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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Off the Deep End

I'm having a hard time.

I've constructed a fantasy world where I'm happy. I described it to my husband and now I can't stop talking about it. In this fantasy world we have twins. We live in the country and grow all our own food, and we have chickens and goats. I sell the extra produce at the local farmers market on the weekend, and I'm a freelance food writer (I know, what?!). I'm still trying to figure out what my husband does in this fantasy world. I've tried getting him to play along but he's not into it. Probably because IT'S CRAZY. But right now it's the only thing that's keeping me going, the idea that maybe this fantasy could be my life someday, instead of infertility and my current soul-sucking job.

My reality:

I wanted my WTF appointment to have its own post, but there's not that much to say. My RE wants to change the way I'm stimmed - he thinks I was slightly over-stimmed and triggered a bit late, and that could account for the poor embryo quality, and he wants to do ICSI to hopefully improve fertilization. I think he might be right and he might be wrong and the only way to find out is to spend another $12,000.

We decided we'd try naturally this month, not because I have any hope of it working, but because not trying, even for one cycle, is just too much like giving up. But I'm now on CD 18 and I'm tired of the OPKs and taking my temperature and just want this cycle to be over. I want TTC to be over. I'm so done with it.

Next month will be 2 years of trying, but it feels like much much longer.


  1. Okay, forgive me, but as I'm reading this post, I'm seeing red. Your RE thinks you were over-stimmed (not your effin fault) and you triggered late (again, not your fault one bit) but why don't you spend another 12 K with this guy to see if he can get it right the next go-round. In all other circumstances, you'd be given a refund due to his error. But, in the world of RE, just pay him another 12 THOUSAND FRICKIN DOLLARS, and let's hope he can get it right this time. What a crock of sh*t that exists in the land of infertility! I am furious on your behalf! Grrrr.

    God, I pray that you get preggers on your own this month. Would serve that a-hole right! The nerve!

  2. I wish you get a version of your dream soon! TTC is so taxing, I know, but hang in there it's worth it in the end!

  3. I wish we could all fast forward to the end part where we are all happy with our healthy babies. I am sorry you are in a rough spot. I felt the same way after our first IVF failed. It was like IVF was the magic bullet and when it wasn't I felt totally lost and hopeless. I think your treatment plan makes sense and am glad that they will change things up for you next time. Breaks are good, even though it is lik eyou are just standing still, your mind and body need some time before you jump back in there. Hang in there....

  4. Your fantasy world sounds perfect to me...much like mine. I would love to live on a farm where we harvest our own organic foods. I would love to be home with our baby while pappa goes to work (or works from home) Maybe we can turn the hubs into farmers?!

    Sorry about your WTF appointment. I have to agree with Marla, it's terribly ashame the doctors are allowed to get it wrong at our expense. Seems so unfair. :( xoxoxoxox

  5. I just said to my DH tonight that I am just so OVER this. We're hitting 2 years, too, and it is just starting to seem SO ridiculous. I can't imagine the point anymore.

    I'm sorry that your WTF appointment was just so-so and I really hope things work out for you soon.

  6. Maybe we can all have a 2 year TTC anniversary over a virtual bottle of wine. I hit my anniversary in November and blah so BORED of it all. Altho agree with comment #1 he overstimms you and says you trigger late? Big admissions to be making since the trigger shot is the ONE shot that has to be absolutely perfect.

    I wish I had an answer. I wish we had appointments that are referring us to Ob/gyns?

    Here's to our au naturale month! Lets kick some inferile arse :)

  7. i know this feeling and it sucks hardcore. it probably doesn't help to hear it, but i think the RE's really learn alot about how our bodies respond to these meds during the first ivf cycle. what your doc wants to do for next time sounds like a good plan and i'm really hopeful that these tweaks do the trick. sending you big big big hugs on this dreary monday morning. the weather in nyc certainly isn't do much for you mood, huh? rain rain go away!

  8. Your fantasy world sounds a lot like my fantasy world. I really wish we could both have that.

  9. I like the fantasy. And I don't actually think it's crazy. Who can say what crazy is, and what will or won't come to be? Anyway, it gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling to read it (maybe I'm crazy? not sure).

    But being here is sucky. Soul-sucking jobs are sucky. Not knowing whether to follow an RE's advice (which sometimes has the tendency of looking like a whim), whether to spend yet more money...it's all so sucky and so hard. We're also trying to figure out next steps and also trying naturally this month. I. Hate. OPKs. And I hate years and years of trying:(

  10. jane, i know how much this sucks. i really truly do. i think sienna's right - your RE learns more about you each time. and i really think ICSI is a good idea especially since you had so many eggs last time! every person is different and every person responds differently. even with all of this amazing science, there is still SO much they don't know about ART.

    i am sorry this is your journey. :( i so hope for this journey to end soon with a baby snuggling in your belly.


  11. Well I'll play that game with you even if he won't.

    In my fantasy world, my husband and I have a toddler and we live in a townhouse with a cute little garden where she can help her plants grow. On sunny days we walk to the park and every evening we read books together. That's not too much to ask, is it?

  12. I have a fantasy...not involving a farm, but involving a baby and that also gets me through these awful times. Hoping you get your dream soon!

  13. That divide between the here and the desire to be there is hard. It's a rotten anniversary to boot. I want very much to lose myself playing with your chickens and waiting for you to serve up some deliciously homemade treat to your visitors in that dreamland.

    But, dare I ask why goats? You know they are from the devil. The devil looking like a goat is because, well, goats are devils. I grew up on a dairy goat farm. They are entertaining, but so much of a handful. I suggest when it comes to real life you look into mini-cows instead.

  14. Thanks for becoming a follower of my blog! I popped over to check yours out and became a follower too :-) I'm sorry you had such a blah follow up appointment. It really does suck but I hope the plan of attack he has in mind will do the trick. Having been in your shoes and had a cycle that ended badly due to protocol as well (over-stimming too - sound familiar?) we are about to go for egg collection tomorrow for IVF#2.5 (I say 2.5 because it is actually #3 but #1 was cancelled prior to egg collection due to REALLY over stimming so not sure if it counts!) and we are hoping that with a reduction of drugs and alot less follies we will get the result we hope for and some good quality embryos instead of a whole bundle (14) that couldn't go the distance due to fragmentation (we got one but was a BFN) When he says triggered a bit late does he just mean they left the follicles to grow a day or so longer than they should have? GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!