Friday, August 7th, 2009: The Day I Got My Stupid BFP

Well, at the very least I had to look up the exact date on FF. It's not like I have the date memorized or anything. And no, I never calculated my due date. I didn't really think much of it at all at the time. And I still think it was total BS...

So why do I still think about it?

Why can I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I got that phone call?

Okay, let me back up. So, I've never gotten a BFP, but last year, in August, I got a stupid BFP. What's a stupid BFP? One that only serves to get your hopes up but doesn't mean s--t. At 9dpo (yeah, that's right, 9 stupid days past ovulation) I went in for a beta. It was my first cycle at the RE. A clomid cycle. No IUI, just "timed intercourse." Oh, and I should mention that we had been married for just over a month, so it wasn't like it was THE MOST PERFECT TIMING EVER. Especially since we'd been trying, and worrying about trying, for the last 8 months or so (you know: what if we're successful and I can't fit into my dress? and all that BS). Anyway, why was my RE doing a beta at 9dpo? Who knows! At the time, it being my first cycle with the RE, I thought that was just the way it was done. (Oh, when you're seeing a professional, you don't have to wait the whole stupid 14 days! Woo-hoo!) Anyway, every cycle after that they told me to come in at 14 days, so that was wrong. Maybe it was for the progesterone level? But isn't that supposed to be 7dpo? So, who knows why, but they did my beta at 9dpo. And guess what? It was positive. Or, stupid positive. As in, not really positive at all. But boy was I ignorant back then.

So the call goes like this:

Jane: Hello?
RE: We got your pregnancy test result back, and it is positive...
Jane: (heart racing) Oh, okay?
RE: But it's a little low. It's at 9. So we need to retest it on Monday to make sure.
Jane: So what are the chances it's really positive?
RE: Oh, it is positive. Anything above 5 is positive.
Jane: Okay, well, what are the chances it's going to be a viable pregnancy?
RE: Well, there's no way to know really.
Jane: Well, do most women in your experience with a number that low go on to have a viable pregnancy?
RE: It's just too early to tell.
Jane: Okay, well, I guess I'll come in on Monday, then.

9? Seriously? And she's telling me it's positive?

But, okay, it's only 9dpo. If it were 14dpo, then 9 would obviously be super low, but maybe at 9dpo an hcg of 9 is okay? But no, she said it was low. But I did do a trigger shot, so maybe it was leftover from that? Probably. But they also tested my progesterone and it was over 40. That is pretty high. Like, maybe I was pregnant high. And when I went back on Monday and they retested my hcg it was at 2. One other time when I had my hcg tested at 12dpo (several months later) it was at 0 at 12dpo, so if it really was leftover from the trigger, wouldn't it have also registered the other time I had my hcg tested at 12dpo?

Can you tell that I'm still thinking about this? I mean, way over thinking about this?

Was I or was I not pregnant?

Okay, I was not pregnant pregnant. If an embryo implanted enough to produce hcg but not enough to delay my period (okay, I think it was delayed by 2 days, but clomid always seemed to lengthen my luteal phase), then that's not really pregnant. But could an embryo have implanted? In my uterus? Is it possible?

Going into IVF... I guess it would be nice to know that it's possible.

So, in closing, stupid not-even-enough-to-be-called-a-chemical-pregnancy pregnancies can SUCK IT.

And get out of my head stupid not-really-a-BFP BFP!