am, I think, and I was already waking up a bit), and I was no longer dreaming, just groggy half-asleep thinking, and I was planning things in this half-asleep state: who to tell first, what I had to do next, etc. Then, when I finally fully woke up, I thought "wait a minute... that was a f---ing dream?!"

Yep, it was a dream all right.

But, I don't believe that this dream has anything to do with this cycle in particular, or with the fact that most likely I will be POAS tomorrow. I think that my subconscious mind just took advantage of an appropriate time to message me. Because my subconscious can't send texts. I wish it could. So it sends dreams. If the dream had been a text it would have said this:

"UR getting impatient and need 2 move on soon. For your sanity's sake."

Because as we all know, our subconscious is our sanity's safeguard.

My subconscious is advising me to get off this crazy ride asap. And I'm in agreement.

It's pretty clear to me that this IUI is not going to work. That was hard to type, but it's true. And the next one won't work either. I'm putting in the effort because I know it's the "proper" way to go about this. But I truly in my heart believe that we've always been heading to IVF, and that IVF is the only thing that might work for us. And, really, I'm not even convinced of that.

When we get to IVF we'll probably do up to 3 fresh and however many frozen cycles. Then, I think we're done.

We might look into adoption, but since DH is 50 now, I'm guessing that we'll be too old for most programs. I totally haven't looked into this, so maybe I'm wrong.

Most likely I guess we'll just go with the childfree living thing. It's all the rage in my circle of friends, anyway. As opposed to what I read here in the IF blogs, my friends are not popping out babies one after another. They are enjoying their careers and freedom. Many of my friends are still extremely single. We would fit right in.

I guess we'd travel around the world. Maybe we'd buy a vacation home somewhere warm (of course in this scenario we have a ton of childfree money). And we'd try not to think about what we're missing out on. Like helping our children with their homework, tucking them in at night, teaching them how to ride bicycles, making them smiley-face pancakes like my dad used to do, taking them camping, watching them grow up. Giving my parents grandchildren.

But I will think about it.

Tonight my subconscious is going to dream-text me "UR losing it! Get a grip! For your sanity's sake!"

I know, I know. Look, subconscious, I'm in the last few days of the 2ww - this is when one starts to question everything. Get back to me next week when I have another IUI under my belt and I'm ready to move on to the next cycle! Because we only have one more IUI to go before the big guns come out. Take that, infertility! We've got IVF coming your way!


  1. I know exactly what you mean about the after-taste of a BFP dream. I had a really similar dream this cycle (check out "What's in a Name?" http://theimpatientoptimist.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/this-is-why-i-called-myself-impatient/).
    And don't worry, it's normal to start to 'lose it' by the end of the 2WW.

  2. Don't

    I've had those exact thoughts through this whole ordeal, maybe IVF, maybe adoption (and my hubster is 50 too, don't know if we'd be accepted), maybe child-free, but deep down I KNOW it will happen. It has to. So I give myself a gentle slap in the face and ask myself to see the glass half full :)

    Big hugs to you. It's ok to go a little bonkers in the 2WW!

  3. Ugh, the dreams are BRUTAL. Mine seem so real I have literally woken up crying.

    The wait is almost over. Hang in there..

  4. I had a breastfeeding dream! I wonder what my subconscious
    was trying to say there? I have never had a HPT dream, I think its because I NEVER take them. I mean I did when we FIRST started trying
    but my cycle comes without fail on the exact day it is supposed to!

    I can totally see why you want to move away from IUI's to IVF's, but
    try not to write off your IVF's so quickly. From what I read, in your mind you have already failed all 3 fresh cycles and however many frozen cycles, and written off adoption. I know its hard to feel like things can work out for us (cause lets face it, they haven't so far) but if you can, try to think of these IVF's as possibilities.....after-all, they very well COULD work!!!

  5. Ugh...I HATE those dreams, no good can come of them. The worst is when you actually have the baby in the dream, only to wake up and realize you aren't even pregnant yet...basically they're all nightmares in my book.

    I'm totally thinking of you this weekend, hoping you'll have some good news to share with us tomorrow!!!

  6. These dreams can get the best of us, I'm hoping that it really does come true so that you can stop planning your "impending" IVF's. Sending you lots of good luck =)

  7. In my experience, the last few days of a 2ww are longer than the first 10 put together. Optimism and hope become frayed and you start to move on mentally. But you still don't know for sure, and that's tortuous. Waiting sucks. Only a few days to go. Hang in!

  8. This was me on Thursday. Sometimes you can't help but go to the dark side with those horrifying thoughts that it will never happen for you. I think groggily waking up believing you were moving forward with a baby inside you and then having that expectation crushed when you really woke must have been totally devastating. No wonder you are feeling doomsday! But, here's the thing: There is NO REASON to that it won't happen for you. None at all! You had great follies, fluffy lining (!) and a solid ovulation. I have hope for THIS cycle!!! I am not counting you out!

  9. I can definitely relate, I've had those dreams too.
    I loved that movie, What Dreams May Come!!