I would like to apologize. I have not been blogging, but neither have I been commenting. I've still been reading, and so I know I'm not the only one out there who's gotten a BFN over the last few weeks, and although I'm still feeling the love through all of your warm and wonderful comments (thank you!), I haven't been returning that love, and I'm sorry.
So here's the thing. Yes, this most recent BFN hit me hard. I felt very positive this past cycle, and I knew that would get me in the end. When I get my hopes up, I don't take the inevitable BFN very well. I do much better when my hopes are tempered a bit. And this past cycle, even though I tried to think long term and not be so emotionally invested in the outcome of this one cycle, I couldn't help but think "this one's going to be it." Whether it was because the cycle went very smoothly (especially when compared to my other cycles) or whether it was because it was our last cycle before IVF, I don't know.
Anyway, the BFN hit me hard, but it kind of hit me in places I didn't expect it to hit me. Usually I get sad and sulky and all "when is this going to work already?" But this time the questions I was asking myself (and my poor DH) were much darker, along the lines of "what does my life mean if I can't have children?" and "how can I have f-ed up my life so badly?" I have truly felt like I hit a brick wall, as if my life was going along fairly smoothly but now I realize that somewhere I took a wrong turn and I'm at a dead end. And I can't go back.
Although I'm feeling better than I was a few days ago, I've realized that if I'm going to get over this wall, I need to get back in touch with the things in my life that are not TTC related. I've thrown all my strength and determination and hopes and time into this TTC project to the point where if it doesn't work I'm afraid of the life I'm going to discover I'm left with on the other side. Also, if we are successful, I don't want to be a desperate inconsolable crazy person going into it.
I need to find some balance. I need to pull myself together. I need to feel good about myself with or without a pregnancy, with or without children.
And I think part of that is taking a break from blogging and commenting. So much of my day to day life was revolving around things TTC related that I had lost my life beyond it. I mean, I still had a life outside of it, but I was only going through the motions and it held no meaning to me. The only thing that would hold any meaning to me was a BFP. And, well, that's just unhealthy. Whether I end up getting the BFP or not, I don't want to have that as the only thing in my life that will bring me any pleasure. That's just too sad and pathetic, and I don't want to be that person.
So, I'm pulling back.
Because I'm switching clinics for IVF, we probably won't cycle again until May, so I'm going to take this time and devote it to non-TTC related things. Just in the last few days I've already been able to rediscover some really rewarding things in my life. I'm going to continue on that path, and hopefully when we're back to cycling in May, I will be a much more grounded and emotionally stable person.
Again, I want to thank everyone for all their support. Your wonderful comments remind me that I'm not alone, and that means so much to me. Thank you!
Steel bars and shoelaces
1 year ago