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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Finally a Post About Canoeing and Gender Roles!

I don't like feeling sorry for myself. Except when I'm feeling sorry for myself and then I'm pretty much okay with it. But I need to stop writing posts only while I'm feeling that way, cuz they're just depressing. So here's a post on a completely different topic.

So, I love that TV show about the Dug.gars. You know the one. (*cough* 19 K.ids and C.ounting *cough*) I understand that there may be some controversy over the fact that they have so many children. But I say they've got a good thing going and they know it. So good for them.

And I love Michelle. If/when I am ever a mom, I would hope that I can be just like her (except with a tad bit more personality, I mean, does she have any interests outside of her family and God?). She never yells at her kids. Ever. She gently asks them to do the right thing, or she takes them aside and talks quietly with them about their behavior. She follows the "praise in public, criticize in private" motto. Love. Her.

Okay, so why am I writing about the Dug.gars? Well, I was watching a show yesterday in the midst of feeling sorry for myself (you'd think this show would be depressing to me, what with all that fertility running around, but it actually makes me smile), and something in particular irked me. Now this is not to be a criticism of the Dug.gars specifically (like I said, I love those guys), but of our gender-roled society (I know, finally, the post you've been waiting for!).

What happened on the show was that Jim Bob decided to go on a father/son canoe trip with a few of his sons. They showed an interview with him where he was talking about how important it is to spend time with your children and how important his sons are to him, and then they showed the canoe trip: camping, setting up tents, finding spiders under rocks, canoeing down the river. And all I could think was that if I was a Dug.gar girl, I would have been so insanely jealous.

This episode reminded me of the time, when I was about 7, that my dad and brother, along with his boy scout troop, went to a baseball game. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to go with them to this baseball game. And I asked to go. I BEGGED to go. And I was told that it was only for boys. And I was so sad. And you know what? To this day I have never been to a baseball game with my dad.

On another episode of the show that I watched yesterday (okay, yes, I watched more than one episode, maybe even more than two...), Michelle talked about how the little girls liked to play with dolls and the little boys liked to play with trucks. And then she mentioned that little Johanna also liked to play with trucks. Now, I don't think the Dug.gars, although they are a conservative family, force their boys and girls into gender roles on purpose. And I don't think that they would, for example, take away Johanna's trucks just because she's a girl. But I bet that if Johanna were old enough to want to go on that canoe trip, and if she had asked to go, she would have been told that it was for boys only. And then what would she have done? Wait for the mother/daughter canoe trip? And would it have really spoiled the father/son bonding if a daughter who had an interest in canoeing had come along?

I suppose I continue to harbor resentment over being denied that baseball game (okay, yes, it's true!). But when I was a kid I was so often jealous of what the boys got to do.

So, to all of you mothers and mothers-someday out there, don't gender segregate your children: let your children participate in the activities they want to participate in regardless of their gender!

(Oh, and I've been canoeing with my dad a bunch, so I guess it's not like I was denied everything!)

Did any of you ladies out there feel left out of activities because of your gender?

Or does anyone disagree with me and think that boys and girls should participate in separate activities? (Or think that that Dug.gars have way too many kids?)

15 comments:

  1. I was raised in a uber-liberal family and went to a hippie elementary school. So, girls did what the boys did. So, I've never felt left out of activities because of gender. And, I've always said I'll raise my children to be and play with whomever and whatever they want. So, I definitely agree with you on the frustration of what you're saying!

    Loved the title of this... :)

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  2. I did grow up resenting sports because my dad & brother got to have use of the one and only TV in the house over the weekends. And I we were allowed to play with boys and "boy" toys so I don't think we were forced into gender specific rolls. I agree with you, no child should feel left out and I think it's equally important to have a family trip versus a boy or girl trip. I would have been resentful too.

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  3. Hmm, interesting post.

    I was raised with just my dad and my brother, I wasn't necessarily forcefed boys activities but it felt pretty natural to play on the boys T-ball team (there wasn't a girls) and help my dad work on his truck. Instead of spending my time loitering at the mall, I leared about cars and knew how to rebuild a carburetor by the time I was 17. But at the same time, I inherently took over the bulk of the cooking and laundry duties. My dad said he'd just come home to find me in the kitchen with dinner half ready.

    That said, after highschool I worked in a job that was predominantly males, and even though I was more than capable to do the work, I got a lot of flack from customers and some of the other employees for it - and a few of the male customers wouldn't work with me because they assumed I was clueless and just there to get coffee and look pretty. And I wasn't given all of the same jobs as the other guys- even though I knew how (a few were dangerous). That was a tough pill to swallow when I'd been raised so differently...

    So I think part of the idea behind doing those separate activities is to bond with a common interest. And like you pointed out - typically boys like trucks, and typically girls like dolls- but I don't think it should be set in stone either way. And if one day I take my daughter out for a movie and a manicure and my son wants to do it too - I may not bring him then, but I'll make it a point to take him another day.

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  4. I like to watch that damn show too. I agree with you about Michelle's parenting style. She's very gentle, but still gets her point across. Love.

    I guess I always got to participate in any of the "boy" activities I wanted--camping, boating, fishing, shooting, etc. My parents never said we couldn't do something because of our gender. Good going, parents!

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  5. I don't think that all activities should be boy or girl, but some time with all the boys or all the girls is nice. I never felt left out at all-

    I rarely catch that show on when I'm flipping through, and I don't love it enough to make it a priority to watch... I think based on how her last daughter was born so early should make them think twice about having more kids- for the more kids' health's sake. They obviously know how their bodies work, and there is a little thing called abstaining if you don't want to get pregnant...

    Plus I cannot wrap my head around how God gives some people all the kids they ask for and cannot even give me ONE. I used to want three, but that has been greatly revised given my experience with a silent God...

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  6. I've never seen the show - and thank you for your objective opinion of it! I always sort of scoffed at the Duggars just because they are so uber-conservative and have so many damn kids! But I guess I should give them a chance. Maybe I'll learn something!
    Anyway, I've been thinking about gender stuff a lot lately. When we first found out we are having two girls, I felt sort of bad for my husband...that he won't have a son. Of course he never said or did anything to make me think that, but I guess I kind of assumed a man always wants a son. But the more I've thought about it, the more I realize that the importance is not in the gender role-based activities, but getting special time with a parent and vice versa. Especially with twins, I want to be sure my daughters feel like individuals and plan to have one-on-one mom and dad dates with each one on their own. Whether it be canoe trips or playing with dolls :)
    Anyway, good post!

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  7. Very interesting post. i was a very girly-girl. I refused to wear pants and only wanted dresses. My dad used to go to football games with my brother all the time and I was pretty jealous, but this weekend I get to go to the game with my dad as my brother will be doling haloween stuff with his daughter, yay IF for keeping me free this sunday!!! Just kidding.

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  8. Totally. I know my dad adores me but my little brother came along 7 years after my sister and I so he was immediately the crown prince. for all of us though we do love him! but my dad got him an AFL members ticket and my sister and I who love football never got anything just because he was the boy!!! i have never let him forget it.........

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  9. Great post!!

    My parents were pretty darn awesome about letting me be a total and complete TOM BOY! I was so sporty. :) That said, my older brother was a boy scout and he got to spend a lot of time with my DAd b/c my Dad was the troop leader. BUT, my parents did this cool thing where my Dad did a weekly "Special Night with Dad" (yes, that's really what it was called!) and it rotated each week among one of us 4 kids and we were allowed to pick anything we wanted to do (within reason). Sometimes we would even invite another sib along! Usually I picked playing tennis with my Dad followed by burgers and shakes at a diner. :) Sometimes we went bowling. Once we went to a baseball game! And I got girl time with my Mom too, we would do a mani/pedi day or an overnight stay at a B&B. I don't know how my parents did it—4 kids and they both had/have full-time stressful jobs as lawyers—but they sure did do a good job. I'm glad you mentioned this, b/c it's totally something special and important to keep in mind. And since I have no idea what the genders of our twinsies are, it's esp interesting to think abt right now.

    Also, now I want to watch this show! I've only seen them on the Today show and they freaked me out a bit, I'm glad it's a good way to unwind. :)

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  10. Great post!!

    My parents were pretty darn awesome about letting me be a total and complete TOM BOY! I was so sporty. :) That said, my older brother was a boy scout and he got to spend a lot of time with my DAd b/c my Dad was the troop leader. BUT, my parents did this cool thing where my Dad did a weekly "Special Night with Dad" (yes, that's really what it was called!) and it rotated each week among one of us 4 kids and we were allowed to pick anything we wanted to do (within reason). Sometimes we would even invite another sib along! Usually I picked playing tennis with my Dad followed by burgers and shakes at a diner. :) Sometimes we went bowling. Once we went to a baseball game! And I got girl time with my Mom too, we would do a mani/pedi day or an overnight stay at a B&B. I don't know how my parents did it—4 kids and they both had/have full-time stressful jobs as lawyers—but they sure did do a good job. I'm glad you mentioned this, b/c it's totally something special and important to keep in mind. And since I have no idea what the genders of our twinsies are, it's esp interesting to think abt right now.

    Also, now I want to watch this show! I've only seen them on the Today show and they freaked me out a bit, I'm glad it's a good way to unwind. xoxo

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  11. Hi, Jane! I saw a comment of yours over at The Rabbit Test and thought: "I think I'd like to read that chick's blog." And so here I am. Why is it that I like those shows about the people with all the kids s'damn much? Baffling. My brother and I had pretty gender-stereotypical interests as kids: I was into theatre and artsy stuff, while he was into sports. Semi-regularly, I would go to dinner theatre with my mom while my dad and my brother went to baseball games. I think I protested about the gender-role situation, and so Bro and I switched events while the parents stayed put (that is, I to the game with my dad, Bro to theatre with Mom). And that was fun, too. My $0.02.

    Take care,
    lady pumpkin

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  12. It's funny, I have a few of those resentments myself. But with me it was more about household chores - there were some chores that were deemed more "boy-friendly" (mowing the lawn) and those deemed more "girl-friendly" (washing dishes or dusting). And I really hated washing dishes and dusting. Like you, I swore that I would never repeat this with my own kids. (If/When).

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  13. These sort of gender sterotypes always make me laugh, especially when people talk about wanting a girl/ boy because they are looking forward to ballet recitals/ baseball games. It's not always like that.

    One thing that worries me about D Family is that the older children spend a lot of their time teaching the younger children. While I think family coperation is great, I worry that the older children are not going to be exposed to an intellectually rigorous education, especially as they are homeschooled.

    Plus, should "one-on-one" time with mom be seen as a "big reward", or an every day delight?

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  14. this post made me laugh! i LOOOOVE the duggars and i think there are definitely a few of their girls who are tom boys (johanna and joy anna)....i'm thinking jim bob wouldnt have taken them on "boys weekend" but would take them and probably does take them canoeing at other times. they dont show everything on the show!

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  15. ps i agree with the post above me; i'd like to see the duggar kids go to college and it doesnt seem like any are even though at least 4 or 5 have graduated homeschool high school.

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