Two days in a row I've been assaulted by the song "Eat For Two" while on hold (with the same company). Both times I had to listen to the part that goes "You know where this will lead, to hush and rock in the nursery, for the kicking one inside of me. I eat for two, walk for two, breathe for two now."
It ripped my heart out.
I couldn't help but imagine the (fictional?) woman who's perspective this is sung from: too young, not ready, but maybe in love; full of regret, but thinking of her unborn baby, kicking inside of her.
I have to admit that it made me long to be that woman. I guess I could have been that woman (maybe). One break of the condom and I could have been knocked up at 23, too young, not ready. It happened to a good friend of mine. She and the father, her partner, have a beautiful, smart 11 year old daughter now.
When I imagine the woman who is the subject of this song, I imagine my friend, alone in her pregnancy, with all of her friends still in school, or just embarking on their first jobs, maybe taking some time off after finishing college to see the world (I had just moved away from my college town after graduating when I found out about her pregnancy). And there she was, pregnant and unmarried (the father, also a good friend, did stick with her, although I know he was scared).
I wasn't envious for her then. But I am so envious of her now.
Maybe it's because that song, truly, is a beautiful song, and it kinda glorifies young unwed mothers a bit. Doesn't it?
Ugh. Gimme a baby, already, universe! Or please please stop torturing me!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
This Is Not a Post About My Boobs
On Thursday, after hitting "publish" on the "Boob Update" post, I rose from my chair, went to the bathroom, said a little prayer before looking in my undies (come on, you do it, too... right?), breathed a sigh of relief, peed, wiped... red. So, yeah, the boobs, they lie.
I called in to the my new REs office and they told me to come in the next day (yesterday) for bloodwork. I had to bring the hubs with me for his own bloodwork. We sat in the waiting room together, not speaking. I was on the verge of tears.
They called me back to take my blood, and the nurse barely spoke to me, just handed me forms. "Fill out the highlighted sections," she said. "Okay, sign here," she said. I continued to be on the verge of tears.
The nurse stuck me and it hurt, and the pain persisted the entire time as she took about 8 vials of blood. Still on the verge of tears.
We then met with our IVF coordinator and signed consent forms: ICSI, assisted hatching, cryopreservation, etc. I signed but forgot to date everything. Because I was on the verge of tears.
She also gave us papers to sign if we wanted to be involved in a research study that would use leftover unviable eggs and sperm and could potentially help other couples undergoing IVF in the future. I wanted to help, but when I read over the paperwork, the sentence that caught my attention was the one that said something about if any of our leftovers were ever used commercially our privacy would be protected. Used commercially? Privacy protection? Uh-uh, no way. We didn't sign, I felt bad that I wouldn't be helping other infertile couples in the future, and I remained on the verge of tears.
Finally, we left.
I was not myself. Hubs said "Are you feeling okay?" and I shrugged. He said, "I think all that blood they took from you must have tired you out."
Yeah, okay, NO.
I don't feel bad because they took a few vials of blood from me. I feel bad because I'M BROKEN, I'M INFERTILE, I DON'T WANT TO DO IVF, I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS TO BE HAPPENING TO US, AND EVEN DOING THIS STUPID IVF WE MAY STILL NEVER END UP WITH A BABY.
The tears welled, but I did not cry.
I'm going to try and put on a brave face for myself, for my husband, and for the world. But I'm scared.
I called in to the my new REs office and they told me to come in the next day (yesterday) for bloodwork. I had to bring the hubs with me for his own bloodwork. We sat in the waiting room together, not speaking. I was on the verge of tears.
They called me back to take my blood, and the nurse barely spoke to me, just handed me forms. "Fill out the highlighted sections," she said. "Okay, sign here," she said. I continued to be on the verge of tears.
The nurse stuck me and it hurt, and the pain persisted the entire time as she took about 8 vials of blood. Still on the verge of tears.
We then met with our IVF coordinator and signed consent forms: ICSI, assisted hatching, cryopreservation, etc. I signed but forgot to date everything. Because I was on the verge of tears.
She also gave us papers to sign if we wanted to be involved in a research study that would use leftover unviable eggs and sperm and could potentially help other couples undergoing IVF in the future. I wanted to help, but when I read over the paperwork, the sentence that caught my attention was the one that said something about if any of our leftovers were ever used commercially our privacy would be protected. Used commercially? Privacy protection? Uh-uh, no way. We didn't sign, I felt bad that I wouldn't be helping other infertile couples in the future, and I remained on the verge of tears.
Finally, we left.
I was not myself. Hubs said "Are you feeling okay?" and I shrugged. He said, "I think all that blood they took from you must have tired you out."
Yeah, okay, NO.
I don't feel bad because they took a few vials of blood from me. I feel bad because I'M BROKEN, I'M INFERTILE, I DON'T WANT TO DO IVF, I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS TO BE HAPPENING TO US, AND EVEN DOING THIS STUPID IVF WE MAY STILL NEVER END UP WITH A BABY.
The tears welled, but I did not cry.
I'm going to try and put on a brave face for myself, for my husband, and for the world. But I'm scared.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Boob Update!
Okay, everybody: exhale. I don't think it's my turn this month.
I started spotting a little yesterday, and today I feel like I'll be getting my period any second now. Boobs are still larger than normal and a little sore, but not as firm as they were a few days ago. I think this just may have been the universe's way of f-ing with me. Maybe the universe saw how relaxed I've been over the last few months and instead of rewarding me with a pregnancy, decided that there just wasn't enough crying going on over at the TTC Hopeful house, so why not try to get my hopes upa little a lot so that they can just be CRUSHED MERCILESSLY.
Anyway, it's not over until the lady in red makes her debut (seriously... any second). But I'm looking forward again, instead of being trapped in that horrible endless cycle of "Are my boobs still sore?" Ten seconds later: "How about now?" Ten seconds later: "Now?" Ten seconds later: "What about now?" ("aaaaaggggggghhhhhh!!!!!")
So, as soon as the red lady shows, I will call my new and improved RE's office (Dr. Big Time) to let them know that I'm on CD1. On CD3 I'll go in for day 3 bloodwork. If that checks out fine (***please!***) then I'll start Lupron at the end of the cycle, wait for my period, and then start stims.
IVF!!! Hee-yah!!
I started spotting a little yesterday, and today I feel like I'll be getting my period any second now. Boobs are still larger than normal and a little sore, but not as firm as they were a few days ago. I think this just may have been the universe's way of f-ing with me. Maybe the universe saw how relaxed I've been over the last few months and instead of rewarding me with a pregnancy, decided that there just wasn't enough crying going on over at the TTC Hopeful house, so why not try to get my hopes up
Anyway, it's not over until the lady in red makes her debut (seriously... any second). But I'm looking forward again, instead of being trapped in that horrible endless cycle of "Are my boobs still sore?" Ten seconds later: "How about now?" Ten seconds later: "Now?" Ten seconds later: "What about now?" ("aaaaaggggggghhhhhh!!!!!")
So, as soon as the red lady shows, I will call my new and improved RE's office (Dr. Big Time) to let them know that I'm on CD1. On CD3 I'll go in for day 3 bloodwork. If that checks out fine (***please!***) then I'll start Lupron at the end of the cycle, wait for my period, and then start stims.
IVF!!! Hee-yah!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Breaking News About My Boobs
Today I am 12dpo. Starting at 9dpo my boobs started to A) feel firmer; and B) feel bigger. Yesterday, they started to feel a little bit sore.
On all of my clomid and injectable cycles I had sore boobs starting at ovulation. They would remain that way until a few days before my period was due, at which point they would go back to normal, and all my hope would be extinguished.
In every other non-medicated cycle, they have stayed "normal" throughout the 2ww, despite all my poking and prodding.
So, on Saturday, when I did my regular cop-a-feel test, I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that, in fact, they felt different.
So, now I'm poking and prodding like a maniac all day long, thinking that as long as they stay like this, I have hope, but worried that the next time I grope myself they'll be back to normal and, again, my hope will die.
Ugh. My period is due on Friday. So. Far. Away.
And I hate that most likely this is some stupid fluke that actually means nothing and will get my hopes up and then CRUSH THEM.
On all of my clomid and injectable cycles I had sore boobs starting at ovulation. They would remain that way until a few days before my period was due, at which point they would go back to normal, and all my hope would be extinguished.
In every other non-medicated cycle, they have stayed "normal" throughout the 2ww, despite all my poking and prodding.
So, on Saturday, when I did my regular cop-a-feel test, I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that, in fact, they felt different.
So, now I'm poking and prodding like a maniac all day long, thinking that as long as they stay like this, I have hope, but worried that the next time I grope myself they'll be back to normal and, again, my hope will die.
Ugh. My period is due on Friday. So. Far. Away.
And I hate that most likely this is some stupid fluke that actually means nothing and will get my hopes up and then CRUSH THEM.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Hello (Again) World!
It looks like I took June off from blogging. Hmm. Not sure how that happened. And I'm not sure if this is going to be an "I'm back" post or just a quick update before I disappear again. So, we'll see.
I am currently in my last cycle before embarking on IVF. As soon as I get my period I'll go in for day 3 bloodwork, then start Lupron at the end of that cycle, then get my period again and start stims.
This month is our fourth month of "trying naturally" since we failed our last IUI. Am I crazy to still be hopeful that "natural" could actually work for us?
Last month I miscalculated when my period was due and thought I was late. But I knew there was a possibility that I'd miscalculated so for 2 days I didn't look at my chart because I wanted to live in that other world, just for a little while. And it was a wonderful wonderful world. It's like lollipops and unicorns over there, ladies. Then, those 2 days went by, and I thought maybe it was safe to check my chart, that maybe I really wasn't going to have to leave that wonderful world. And when I checked my chart I saw that my period was due the next day. Well, it was nice while it lasted.
Oh, and I came back positive for the MTHFR mutation. Dr.'s email said "your blood clotting workup was essentially negative except for one very minor thing called an MTHFR mutation. This is very very common and is associated with a very low clotting risk...i merely recommend for this that you take additional folic acid daily." He makes it sound so... benign. Is it? Dr.'s email went on to say: "You had one of the a type mutation and one of the c type mutations = double heterozygote." He says I should take "minimally 2mg total" of folic acid daily. If anyone has any experience with this and what it really means to me please let me know.
Finally, our one year anniversary is coming up next week. Married life is awesome. We were together 7 years before we got married. They were often tumultuous years, too, which is maybe why we waited so long. But this past year, besides the IF crap, has been blissful. Just blissful. Wish we'd tied the knot earlier.
I am currently in my last cycle before embarking on IVF. As soon as I get my period I'll go in for day 3 bloodwork, then start Lupron at the end of that cycle, then get my period again and start stims.
This month is our fourth month of "trying naturally" since we failed our last IUI. Am I crazy to still be hopeful that "natural" could actually work for us?
Last month I miscalculated when my period was due and thought I was late. But I knew there was a possibility that I'd miscalculated so for 2 days I didn't look at my chart because I wanted to live in that other world, just for a little while. And it was a wonderful wonderful world. It's like lollipops and unicorns over there, ladies. Then, those 2 days went by, and I thought maybe it was safe to check my chart, that maybe I really wasn't going to have to leave that wonderful world. And when I checked my chart I saw that my period was due the next day. Well, it was nice while it lasted.
Oh, and I came back positive for the MTHFR mutation. Dr.'s email said "your blood clotting workup was essentially negative except for one very minor thing called an MTHFR mutation. This is very very common and is associated with a very low clotting risk...i merely recommend for this that you take additional folic acid daily." He makes it sound so... benign. Is it? Dr.'s email went on to say: "You had one of the a type mutation and one of the c type mutations = double heterozygote." He says I should take "minimally 2mg total" of folic acid daily. If anyone has any experience with this and what it really means to me please let me know.
Finally, our one year anniversary is coming up next week. Married life is awesome. We were together 7 years before we got married. They were often tumultuous years, too, which is maybe why we waited so long. But this past year, besides the IF crap, has been blissful. Just blissful. Wish we'd tied the knot earlier.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Post Where I Over-Analyze My Over-Analyzation, and Then Some
Slight change of plans. Our quote from Dr. Big Time's shared risk plan came in. Sheesh!
In my second to last post I mentioned that we are thinking about doing a refund (or "shared risk") plan. Out of the 3 IVF REs we've seen, 2 offer a shared risk plan: Dr. Big Time and Dr. Immunity. The details of the plans are different in ways, but at their most basic they are the same: you pay a large sum up front (does not include meds or anesthesia), and get up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, and a portion of your money back if at the end you don't get a baby.
Dr. Immunity's plan costs $19,050. The refund at the end (with no baby) would be $4475. The refund is small, but the initial cost is also, comparatively, small. However, Dr. Immunity's success rates are all over the place. For 2008, Percentage of Transfers Resulting in Live Births:
So, how does this change our plans? Well, first of all, I don't think we can do Dr. Big Time's shared risk program. Here's the thing, the worst case scenario financially is that I do all six cycles (3 fresh, 3 frozen) before I get pregnant. In that scenario, we would not get a refund, plus we will have to have spent money each time on meds and anesthesia, which I guess could be about $14,000, in addition to the original $36, 772, for a grand total of $50,772.
I can't do it.
Spending $50,000 on a baby... I mean... I just don't think I can do it. Ugh. The thing is, we have the money. We don't have much more than that though, so pretty much we would be in a position that we have spent ALL OUR MONEY and are now pregnant. And maybe with twins (Dr. Big Time has a 32.3% twins rate). It feels irresponsible to do that. Of course, there are a lot of couples out there that get pregnant with twins and probably don't have a lot of savings and they make do. We could, too. I know we could. But we have a choice here. We don't have to do it that way.
The thing that I find so difficult to wrap my head around is that the very reason I qualify for these shared risk programs is that, based on my stats, I am likely to not end up having to get a refund. I am likely to get pregnant from IVF (again, based on my stats, not on my own feeling about it, which is that I'M BROKEN AND I'LL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN! WAAAAAH!!). I am (fairly) young, and so far no one had found anything wrong with me. I SHOULDN'T do the shared risk program for the same reason I am covered under the shared risk program: based on my stats I am likely to have success with IVF.
Okay, next (I feel like this post is scattered all over the place, but I'm gathering my thoughts on all this as I type, sorry!). What is our maximum budget for IVF? Hubs and I talked it over, and we think we'd like to try to not go much over $30,000. And although 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles would give me a really really good chance of getting pregnant, I can't help but think it's a little overkill. (Oh boy do I hope those words don't come back to haunt me. Please please don't come back to haunt me, words...)
Okay, let's do a little exercise. Let's take 100 women between the ages of 35-37. Let's say they go to Dr. Big Time, and they are in it to win it: 3 fresh, 3 frozen, or until they're knocked up. Based on his stats here's how it would go:
If I paid for the cycles one by one, and it took 2 fresh and 2 frozen for me to get pregnant, I would pay:
Now, the final option would be to go with Dr. Immunity's 3 fresh/3 frozen shared risk plan. Total cost if it takes all 6 cycles to get knocked up: $32,550 (approximately, obviously). Of course, his success rates are lower, so my exercise above would look very different for him (I'm not going to show you that one, because I'm guessing you can't take much more of this!!).
Based on all of the above, we are now thinking we will either do a cycle by cycle with Dr. Big Time (up to 2 fresh and 2 frozen), or the shared risk with Dr. Immunity. And we have decided to wait until all of our immunity tests come back before we decide, which we found out could be up to a month (oh, yeah, they took 26 VIALS OF BLOOD FROM ME, HOLY SMOKES!). Which means we won't start our IVF next month as planned. We'll probably start in July.
And finally, I just want to say that I realize that all of our planning and figuring things out and all of my little "exercises" could add up to diddly-squat when we finally do an IVF. For example, we may find that my eggs SUCK, in which case if we didn't sign up for the shared risk, we may wish we had, as it would then be more likely (I would think) that we would need all the cycles, imagining that if my eggs are crap I might not be able to do the FETs at all.
So, that's it! If you've read this far, congratulations! You either: A) really care about my life (thank you! you are so sweet!), or B) are as obsessed with IVF costs and success rates as I am (you should really chill out about that. seriously.)
In my second to last post I mentioned that we are thinking about doing a refund (or "shared risk") plan. Out of the 3 IVF REs we've seen, 2 offer a shared risk plan: Dr. Big Time and Dr. Immunity. The details of the plans are different in ways, but at their most basic they are the same: you pay a large sum up front (does not include meds or anesthesia), and get up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, and a portion of your money back if at the end you don't get a baby.
Dr. Immunity's plan costs $19,050. The refund at the end (with no baby) would be $4475. The refund is small, but the initial cost is also, comparatively, small. However, Dr. Immunity's success rates are all over the place. For 2008, Percentage of Transfers Resulting in Live Births:
- Under 35 - 54% (National Average - 47.3%)
- 35-37 - 32% (National Average - 37.3%)
- 38-40 - 10.7% (National Average - 28.2%)
- 41-42 - 35% (National Average - 16.7%)
- Under 35 - 51.9% (National Average - 47.3%)
- 35-37 - 44.4% (National Average - 37.3%)
- 38-40 - 31.1% (National Average - 28.2%)
- 41-42 - 18.2% (National Average - 16.7%)
So, how does this change our plans? Well, first of all, I don't think we can do Dr. Big Time's shared risk program. Here's the thing, the worst case scenario financially is that I do all six cycles (3 fresh, 3 frozen) before I get pregnant. In that scenario, we would not get a refund, plus we will have to have spent money each time on meds and anesthesia, which I guess could be about $14,000, in addition to the original $36, 772, for a grand total of $50,772.
I can't do it.
Spending $50,000 on a baby... I mean... I just don't think I can do it. Ugh. The thing is, we have the money. We don't have much more than that though, so pretty much we would be in a position that we have spent ALL OUR MONEY and are now pregnant. And maybe with twins (Dr. Big Time has a 32.3% twins rate). It feels irresponsible to do that. Of course, there are a lot of couples out there that get pregnant with twins and probably don't have a lot of savings and they make do. We could, too. I know we could. But we have a choice here. We don't have to do it that way.
The thing that I find so difficult to wrap my head around is that the very reason I qualify for these shared risk programs is that, based on my stats, I am likely to not end up having to get a refund. I am likely to get pregnant from IVF (again, based on my stats, not on my own feeling about it, which is that I'M BROKEN AND I'LL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN! WAAAAAH!!). I am (fairly) young, and so far no one had found anything wrong with me. I SHOULDN'T do the shared risk program for the same reason I am covered under the shared risk program: based on my stats I am likely to have success with IVF.
Okay, next (I feel like this post is scattered all over the place, but I'm gathering my thoughts on all this as I type, sorry!). What is our maximum budget for IVF? Hubs and I talked it over, and we think we'd like to try to not go much over $30,000. And although 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles would give me a really really good chance of getting pregnant, I can't help but think it's a little overkill. (Oh boy do I hope those words don't come back to haunt me. Please please don't come back to haunt me, words...)
Okay, let's do a little exercise. Let's take 100 women between the ages of 35-37. Let's say they go to Dr. Big Time, and they are in it to win it: 3 fresh, 3 frozen, or until they're knocked up. Based on his stats here's how it would go:
- 1st Fresh IVF: Out of 100, 44% (44 women) would get pregnant, leaving 56 women not pregnant
- 1st Frozen: Out of 56, 30% (17 women) would get pregnant (btw, 30.2% is their success rate for FET), leaving 39 not preggers.
- 2nd Fresh: Out of 39, 44% (17 women) would get pregnant, leaving 22.
- 2nd Frozen: Out of 22, 30% (6.6, but lets round down and say 6 women) would get pregnant, leaving 16.
- 3rd Fresh: Out of 16, 44% (7 women) would get pregnant, leaving 9.
- 3rd Frozen: Out of 9, 30% (3 women) would get pregnant, leaving 6.
If I paid for the cycles one by one, and it took 2 fresh and 2 frozen for me to get pregnant, I would pay:
- $9,215 x 2 (for fresh IVF cycles)
- $3,500 x2 (for frozen cycles, and I actually don't know how much their FETs cost, so this is just an undereducated guess)
- $750 x 2 (anesthesia)
- $4000 x 2 (meds, which I hope is an overestimation)
- Total: $34,930
Now, the final option would be to go with Dr. Immunity's 3 fresh/3 frozen shared risk plan. Total cost if it takes all 6 cycles to get knocked up: $32,550 (approximately, obviously). Of course, his success rates are lower, so my exercise above would look very different for him (I'm not going to show you that one, because I'm guessing you can't take much more of this!!).
Based on all of the above, we are now thinking we will either do a cycle by cycle with Dr. Big Time (up to 2 fresh and 2 frozen), or the shared risk with Dr. Immunity. And we have decided to wait until all of our immunity tests come back before we decide, which we found out could be up to a month (oh, yeah, they took 26 VIALS OF BLOOD FROM ME, HOLY SMOKES!). Which means we won't start our IVF next month as planned. We'll probably start in July.
And finally, I just want to say that I realize that all of our planning and figuring things out and all of my little "exercises" could add up to diddly-squat when we finally do an IVF. For example, we may find that my eggs SUCK, in which case if we didn't sign up for the shared risk, we may wish we had, as it would then be more likely (I would think) that we would need all the cycles, imagining that if my eggs are crap I might not be able to do the FETs at all.
So, that's it! If you've read this far, congratulations! You either: A) really care about my life (thank you! you are so sweet!), or B) are as obsessed with IVF costs and success rates as I am (you should really chill out about that. seriously.)
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