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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Long Time No Blog!

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted. Um, about 3 months. Wow. Here's what happened: I got seriously down in the dumps. I was not living up to my blog name. I had lost hope. I learned that failing an IVF can really knock you down hard. I was knocked down and was having a hard time getting back up. The only posts I had it in me to write were woe-is-me posts. Whiny, crazy-pants, "WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!" posts. I hate writing those kind of posts. It makes me feel worse when I wallow in my own misery, so I chose to step away from the computer. I also went into therapy, which was a BIG help. We didn't even talk much about infertility, because as it turns out, a lot of what I was going through was a bigger life crisis: Where is my life going? What does it all mean? And what's the f-ing point? My therapist helped me to calm down and to see that although these are important questions, they are not questions that need to be answered today or tomorrow or even in the next year. In essence, she told me to just relax. Ha!

So for the months of November and December I was in therapy, and I was learning to relax, and then I found out that I had been accepted into the IVF study in Philly starting early January. Although tempted to blog about my 2nd IVF, I just couldn't. I had found a new peace that I was so afraid would be shattered if I went back to the daily detailing of every blood draw and ultrasound, examining every number for hope or the dashing of hope.

Instead I approached it like it was a mini-vacation (I stayed at a hotel down there for about half the time). I had to get up early and show up for my daily wanding, but otherwise I didn't let it occupy my mind at all. It was... dare I say it... relaxing. Snowy. But a nice break from my routine.

About 8 days past my retrieval (5dp3dt) I started getting cramping like my period was going to start. It was early for that and I started to think that I was either going to get my period early or that my body had found a new way to be broken. After 4 days of the cramps getting worse and worse I broke down and bought HPTs.
This is what I saw at 9dp3dt:

You can barely see it but yes, there is a 2nd line.

Yesterday we went in for our beta (15dp3dt): 785.

It's weird for me to write this but it looks like we're pregnant.

I had honestly convinced myself that it couldn't happen.
I am of course nervous because it's still early, but I didn't want to keep this from all of you, who have been such an amazing support system for me for over a year now, any longer.
So, am I back to blogging? I don't know... Any big events that happen I will post about because you guys deserve to know. But other than that I may continue to be quiet for a while. Or maybe not! I'm just not sure yet.
Finally, I'd like to extend a big heartfelt congratulations to these ladies who have just gotten their BFPs, too:
A at Remember All the Way (approx. 4 weeks 8 days today)
Erika at Pollination Chronicles (approx. 4 weeks 5 days today)
Secret Sloper at Park Slope Purgatory (approx. 4 weeks 6 days today)
Nicole at Lesbo Parents to Be (approx. 4 weeks 2 days today)


  1. Wow, congrats!! I am praying our little due date buddies will all have happy and healthy babies!

    And, funny thing, I was about to correct you because my ticker says 5w1d, but I guess that is the same as 4 weeks, 8 days! HA!!! my brain can't be affected yet, can it? haha.

  2. i've been wondering how you've been and hoping news like this would be appearing soon. it helped me to stay off the blogging during my last cycle, so i'm glad it did you good as well. CONGRATS!!!! this is fantastic news and i'm so happy for you. you're right about a negative ivf being devastating. no one understands who hasn't been through it. glad you took time to yourself and that you're in a great place :o) xoxo.

  3. Hooray!!! What great news. Congratulations.

  4. Congrats, girl! I couldn't be happier for you! Honestly!

    And I completely understand your need to step away from your blog. It's depressing out here. A girl needs a break every now and then. And it looks like this break worked in your favor. You totally deserve this BFP.

  5. Way to come back girl!!! WOOOOHOOOOO! And congratulations!! I've missed you and hope you're back to stay :)

  6. I have been wondering where you were! I am so excited and happy for you. I feel a connection given we have the same issues and been trying for the same amount of time so it was a big punch in the air for you. Wow!! Absolutely stoked!!!!

  7. I've been wondering here you've been!! What great news to come back with! Congratulations!!!!

  8. Ohhhhhh! Jane!!! I am in tears reading your post. In tears of joy:)
    I have been thinking so much about you since we sank together after IVF#1. I was wondering where you have been, how you have been and how you have been coping. It seems, our paths were very similar.

    I can't express how excited and how happy I am for you guys!!!
    Congratulations and I wish you the very best on your new journey.
    How wonderful news to come back to! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy:) ... you can tell I am excited;)
    I am hoping you keep this site busy now, so we can keep in touch and get lot's of updates from you.
    Much love ♥

  9. yay yay yay yay!!!! Congratulations!! You are PREGNANT!!!!!!! This is so awesome!!! My HPT looked the same at 9dp3dt and i am having twins!! I can't wait to hear more.

  10. What a pleasant surprise this post was!!!!! Sometimes I just feel like I want to jump blog ship and stop talking in circles. I am so happy the therapy help and what a blessing the IVF clinical trial was!!!! Congratulations on being pregnant and I look forward t whatever blogging you do with updates. Hooray for grea news!!!!

  11. Congratulations! I too had a failed IVF and it was so devastating, but we got pregnant on our second IVF. I completely can relate to that feeling of convincing yourself that it can't happen. I was in complete and utter shock when I saw my faint 2nd line. Congrats again, what a wonderful feeling. Enjoy it.

  12. YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! so happy for you, and what a great comeback to the blog world after a 3 month hiatus. I had the same thing when I got the BFP, lots of cramping that made me feel like AF was coming. I know its a little nerve-wracking right now, but stay positive and TRY to enjoy the BFP......try being the key word!

  13. Congratulations!! Glad you are back...but totallly understand your little break!!

  14. Yip yip yip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is so wonderful to hear your voice and so so so so so SO awesome to hear this fantastic news!!!!!!! Missed you and this post makes my day. So excited for you Jane!!! xoxo

  15. I'm so glad the break from everything was helpful to you. Congratulations, sweetie!

  16. So good to get an update from you! And its even more awesome because you're pregnant!!! Congrats! I look forward to updates even if they'll be few and far between! Good luck to you!

  17. It is SO good to hear from you! I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. I am thrilled that your return to blogging brings such fantastic news! Please keep us posted!

  18. Best post ever!!! Omigosh CONGRATS!! It is so great to get an update, especially one as exciting as this! Definitely keep us posted, wishing you the best with this pregnancy! YAY YAY YAY!!

  19. Okay, I'm super late, but HUGE CONGRATS to you!!! hope all is going well, please give us an update soon!