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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Trying to Get My Life Back

I would like to apologize. I have not been blogging, but neither have I been commenting. I've still been reading, and so I know I'm not the only one out there who's gotten a BFN over the last few weeks, and although I'm still feeling the love through all of your warm and wonderful comments (thank you!), I haven't been returning that love, and I'm sorry.

So here's the thing. Yes, this most recent BFN hit me hard. I felt very positive this past cycle, and I knew that would get me in the end. When I get my hopes up, I don't take the inevitable BFN very well. I do much better when my hopes are tempered a bit. And this past cycle, even though I tried to think long term and not be so emotionally invested in the outcome of this one cycle, I couldn't help but think "this one's going to be it." Whether it was because the cycle went very smoothly (especially when compared to my other cycles) or whether it was because it was our last cycle before IVF, I don't know.

Anyway, the BFN hit me hard, but it kind of hit me in places I didn't expect it to hit me. Usually I get sad and sulky and all "when is this going to work already?" But this time the questions I was asking myself (and my poor DH) were much darker, along the lines of "what does my life mean if I can't have children?" and "how can I have f-ed up my life so badly?" I have truly felt like I hit a brick wall, as if my life was going along fairly smoothly but now I realize that somewhere I took a wrong turn and I'm at a dead end. And I can't go back.

Although I'm feeling better than I was a few days ago, I've realized that if I'm going to get over this wall, I need to get back in touch with the things in my life that are not TTC related. I've thrown all my strength and determination and hopes and time into this TTC project to the point where if it doesn't work I'm afraid of the life I'm going to discover I'm left with on the other side. Also, if we are successful, I don't want to be a desperate inconsolable crazy person going into it.

I need to find some balance. I need to pull myself together. I need to feel good about myself with or without a pregnancy, with or without children.

And I think part of that is taking a break from blogging and commenting. So much of my day to day life was revolving around things TTC related that I had lost my life beyond it. I mean, I still had a life outside of it, but I was only going through the motions and it held no meaning to me. The only thing that would hold any meaning to me was a BFP. And, well, that's just unhealthy. Whether I end up getting the BFP or not, I don't want to have that as the only thing in my life that will bring me any pleasure. That's just too sad and pathetic, and I don't want to be that person.

So, I'm pulling back.

Because I'm switching clinics for IVF, we probably won't cycle again until May, so I'm going to take this time and devote it to non-TTC related things. Just in the last few days I've already been able to rediscover some really rewarding things in my life. I'm going to continue on that path, and hopefully when we're back to cycling in May, I will be a much more grounded and emotionally stable person.

Again, I want to thank everyone for all their support. Your wonderful comments remind me that I'm not alone, and that means so much to me. Thank you!


  1. I understand and feel your pain. It is so hard every month. I found myself saying the same things after my 7th and final failed IUI. I took a six month break from TTC before making the IVF consult. We had it yesterday, and I am excited once again. Don't worry. We will get there. One way or another, we will get there.


  2. Taking the time to pull back and try to get your life back while taking a break of TTC is so important to do sometimes. Kudos to you for realizing that you need to do it and for taking the steps to do so. Is it easy? No, but I'm sure you can do it and I'm hoping it makes a huge difference for you. You are still in my thoughts and I'm wishing you the best at the new clinic in May. Big hugs!

  3. Refocusing on "real life" is definitely a good thing. I'm glad that you're finding what you need to do to help yourself.

    Giant ((hugs)). Hoping that your path leads you to where you need to be!!

  4. Good luck, kid! Here's hoping you are one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant while not thinking about it, and that we never see you again! (Because you're so happy, not 'cause we don't like you.)

  5. Don't beat yourself up too much for getting your hopes up, a BFN is a BFN, is BFN honey - it sucks *SS no matter what.

    I'm in a similar place right now, so I totally get it. Take all the time you need and we'll be here when you need us.

  6. Hi hun, totally don't worry about us. Sometimes you just need a break, and that's okay. You just need to do whatever YOU need right now, this process is so hard...so whatever you can do to make it a bit easier on yourself is well worth it. I think finding a balance is a wonderful thing, and something I know I could work harder on. So kudos for you, take your time...and enjoy yourself!!! Just know we're all here thinking about you, so you're totally not alone!

  7. I totally understand your need to chillax on the blogging front, it can get all-consuming. Enjoy the time off. Take care of yourself!

    And thank you for your comment on my dark post. I agree, Dr. C was being a bit, um, DOOMSDAY. But I guess the diff is that unlike most people who get off Clomid with the thin lining, he's concerned b/c I did Clomid AND Estrogen with no response. Anyway, whatever, we're not giving up.

    Thinking of you, my friend!

  8. You are DEFINITELY not alone! I think there are at least 5 of us who had multiple iui bfn's and are now moving to ivf! Crazy how we have sort of all lined up! I will be praying for you as you take your break- I think it's a very healthy thing to do, and I pray that you'll come back refreshed and confident!

  9. For all the amazing support and perspective, IF blogging can be a bit consuming. I hope your break brings you some peace and happiness.

  10. I agree and totally understand. Investing all one's time and energy into one pursuit and then when it doesn't work out, it feels pretty empty, there are no other resources to draw strength from. It sounds like this cycle you just really wanted it to work because of what it would mean if it didn't. You needed it to work.
    I'm so sorry. IVF is a good option, but when you guys are ready for it. Best wishes and good luck!

  11. These breaks are important. As much as I love blogging and commenting, it does add to my IF obsession. Of course much of it is very reassuring, but at times it adds to the stress. So I TOTALLY understand your need for a break. Take all the time you need and we'll still be here when you get back.

  12. I enjoy reading your blog. I am 35 and my husband is 48... We are going through the same issues.....

  13. Hi Jane. Just thinking about you and hoping everything is going okay.

  14. Hope you are having a much needed break and fun with all your nonTTC related activities!