I'm not pregnant.
I know, this should not come as a shock to me after 22 failed cycles. And yet every month I entertain the notion that I could be pregnant, and then I start to be convinced that I am pregnant, even though I know I'm not pregnant.
And I'm never pregnant.
I've never been pregnant, not even once over these 2 years, not after 4 IUIs, not after IVF, not after spending upwards of $16,000. Not once.
I've never seen a positive pregnancy test.
And it feels so idiotic for us to keep throwing (all of our) money at this thing when clearly I CANNOT GET PREGNANT. But without a clear diagnosis, it's easy to hold on to a glimmer of hope, to even consider that maybe there's nothing wrong with me (us) at all, that our timing has just been off and we just need to keep trying.
Sometimes it feels like hope is my enemy.
Is There Anybody Out There?
5 months ago
I don't think hope is your enemy. You have so many reasons to hope...you have good eggs, good sperm. I think you've just fallen on the wrong side of luck. I know your lucky cycle will come. So keep holding onto that hope my friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Jane.
ReplyDeleteYou are not an idiot, though. Your hope is well-founded.
I think its so frustrating because you have "unexplained" infertility. We are in the same situation and every natural cycle I am so hopeful.
ReplyDeleteWe are prisoners of hope Jane, and while that can be excrutiating at times, it's what gets us from one cycle to the next and eventually our happy endings. I am really sorry this is yet another cycle of being told no. I am right there with you....except we are just begining the treatment route....so I am sure you will hear from screaming from me too.
ReplyDeleteBe sad, be mad, be angry...and then embarce the hope again, because I have a feeling it never goes away. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. xoxoxoxoxox
I know this feeling all too well the battle between hopeless and hopeful. You are not an idiot for wanting to keep going, I did the same very thing as you. Perhaps it might help for you to talk to your RE about what the thoughts on chances of acheiving pregnancy are and what they can try next. I know those conversations helped me.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, I know this is the hard part.
Thinking of you.
im in a very similar space as you. i don't have a clear diagnosis either. and so i still succumb to the addictive ART treatments in hopes that my ellusive BFP will find me someday and stay. i continue to hope and know that hope isn't my enemy and nor is it yours. hope is a friend that keeps us smiling, beacuse hope is what will get us our baby, some way, some how :-)
ReplyDeleteNever Give up! Never, never, never give up.
ReplyDeletetough and sad as it is, it can still happen.
Romans 8:24, for we are saved by hope, but hope that is seen is not hope, for what a man sees, why will he wait for it.
but if we hope for what we see not, then we with patience wait for it.
HAVE YOU TRIED GOING ABROAD. There's London clinc call ARGC, they have the best rates and succeed where other clinics failed.
God speed.
Amen, sister.
ReplyDeleteThis blows. I'm sorry that hope makes it so hard sometimes, but I don't give up.
Hugs.
Hope can really be dangerous. It feels good to hope. What is the alternative, but hope can come with disappointment. Sorry to hear about your not being pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI *know* that hope isn't the enemy, but I agree that sometimes it feels like it. I'm sorry about the negative again this time. It never gets easier, that is for sure. (HUG)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are dealing with another BFN. I know that disappointment all too well.
ReplyDeleteNo clear diagnosis does make it harder to swallow, in my opinion. We are "unexplained" also.
Ahhhh Jane I so 100% utterly and completely feel your pain. I think we just have to agree it has been BAD luck so far. You can get pregnant you just haven't yet. We are still young (ish) it can happen. CD1 sucks eggs. BIG TIME>
ReplyDeleteIf you live close to PA, there is an easy study to receive IVF. My husband and I are on the list. We will see after my November trail. Let me know.. They have great stats.
ReplyDeleteHope is a double edged sword! And it CAN happen to you, don't give up fighting!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way....after 2 1/2 years of TTC I have NEVER been pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if I am stupid for not giving up!!
ReplyDelete(HUGS)
i'm sorry! but you are definitely not an idiot. i know being unexplained sucks a big one. even after all of my testing, i'm still unexplained (with the exception of MTHFR which my RE has no concerns about) and it's not fair. and it's ridiculous! how in 2010 can they NOT find out what's wrong with us?!
ReplyDeletehope is tough, but please still hold on! it WILL happen! (at least that's what i tell myself.) hugs!
Im an addict of aiming too high and hoping all too much every single cycle. Funny that we still make the same mistakes after all these mths..years... gulp!
ReplyDeleteThis is a well-written post. I do not think you are an idiot. Sometimes, hope is all you have. I am in the same place as you - we keep trying and doing all these crazy things and nothing happens and NO ONE knows what's wrong. It's so frustrating you want to give up, but, HOW CAN YOU? Thanks for writing this.
ReplyDelete