Okay, to catch you up on where I was in March. Our last IUI (#4) went pretty awesomely. A nice 9mm lining, 4 decent sized follies, some good swimmers. I was so hopeful. And I knew it was our last chance at IUI - our next step was IVF and tens of thousands of dollars.
So, anyway, yeah, went awesome. Until that stupid beta.
And, like I said in my last post before my break, that kinda put me in a bad place. Now, I'm usually not a crier. Before starting TTC I cried maybe once a year. If that. And when I do cry, it's very dignified. A single tear, maybe two. A muted inhalation, perhaps, but never a sob. But after that last BFN? Sobbing so hard that I began to hyperventilate, get lightheaded, and consciously tell myself to calm the f down before DH called 911. Like I said, bad place.
So after that I didn't want to talk about TTC, read about TTC, or even think about TTC. Like ever again. Okay... for at least a month. So that's what I did. Or, um, didn't do.
Luckily, I have hobbies. Very time consuming hobbies, actually (I'm considering writing some blog posts about my hobbies at some point... so make sure you're all on the edges of your seats!). So, I dove head first into those and started to wonder how I had ever had time to go to the RE 2 or 3 times a week. Sheesh!
And, I'm not going to guarantee that everyone will have the same break results that I did... but... it went back to the way it used to be. Yes, you heard that right. Don't we all say that we wish things could be the way they were before we started TTC? Back when it was just us and our hubbies and we were content that way?
I GOT IT BACK.
I remember before we saw the RE for the first time how much I was looking forward to a doctor taking over my care so I could stop the temping and the OPKing and the running the show all by myself. But it turned out to be so much more stressful, with the wanding and the blood draws and the injections... and I have to say that it is such a relief to be back temping and OPKing. A relief, I tell you! I feel like I could do this forever. But, we don't have forever, and so it looks like we'll have 3 cycles of trying naturally before we start down the IVF path (we're getting towards the end of cycle #2 right now), and I'm happy that we'll have those 3 shots at doing this on our own, but, honestly, I don't have a lot of hope. And since I don't have a lot of hope, I'm not getting my hopes up.
And so instead, I'm just relaxing.
That's right. I'm terribly relaxed about the whole thing right now.
So, it's like the way it used to be, before we started TTC. But we're still, technically, TTC.
Except that there is, like, a 99% chance that we'll still have to do IVF.
So, in summary: breaks are good, and you CAN have it back.
Take that, infertility!
The Days Are Long but the Years Are Short
3 days ago