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Saturday, July 17, 2010

This Is Not a Post About My Boobs

On Thursday, after hitting "publish" on the "Boob Update" post, I rose from my chair, went to the bathroom, said a little prayer before looking in my undies (come on, you do it, too... right?), breathed a sigh of relief, peed, wiped... red. So, yeah, the boobs, they lie.

I called in to the my new REs office and they told me to come in the next day (yesterday) for bloodwork. I had to bring the hubs with me for his own bloodwork. We sat in the waiting room together, not speaking. I was on the verge of tears.

They called me back to take my blood, and the nurse barely spoke to me, just handed me forms. "Fill out the highlighted sections," she said. "Okay, sign here," she said. I continued to be on the verge of tears.

The nurse stuck me and it hurt, and the pain persisted the entire time as she took about 8 vials of blood. Still on the verge of tears.

We then met with our IVF coordinator and signed consent forms: ICSI, assisted hatching, cryopreservation, etc. I signed but forgot to date everything. Because I was on the verge of tears.

She also gave us papers to sign if we wanted to be involved in a research study that would use leftover unviable eggs and sperm and could potentially help other couples undergoing IVF in the future. I wanted to help, but when I read over the paperwork, the sentence that caught my attention was the one that said something about if any of our leftovers were ever used commercially our privacy would be protected. Used commercially? Privacy protection? Uh-uh, no way. We didn't sign, I felt bad that I wouldn't be helping other infertile couples in the future, and I remained on the verge of tears.

Finally, we left.

I was not myself. Hubs said "Are you feeling okay?" and I shrugged. He said, "I think all that blood they took from you must have tired you out."

Yeah, okay, NO.

I don't feel bad because they took a few vials of blood from me. I feel bad because I'M BROKEN, I'M INFERTILE, I DON'T WANT TO DO IVF, I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS TO BE HAPPENING TO US, AND EVEN DOING THIS STUPID IVF WE MAY STILL NEVER END UP WITH A BABY.

The tears welled, but I did not cry.

I'm going to try and put on a brave face for myself, for my husband, and for the world. But I'm scared.


  1. I am here crying with you, Jane. I am in the same shoes, waiting for AF to start the BCP's, and I am s$%&t scared.
    I hope it just takes a little time to find some kind of a closure, accept, calm down, and then get psyched up for something totally new and hopefully SUCCESSFUL! I am ready for something successful.
    You know, you are not alone in this. I am here cheering you on!!!

  2. Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry. What a sucky process this is. The anger is just so hard to keep down sometimes. We didn't do anything to deserve to be put in this place and i just don't understand why we're here.

    I'm sending all the positive thoughts I can that this IVF is what you need.

  3. I went through the same emotions when we went did our IVF orentation. Infertility sucks...its a horrible thing to have to go through. ((HUGS))

  4. Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. At some point the tears will be too heavy to hold back (I'm so amazed you haven't let them go so far!), and when they fall, just let them fall. We're here for you (HUG)

  5. I'm scared too (sorry happened across your blog). Same timeframe started in Nov08. Have no issues so hence unexplained. Just did first cycle and it was all perfect and it failed. It sucks it hurts it is demoralising and like you i can't understand why it is happening to us. I just keep believing and dreaming that this is all a nightmare and one day I will hold my baby in my arms. That is all we can do. and you know what, you can cry cause it hurts and sometimes crying is all we have left.
    Good luck sweetie.

  6. I'm so sorry. Taking this step...it's like swallowing a very bitter pill. And there's something about coming off of a cycle where you had hope and already launching into the next one (without a respite) that just makes a soul tired.

    It's impossible not to feel broken through all of this. And, for what its worth, I wouldn't have signed either. The word "commercial" would have put me entirely off (and I'm scratching my head hard trying to figure out what that might mean...research purposes is one thing...but commercial!?!?).

    The thought I'll hold onto for you: there are a lot of broken-feeling women who start IVF with not a lot of hope, and end up very, very happy. I am crossing everything that this is the case with you.

  7. I'm sorry Jane, sending you tons of big hugs!! And I know how scary it all seems, and the pressure of IVF...ugh. I can't tell you how many times I just brokedown and cried during our cycle, just cause I was so frickin scared. But I am so hopeful for you hun, and in the end all the stress will be worth it when you get that BFP!!

  8. Oh Jane, I am so sorry. I am so sorry you have to do this. But I think it is your very very very best of a baby and I am so hopeful for you!

    I am probably about 6 weeks behind you with the forms and the tears and the scared-to-deathness. The thought of it all hurts my heart. I am so sorry we have to do this.