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Thursday, July 22, 2010


I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. I don't like this stage of life that I'm in. I just wish I could move on to something new - either a baby (please, please, please!), or other stuff (to be determined, but if we don't get a baby, it's kinda going to change my whole outlook on life, and I may have to: a) move somewhere else; b) go back to school; and/or c) become a drunk).

It's easy for me to get into that woe-is-me way of thinking, but it's not a healthy place. I'm trying to get it all out of my system now so that I can buck up when we actually start meds (August 4th!!). My goal, then, is to be in a zen place by August 1st. Okay, yeah, we'll see how that goes.

But, it certainly helps me lose the bad attitude when I'm confronted with the lives of others who are undergoing their own hardships.

There is a certain popular blog that I read (and if you read it too, which I bet some of you do, you're going to recognize which one I'm talking about). This blogger will, on occasion, and with much compassion, write about families that are dealing with challenges of their own:
  • Today she linked to the blog of a woman whose baby was born with a rare genetic disease. The woman found out when she was 17 weeks pregnant. Her daughter, now 3, has to have round the clock care and so lives permanently in an assisted care facility.
  • About a week ago she linked to the blog of a young mother of 6 who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and had just died, only 2 1/2 months after finding out she was sick.
  • The blogger's own sister, a mother of 4, was horribly burned over 80% of her body in a plane crash. She survived, but is permanently disfigured.
I can't help but ask myself, even though I want so desperately to be a mother, would I trade my plight for the plight any of these women, all of whom have achieved motherhood?

***Oh, and BTW, I had to call that company again today. Guess what song I got to hear TWICE MORE while I was on hold? Eat for F-ing Two. I hung up the phone and asked my husband to shoot me and put me out of my misery.***


  1. I'm so sorry that you're in this horrible place. I truly hope you can find some happiness, Jane. IF blows! :( *hugs*

  2. Oh Jane, oh yes, I am with you my friend. I am constantly "in my head" and not in a good way at all....I go to dark, jealous, sad places so quickly and easily. I am wishing tons of Zen vibes in your direction. I went to a meditation class last night and loaded up some new meditation CDs on my iPhone. Ommmmm. I'm totally trying to get my body in a more chillaxed, hopeful state, too. It's so hard, but let's give it our best effort! :) xo

  3. It's strange how even when you think you've reached the absolute pits, you hear something and realize it could be much worse. And that does interesting things for perspective (though, it still DOES blow to be without baby when you are so ready in every way).

  4. Intellectually I know that there are far worse things than being unable to have a baby, things like the ones you describe in this post. Unfortunately, only very infrequently does my awareness result in my feeling less sorry for myself.

    I hope you feel better soon. IF sucks.