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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Friday, August 7th, 2009: The Day I Got My Stupid BFP

Well, at the very least I had to look up the exact date on FF. It's not like I have the date memorized or anything. And no, I never calculated my due date. I didn't really think much of it at all at the time. And I still think it was total BS...

So why do I still think about it?

Why can I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I got that phone call?

Okay, let me back up. So, I've never gotten a BFP, but last year, in August, I got a stupid BFP. What's a stupid BFP? One that only serves to get your hopes up but doesn't mean s--t. At 9dpo (yeah, that's right, 9 stupid days past ovulation) I went in for a beta. It was my first cycle at the RE. A clomid cycle. No IUI, just "timed intercourse." Oh, and I should mention that we had been married for just over a month, so it wasn't like it was THE MOST PERFECT TIMING EVER. Especially since we'd been trying, and worrying about trying, for the last 8 months or so (you know: what if we're successful and I can't fit into my dress? and all that BS). Anyway, why was my RE doing a beta at 9dpo? Who knows! At the time, it being my first cycle with the RE, I thought that was just the way it was done. (Oh, when you're seeing a professional, you don't have to wait the whole stupid 14 days! Woo-hoo!) Anyway, every cycle after that they told me to come in at 14 days, so that was wrong. Maybe it was for the progesterone level? But isn't that supposed to be 7dpo? So, who knows why, but they did my beta at 9dpo. And guess what? It was positive. Or, stupid positive. As in, not really positive at all. But boy was I ignorant back then.

So the call goes like this:

Jane: Hello?
RE: We got your pregnancy test result back, and it is positive...
Jane: (heart racing) Oh, okay?
RE: But it's a little low. It's at 9. So we need to retest it on Monday to make sure.
Jane: So what are the chances it's really positive?
RE: Oh, it is positive. Anything above 5 is positive.
Jane: Okay, well, what are the chances it's going to be a viable pregnancy?
RE: Well, there's no way to know really.
Jane: Well, do most women in your experience with a number that low go on to have a viable pregnancy?
RE: It's just too early to tell.
Jane: Okay, well, I guess I'll come in on Monday, then.

9? Seriously? And she's telling me it's positive?

But, okay, it's only 9dpo. If it were 14dpo, then 9 would obviously be super low, but maybe at 9dpo an hcg of 9 is okay? But no, she said it was low. But I did do a trigger shot, so maybe it was leftover from that? Probably. But they also tested my progesterone and it was over 40. That is pretty high. Like, maybe I was pregnant high. And when I went back on Monday and they retested my hcg it was at 2. One other time when I had my hcg tested at 12dpo (several months later) it was at 0 at 12dpo, so if it really was leftover from the trigger, wouldn't it have also registered the other time I had my hcg tested at 12dpo?

Can you tell that I'm still thinking about this? I mean, way over thinking about this?

Was I or was I not pregnant?

Okay, I was not pregnant pregnant. If an embryo implanted enough to produce hcg but not enough to delay my period (okay, I think it was delayed by 2 days, but clomid always seemed to lengthen my luteal phase), then that's not really pregnant. But could an embryo have implanted? In my uterus? Is it possible?

Going into IVF... I guess it would be nice to know that it's possible.

So, in closing, stupid not-even-enough-to-be-called-a-chemical-pregnancy pregnancies can SUCK IT.

And get out of my head stupid not-really-a-BFP BFP!


  1. Hoping so much that it is a positive sign for your next steps! Wishing you so much ouch on the ivf cycle!

  2. Oh dear, my auto correct changed "so much luck" into "so much ouch" in my comment above which is obviously NOT what i meant!! Sorry about that!!

  3. That would be super confusing. Good luck with the up coming IVF cycle! Hoping this is your turn for a BFP!

  4. I would have to say it was left over from trigger. 9dpo is just too early after trigger. (Like I'm the expert, lol!) I agree, who tests at 9dpo! Getting your hopes up for nothing! Stupid! I'm upset for you! Grrrr.

    I'm sorry that you have to take the IVF route, but I truly hope that it's successful for you. GL! *hugs*

  5. This totally resonated -- I got a reading of 5.4 (just enough above 0 to really fuck with me) at 11dp5dt, and it totally screwed with my head.

    Sorry that you are still thinking about this, but I totally get it. Good luck!

  6. I think a chemical pregnancy would be the most frustrating thing of all. I have yet to experience that, and hope I never do. The confusion would kill me! Regardless, I think you have a great chance with IVF and wish you all the best! Good luck!

  7. Wow that was something! Its hard not to wonder about it no matter how long its been, but at the same time I'm surprised they had you testing at that point, so early! Ah well.

    For now I'm just wishing you all the luck with the IVF, fingers crossed!

  8. That's crazy early to test. They DO say the HCG is out of your system 10 days after trigger but that it can linger in certain cases. Weird that they'd even do it. And, yeah, that is a sucky sucky BFP. The gray area is TERRIBLE.

  9. I am sorry about the chemical. They just plain suck:(

    I hope, there will be another BFP very soon to make these memories faint.
    FX for you IVF cycle!

  10. hey jane - i just saw your comment about all the immune testing, and it's not too late, so thanks!! looks like we'll be ivf cycle buddies come july, so i'm glad i found you :o)

    ps - my 1st ivf resulted in a chemical. a bfn would've been much preferrable to that for sure :o(

  11. So, I totally get why this eats at you. And I'm hoping it WAS a chemical, as much as that absolutely sucks, because it means you can CONCEIVE and then the little embie can IMPLANT in your nurturing little uterus. You know? It shows your body can do this. And it will. You'll get some extra special help with IVF and have a real-deal go at this. You're going to do awesome!!!

    I also think it's weird there was still some HCG in your system when they did the follow-up Beta. To me, that suggests it def could've been chemical. The trigger should've been outta your body by then, right?

  12. I absolutely CANNOT BELIEVE that an RE's office would do that to you!!! Ugh!!! If you thought you were pregnant, then it is like you were pregnant, and you basically had to go through the pain of a miscarriage without really having one at all... Dude, maybe you should sue.

  13. I totally get this too!! Way before we started officially trying, we had a couple months where we were just kinda playing around. Randomly my period was late so I tested, and super faint line but clearly there. Tested the next day and it didn't get any darker, the next day I got my period. I don't know what really happened, but I told myself at least if it was a chemical...my body was at least trying to do the right thing and thought about that maybe positive all the time until we got a real one.

    But here's the thing, which my RE said about IVF which really sold me. IUIs he can't tell what's going on, and has no stats on fertilization or anything. But with IVF, you're going to see what your eggs and hubbys sperm do and know you can make a little embaby before they even go back into your body, and that alone gave me some peace of mind with the whole process. All my body had to do was get that little embaby to implant, with the help of PIO shots!! Chemical or trigger residual, either way I'm still so full of hope for you with IVF, I really am!!!

  14. Dude that's jacked. And I know jack.

    I wanted to stop in and just say thanks for stopping by today. It was rotten, but your comments helped a lot. Thank you!