Hello World!

I'm pretty sure that I'm obligated to start this post by saying what a terrible blogger I am. I'm the worst. Sorry.

I gave birth to a healthy beautiful 9lb. 4oz. baby boy on October 14th. I am beyond happy. And I still can't quite believe it really happened, that I really became a mother. Every day I ask myself whether it's all a dream.

I didn't blog while I was pregnant because I knew that so many of my followers were still waiting for their BFPs. I couldn't figure out how to blog in a way that felt sensitive to them. I remember so well how it feels to read pregnancy posts when you're feeling like your time will never come. I am so overjoyed that in the last year so many of you finally got knocked up: Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream, S at Misconceptions About Conception, Misfit at Misfit Mrs., Jill at Infertility Unexplained, Jay at Stuck in a Baby Drought, Hillary at Making Me Mom, Crossing My Fingers at Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs, Gurlee at Infertility Musings, Chon at My Path to Insanity and Beyond, and Francie at Yet Another Infertility Blog. I am beyond saddened to know that many of you are still waiting: CGD at Adventures in Infertility-Land, Kim at The A.R.T. of Babymaking, Raising Cain at Raising Cain (Someday), and Brave IVF Girl at Braving IVF. (If I've forgotten anyone, loyal followers, I'm sorry!)

I haven't blogged since giving birth, because, well, taking care of a baby is TIME CONSUMING! And, I don't have a (working) computer at home. So my only time to blog is while at work, and I've been bringing the baby with me, which means that I'm not getting much work done these days (not complaining, LOVING IT!).

I'm hoping to start blogging regularly again soon, but we shall see. Love to all of you!!

I Was Worried, And So I Owned It

After reading Sienna's comment on my last post I recalled that when she was pregnant she could of cared less if they wrote "CRAZY!!!!" all over her file in red ink. If she was worried, then somebody had better do something to reassure her or she would unleash her wrath upon them! And so I decided that yes, I was worried, and that I was going to own it, not deny it. So I called as soon as they opened this morning and told the receptionist that I wanted to come in today to be reassured that everything was okay. The receptionist did not tell me that I could take my crazy elsewhere. He told me, "I have a 9:30 and a 10:00." I said I could be there by 10 and the husband and I hopped on the subway. In the waiting room the little guy started kicking up a storm and so I already started to feel better. They did an ultrasound and the doctor said everything looked great and we could see him moving around. We listened to the heartbeat and it was nice and fast: in the 140s and 150s, and didn't drop down below that at all.

I was reassured. And happy. I just want to this little baby so much.

She also told me that I'd passed my 1 hour glucose challenge test, and that my iron was lower now than before I started taking prescription iron supplements (although I've skipped a few days here and there, so I will be taking them religiously from now on).

And congrats to S at Misconceptions About Conception on her long awaited BFP!

Worry: The Saga Continues

I had my 24 week OB appointment on Friday. I was feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing: we weren't going to be having an ultrasound and it was with a doctor that I had met before and liked (there are several doctors in the practice I go to), so I wasn't worried about either of those things. I knew we were going to get to listen to the heartbeat again, but I didn't have any worries there because I've been feeling him moving so I was confident we would hear it just fine.

But it's always something you don't anticipate.

She put the wand to my stomach and there was the heartbeat, nice and fast. And then it slowed down. Way down. I thought maybe she was picking up my heartbeat instead. She moved the wand slightly and after a few more seconds the heartbeat sped up again. And then it slowed down again, and stayed slow for probably 10 seconds or so. Then it sped back up. I started to get a little freaked out. I asked if this was something we needed to worry about. She said that no, as long as it sped back up, it was nothing to worry about. She said it was probably the baby just grasping and squeezing his umbilical cord. Not a big deal.

At the time I accepted that this was nothing to worry about. An hour later, upon reflection, I started freaking out. I went home and laid down on the couch and put on some music. Usually he would be very active in that situation, but he was quiet. For about an hour and a half he was quiet, and then I felt some soft movements. After I ate that night he moved around a little bit, but he was quiet through the night and into the next morning, even after breakfast and apple juice. That's when I called the after hours line (this was Saturday morning). I was instructed to drink a tall glass of cold water and lay on my left side for an hour and see what happened. This did in fact perk him up, and when the nurse called back I was more calm. But for the rest of this weekend he's just seemed quieter than usual. Also, at our 20 week anatomy scan, the umbilical cord was around his neck. The u/s technician seemed unconcerned at the time, and I tried not to worry about it because I continued to feel him moving, but now I can't help but wonder if the heart rate decelerations have something to do with that.

I can't figure out if I'm worrying unnecessarily or not. My worry compass is officially all screwed up. I would like to call tomorrow morning and ask if I can come in and hear the heart rate again, and if it's still slowing down, get an ultrasound, but is that crazy?

I googled the heck out of this, trying to find someone who had the same experience and was (hopefully) reassured by her doctor, but came up empty. Has this happened to anyone?

Should I be worried?

Don't Worry, Buy Baby Stuff

After our first IVF failed, I began to feel more and more like I would never get pregnant, never have a baby. Yet all I ever thought about was getting pregnant and having a baby. And I wanted to be able to look at baby clothes and cribs, and I wanted to talk about baby names. And as I thought more and more about it, I realized that plenty of couples talk about baby names before they get pregnant. Some even talk about baby names before they're even trying to get pregnant. There was no reason that my husband and I couldn't talk about baby names. And, additionally, I realized that if we came out of our TTC struggle without a baby, and if we gave up trying, and if we decided to live childfree, then at that point we probably wouldn't be able to talk about baby names anymore. Because that would just be weird.

And so I realized that talking about it then might be our only chance, because while we were still trying, we still could. And I wanted that experience. Even if I never had a baby of my own, I wanted to be able to experience some of the pleasures of hoping for one. So I told my husband that I wanted to talk about baby names, and I told him my reasons. And he thought it was a really bad idea. But I ended up convincing him, and it was a little weird and awkward, but it was kind of fun (and I learned that we have very different tastes in names!).

Now, I am pregnant. And we've been able to talk about baby names now for real. But I still worry sometimes that we are not going to have a take home baby at the end of this. And when, after my 16 week anatomy scan, I decided that I would combat my worry by forcing myself to buy maternity clothes and baby stuff and to at least try to act like a normal pregnant woman, I also realized that buying/looking at baby stuff now is similar to talking about names before we were pregnant. And so I am savoring it and loving it now. I've even started a registry.

(Note to readers: I am considering starting to post again more regularly. After my last update post, in which I was able to express some of the worry I've been feeling, I felt a distinct release of tension. I hadn't been posting because I was afraid that posting about pregnancy would increase my anxiety. But I may have been mistaken. So I think I may come back on a trial basis and see how it goes. Of course I am going to try to start doing some commenting again, too!)

An Update, Somewhat Belated

Since it's been so long, I suppose bullet points are in order:

• I am 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant today.
• It's a boy!
• Everything has been going well (yes, it's difficult to write that without feeling like I'm jinxing it).
• After my 16 week OB appointment and anatomy scan I decided that it was time to stop worrying. I thought a good first step was to: A) stop saying "hopefully" in the sentence "When we, hopefully, have a baby in October"; B) start actually letting myself buy maternity clothes and baby stuff; C) stop talking about how worried I was feeling. Although I accomplished those 3 things, on the inside I still worry. It just still feels so surreal to be pregnant. I'm actually thinking about going back to my therapist to specifically try to address this. I know it's normal to worry about your baby/child, but I don't think it's normal to constantly worry that your baby/child is going to die at any moment, and I'm starting to feel like this extreme worry is not going to go away even after I have a real live take home baby in my arms.
• It is especially painful to me that I still have bloggers in my reader under the "still waiting for their miracles" category. I know how it feels to still be trying and to read blogs of those who have succeeded in getting pregnant. It hurts. I hope that those who are still trying who are reading this can take some comfort in the fact that I never thought I would be here, and yet I am. It will happen for you, too!
• Thank you everyone for all the support you've given me over the last year and change. (And thanks babybaker for checking in on me! Sorry it took so long for an update!) This is such a hard road to walk. It's still hard for me, which I know must seem ridiculous.
  

Heart vs. Brain: Or How I Soldiered on After Losing All Hope

I put hopeful in the name of my blog because when we started this journey that's how I felt. Or, possibly, that's how I wanted to feel. Either way, hope and I were still on speaking terms back then. But, somewhere along the way, we had a falling out. Hope and I became estranged, and I convinced myself that I couldn't become pregnant. I even began to tell myself that it was silly for me to have ever even thought that it was a possibility.

Partially this was because when we began TTC back in November 2008 I already had convinced myself that it was not going to happen quickly for us. This was because a) I felt I was already past my fertile prime at 33 (I know, HA!); b) I had been tentatively diagnosed with endometriosis by my OB/GYN and told that getting pregnant might be difficult for me; and c) I had had stomach discomfort for going on 2 years which may have been endo or could have been something else, but either way made me feel broken.

July 2009 we first saw an RE and quickly were assigned to the "unexplained" category, confirming my fears that whatever was wrong with me was so intrinsically wrong that it defied explanation. I quickly came to believe that although IUIs were the proper step to take before IVF, that they would only be a step to cross off our list and would not actually do anything for us. I was right, and this solidified my belief: we were super broken.

I believed that if we were to have any chance at pregnancy, it would be through IVF. I reminded myself over and over again that the majority of women will need more than one IVF to get pregnant, and that if we didn't get pregnant after the first one I should not freak out. But when our first IVF failed, I seriously freaked out. We had pulled out the big guns, and they had done nothing for us.

And that is when my heart broke and all my remaining hope abandoned ship.

I became like a zombie, a shell, a walking talking Jane doll with my heart in a million little pieces inside my chest. And yet, I still had a brain. And my brain was somehow still functioning. And what it was saying to me was,"Most women will need more than one IVF to get pregnant. In fact, for your age group, 80% of women will be pregnant after 3 IVFs. The odds are in your favor. You have to keep trying. Do not give up."

And so, like an automaton, I pushed forward. Not because I thought my second IVF would work (because I didn't) but because my brain was patiently instructing me that, logically, I did in fact still have a chance.

And then it did work. And now I am experiencing some extreme cognitive dissonance. And my heart is only slowly mending.

So, in conclusion, IF is a big fat f-ing bitch.

And to all you out there still battling her, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I believe in you, even if you are having a hard time believing in yourself. Some of you may still have hope, but some of you may be in the same boat as I was: a sinking one. Don't give up. This may be the hardest thing you have to do in your life. I hope it is. Be strong. There are plenty of happy endings in the IF world, and there is one out there waiting for you, I know this with all my (still a little bit broken but slowly mending) heart.

Long Time No Blog!

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted. Um, about 3 months. Wow. Here's what happened: I got seriously down in the dumps. I was not living up to my blog name. I had lost hope. I learned that failing an IVF can really knock you down hard. I was knocked down and was having a hard time getting back up. The only posts I had it in me to write were woe-is-me posts. Whiny, crazy-pants, "WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!" posts. I hate writing those kind of posts. It makes me feel worse when I wallow in my own misery, so I chose to step away from the computer. I also went into therapy, which was a BIG help. We didn't even talk much about infertility, because as it turns out, a lot of what I was going through was a bigger life crisis: Where is my life going? What does it all mean? And what's the f-ing point? My therapist helped me to calm down and to see that although these are important questions, they are not questions that need to be answered today or tomorrow or even in the next year. In essence, she told me to just relax. Ha!

So for the months of November and December I was in therapy, and I was learning to relax, and then I found out that I had been accepted into the IVF study in Philly starting early January. Although tempted to blog about my 2nd IVF, I just couldn't. I had found a new peace that I was so afraid would be shattered if I went back to the daily detailing of every blood draw and ultrasound, examining every number for hope or the dashing of hope.

Instead I approached it like it was a mini-vacation (I stayed at a hotel down there for about half the time). I had to get up early and show up for my daily wanding, but otherwise I didn't let it occupy my mind at all. It was... dare I say it... relaxing. Snowy. But a nice break from my routine.

About 8 days past my retrieval (5dp3dt) I started getting cramping like my period was going to start. It was early for that and I started to think that I was either going to get my period early or that my body had found a new way to be broken. After 4 days of the cramps getting worse and worse I broke down and bought HPTs.

This is what I saw at 9dp3dt:

You can barely see it but yes, there is a 2nd line.

Yesterday we went in for our beta (15dp3dt): 785.

It's weird for me to write this but it looks like we're pregnant.

I had honestly convinced myself that it couldn't happen.

I am of course nervous because it's still early, but I didn't want to keep this from all of you, who have been such an amazing support system for me for over a year now, any longer.

So, am I back to blogging? I don't know... Any big events that happen I will post about because you guys deserve to know. But other than that I may continue to be quiet for a while. Or maybe not! I'm just not sure yet.

Finally, I'd like to extend a big heartfelt congratulations to these ladies who have just gotten their BFPs, too:

A at Remember All the Way (approx. 4 weeks 8 days today)

Erika at Pollination Chronicles (approx. 4 weeks 5 days today)

Secret Sloper at Park Slope Purgatory (approx. 4 weeks 6 days today)

Nicole at Lesbo Parents to Be (approx. 4 weeks 2 days today)

Finally a Post About Canoeing and Gender Roles!

I don't like feeling sorry for myself. Except when I'm feeling sorry for myself and then I'm pretty much okay with it. But I need to stop writing posts only while I'm feeling that way, cuz they're just depressing. So here's a post on a completely different topic.

So, I love that TV show about the Dug.gars. You know the one. (*cough* 19 K.ids and C.ounting *cough*) I understand that there may be some controversy over the fact that they have so many children. But I say they've got a good thing going and they know it. So good for them.

And I love Michelle. If/when I am ever a mom, I would hope that I can be just like her (except with a tad bit more personality, I mean, does she have any interests outside of her family and God?). She never yells at her kids. Ever. She gently asks them to do the right thing, or she takes them aside and talks quietly with them about their behavior. She follows the "praise in public, criticize in private" motto. Love. Her.

Okay, so why am I writing about the Dug.gars? Well, I was watching a show yesterday in the midst of feeling sorry for myself (you'd think this show would be depressing to me, what with all that fertility running around, but it actually makes me smile), and something in particular irked me. Now this is not to be a criticism of the Dug.gars specifically (like I said, I love those guys), but of our gender-roled society (I know, finally, the post you've been waiting for!).

What happened on the show was that Jim Bob decided to go on a father/son canoe trip with a few of his sons. They showed an interview with him where he was talking about how important it is to spend time with your children and how important his sons are to him, and then they showed the canoe trip: camping, setting up tents, finding spiders under rocks, canoeing down the river. And all I could think was that if I was a Dug.gar girl, I would have been so insanely jealous.

This episode reminded me of the time, when I was about 7, that my dad and brother, along with his boy scout troop, went to a baseball game. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to go with them to this baseball game. And I asked to go. I BEGGED to go. And I was told that it was only for boys. And I was so sad. And you know what? To this day I have never been to a baseball game with my dad.

On another episode of the show that I watched yesterday (okay, yes, I watched more than one episode, maybe even more than two...), Michelle talked about how the little girls liked to play with dolls and the little boys liked to play with trucks. And then she mentioned that little Johanna also liked to play with trucks. Now, I don't think the Dug.gars, although they are a conservative family, force their boys and girls into gender roles on purpose. And I don't think that they would, for example, take away Johanna's trucks just because she's a girl. But I bet that if Johanna were old enough to want to go on that canoe trip, and if she had asked to go, she would have been told that it was for boys only. And then what would she have done? Wait for the mother/daughter canoe trip? And would it have really spoiled the father/son bonding if a daughter who had an interest in canoeing had come along?

I suppose I continue to harbor resentment over being denied that baseball game (okay, yes, it's true!). But when I was a kid I was so often jealous of what the boys got to do.

So, to all of you mothers and mothers-someday out there, don't gender segregate your children: let your children participate in the activities they want to participate in regardless of their gender!

(Oh, and I've been canoeing with my dad a bunch, so I guess it's not like I was denied everything!)

Did any of you ladies out there feel left out of activities because of your gender?

Or does anyone disagree with me and think that boys and girls should participate in separate activities? (Or think that that Dug.gars have way too many kids?)

BREAKING NEWS: Infertile Woman Not Pregnant

I'm not pregnant.

I know, this should not come as a shock to me after 22 failed cycles. And yet every month I entertain the notion that I could be pregnant, and then I start to be convinced that I am pregnant, even though I know I'm not pregnant.

And I'm never pregnant.

I've never been pregnant, not even once over these 2 years, not after 4 IUIs, not after IVF, not after spending upwards of $16,000. Not once.

I've never seen a positive pregnancy test.

And it feels so idiotic for us to keep throwing (all of our) money at this thing when clearly I CANNOT GET PREGNANT. But without a clear diagnosis, it's easy to hold on to a glimmer of hope, to even consider that maybe there's nothing wrong with me (us) at all, that our timing has just been off and we just need to keep trying.

Sometimes it feels like hope is my enemy.

Jane Says Relax

I wanted to get to this before I put it off any longer. I promised you a review of Circle + Bloom's IVF/IUI program, and so here it is.

(Before I begin, I should clarify that I paid out of my own pocket for the IVF/IUI program, I am not affiliated in any way with Circle + Bloom, and was not paid for this review.)

I first heard about Circle + Bloom through Jin's blog, The Truth is Out There. Jin at the time was trying naturally, after doing several clomid cycles. Pretty much 2 weeks after she mentioned on her blog that she was using Circle + Bloom's "Natural Cycle Fertility Program," she announced her BFP.

Hmmmm.... I thought to myself.

That was back in March. In July, Self published an article called "Breaking the Silence on Infertility." In that article I noticed some interesting information in this paragraph:

In a small study of 97 Boston IVF patients younger than 40, women who had participated in 5 to 10 mind/body sessions were 160 percent more likely to get pregnant after a single IVF cycle. And more than two thirds of women with a clinical diagnosis of depression got pregnant after these sessions, whereas none of the depressed women in the control group conceived. The meetings teach relaxation techniques to ease anxiety and cognitive-behavioral strategies to fight depression. "These results can absolutely be replicated," Domar says. "Isolating oneself during fertility treatment is not helpful to getting pregnant."

Hmmmm.... I thought to myself.

On July 17th, when I got my period, and my 4 last-ditch natural cycles before embarking on IVF were over, it was time to get the IVF show on the road.

One month later, on CD1 of my IVF cycle, I purchased the Circle + Bloom IVF/IUI Program. The program comes with 3 sessions to listen to pre-cycle, so I missed out on those (although I listened to 2 of them in addition to the ones I was supposed to be listening to).

So here's how the program works: There are 18 "sessions" total, 3 for pre-IVF; then one every 2 days (so one session for cycle days 1 +2, one for cycles days 3 +4, etc.); one for trigger/retrieval; one for the cycle days in between retrieval and transfer; one for transfer (IVF)/insemination (IUI); and then one every 2 days for the 2ww. Each session is 13 to 19 minutes long.

The sessions start by asking you to take several deep breaths, and then use several different techniques for relaxation. The most common relaxation techniques used are: 1) asking you to concentrate on relaxing each separate part of your body (toes, feet, ankles, calves, knees, etc.); and 2) asking you to imagine that you are in a warm bath, and then imagine each separate body part as it is soothed by the warm water. I found these relaxation techniques to be effective, especially the more sessions I did.

In the second half of each session, once you are very relaxed, you are asked to think positive thoughts specifically related to the part of the cycle you're in. So, during stims, you are asked to visualize your follicles growing and responding well to the meds. In the 2ww, you are asked to visualize the embryos implanting and growing. I found it very therapeutic to lie there in a relaxed state and think these good thoughts about my body and my cycle.

The only 2 complaints I have are that: 1) the woman whose voice you hear is, I believe, the founder of the company, and I'm not sure she has the best voice for relaxation; and 2) although mostly the descriptions used of the various things going on in the cycle were extremely accurate, when talking about the embryo implanting, it was often referred to as "the egg" implanting, and this bothered me a bit, but I have to give them credit that they got things mostly right.

Also, I was a bit worried, since this was an IVF/IUI program, that it would be too geared toward IUI, or try too hard to be totally fair to both IUI and IVF and end up just being confusing. But, if anything, this is actually more geared towards IVF than IUI, although not in a way that I would recommend against it for those undergoing IUI.

So, in summary, I feel that my $59 was well spent. Except for the fact that I didn't get my BFP. I guess that would have been the ultimate recommendation. But I do plan on using it on any future IVF cycles I may have.

And speaking of future IVF cycles, we are getting, little by little, closer to being accepted into this IVF study. We went down to Philadelphia for the first time in the 2ww of our IVF cycle for our initial consultation, then I went back a second time on CD3 after our IVF BFN for an ultrasound and bloodwork (which was considered "testing" and thus not part of the study, so I had to pay for); and then DH and I went back last week (my 3rd time, his 2nd) for a genetic consultation and IVF nursing consult. Now, we just wait for my next period, and then I'll go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork and THEN they will FINALLY submit our paperwork to the study and I will find out a couple weeks after that if I've been accepted into the study. If I am accepted, I'll start stims at my next period, so about a month and a half from now. Oh, and I've found out that they don't do any suppression before the start of stims: no lupron, no BCPs, nothing. This seems weird to me, and I assume it will mean that I end up having a lower response to the stims.

I also want to mention that if anyone reading this is interested in participating in an IVF study, you can go to www.clinicaltrials.gov and search for "IVF" and then, in the refine search tab, limit the studies shown by state to find studies in your area.

Oh, and I finally ovulated, it looks like, yesterday. Cycle day 25 for those not following my cycle obsessively. This is 4 days later than my last latest ovulation, and 9 days later than my average ovulation (average is CD 16, according to Fertility Friend). I was getting a bit worried, but I guess this is somewhat normal the first cycle after IVF. We had "relations" at optimal times and I am now hoping for a miracle, between IVF cycles, BFP. I am not, however, holding my breath on that one.

Off the Deep End

I'm having a hard time.

I've constructed a fantasy world where I'm happy. I described it to my husband and now I can't stop talking about it. In this fantasy world we have twins. We live in the country and grow all our own food, and we have chickens and goats. I sell the extra produce at the local farmers market on the weekend, and I'm a freelance food writer (I know, what?!). I'm still trying to figure out what my husband does in this fantasy world. I've tried getting him to play along but he's not into it. Probably because IT'S CRAZY. But right now it's the only thing that's keeping me going, the idea that maybe this fantasy could be my life someday, instead of infertility and my current soul-sucking job.

My reality:

I wanted my WTF appointment to have its own post, but there's not that much to say. My RE wants to change the way I'm stimmed - he thinks I was slightly over-stimmed and triggered a bit late, and that could account for the poor embryo quality, and he wants to do ICSI to hopefully improve fertilization. I think he might be right and he might be wrong and the only way to find out is to spend another $12,000.

We decided we'd try naturally this month, not because I have any hope of it working, but because not trying, even for one cycle, is just too much like giving up. But I'm now on CD 18 and I'm tired of the OPKs and taking my temperature and just want this cycle to be over. I want TTC to be over. I'm so done with it.

Next month will be 2 years of trying, but it feels like much much longer.

Happy Blogoversary to Me

My first blog post was one year ago today. Some highlights from my first post:

"My hope is that I will not have this blog very long. That doesn't jinx it does it?" Guess I jinxed it.

"My husband and I have bee TTC for 10 months. I'm 34 and he's 49." Depressing.

"...it's already taken longer than I'd hoped..." Um, yeah.

"Besides my husband no one else knows we're trying." I've told one person now, but I've started thinking I'm going to tell my parents, too.

"We still don't know if there is anything actually wrong with us." Still don't know. Ugh.

"Go for beta tomorrow..." Tomorrow I have my post-IVF WTF appointment.

Happy blogoversary to me.

Of Two Minds

Are we closer than we've ever been? Or farther away? Are we getting the answers that will lead us to success? Or the answers that will shut down any hope we have left? Is this a labor of love? Or an exercise in futility? Should we keep fighting the good fight? Or throw in the towel?

I am more resolved than ever, and I have more doubts than ever.

I am ready to bankrupt myself, and I shudder to think of all the money we've already spent.

I am a woman possessed, and I am a woman afraid.

"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis

"When the horse is dead, get off." ~Author Unknown

BFN

It was better getting the news from my husband than from a nurse.

B-Day

It's b-day, ladies. No, not the birthday kind of b-day, the beta kind of b-day.

I've had my blood drawn and they will be calling my husband with the results. This is the first time we're doing it that way, and I'm hoping that it will soften the blow of what I know is the inevitable outcome of this cycle. I tested twice yesterday (13dpo) - nothing. So, yes, I am hoping for a miracle, but not expecting one.

Although the early testing started out kind of rough (the problem is at 10dpo if you're going to get a line at all, it's going to be light, so I was WAY over-scrutinizing that stupid test), I'm now glad that I did. If I hadn't, I would still be filled with hope right now, and that phone call would be such a crushing blow. But instead, I'm feeling mentally prepared. Although I will probably cry anyway.

The good news is that we DID get some answers this cycle. A lower than average percentage of my eggs fertilized, and my embryos were slow growers. Hopefully my RE will have some good suggestions on how to improve both of these things for our next cycle. I am also considering getting a 2nd opinion from another RE just to see if they have a different take on things before we sink more big money into a cycle.

Of course, before we do another cycle with my current RE, we're hoping to do that IVF study in Philly. So, currently my mind is hopeful for the future, which is where I want it to be. I already went through all the woe-is-me stuff over the weekend, so that's over with, and I now feel... optimistic? Maybe not. But hopeful, yes.

(Although there may be more woe-is-me to come after I get the call. It's funny how sometimes I'm surprised by the fact that I was secretly still holding on to so much hope when I thought I'd moved on from it. So stay tuned!)

September 11, 2010

I know it's been 9 years, but I still want to recognize the significance of this day and take time out from my small concerns to pay tribute to those whose lives were lost. I was here in NYC on that day, and I will never forget.

And the Results Are... Still Inconclusive

Same result this morning: a shadow that turns into a very thin blue line after the point when you're not supposed to read it anymore.

I am going to assume this means nothing.

Now I know the dangers of testing early.

Confidence Evaporating

I have now become convinced that what I saw was an evaporation line. I've never seen ANY sort of line on a test before, so seeing the barest hint of a line this morning made quite an impression on me, but I've also never used this brand before. So, I did a little research and it turns out the blue dye tests are notorious for showing evap lines. Apparently, the thing to look for is color, and if the line you see is at all blue, it's positive, but if it looks like a shadow, then it is most likely not positive. What I saw was a shadow. Like I said, it just looked like I could see where the line would be if there had been a line. The picture below is NOT mine, but the brand of test I took looks similar to this one (the line I got was much MUCH fainter than in the picture below):



So at this point I am going to just assume it was negative, but if anyone has more experience with HPTs than me (I've never been much of a POASer), please let me know what you think.

So I Tested This Morning And...

Today is 7dp3dt or 10 dpo. I decided it was time to start testing, but felt pretty sure that I would get a negative today as it was still early. After 2 minutes, the test looked pretty negative, but then I thought I saw something, so I took it out of the bathroom and held it under my desk light. What I saw was this: If there had been a second line, I could see where that second line would be. It was like a hint of a shadow. My husband confirmed that he saw something, too. After 20 minutes, I could actually see a VERY thin sliver of a second line, but obviously you're not supposed to read it after 20 minutes. It is also still early enough that perhaps there is still hcg left over from the trigger, I suppose (I did not test out my trigger).

So, I'm hoping, of course, that tomorrow's test will be darker.

But I'm very afraid tomorrow's test will be either starkly negative, or, perhaps worse (for its inconclusiveness) exactly the same as today.

Can't stop thinking about it.

Must.

Get.

Back.

To.

Work.

Hope, More Hope, and a Funny Story

Ah, the dangers of over confidence.

First, let me say that obviously I was being a little melodramatic in my last post. I have not lost hope. Well, not all hope. Maybe a little hope.

But I've thought about it and I think I've figured out what my problem is. Over confidence. It's getting one's hopes up (which as you may know I try not to do), but with more hubris.

You see, I had convinced myself that I would (of course!) make top notch embryos. What I fully expected was that we would tranfer 2 grade-A blasts on day 5 and then, 9 days later, have a starkly negative beta. And so we would still have no answers. Because I was getting used to not having any answers. That seemed to be the way OUR infertility worked: on paper we're perfect but in reality it's like pregnancy is some fairytale that only exists for other people. So, I came out of the retrieval thinking that I knew what was coming, that it was all following some pre-ordained path and I felt secure in my confidence that our embryos would be stellar but that we STILL wouldn't get pregnant.

So, really, this is GOOD news. We have an answer, or at least a partial answer. And I'm sure there are things that we can do to try to improve the situation. DH is finally taking his multi-vitamins every day, for example (why is it so hard to get men to take their vitamins, sheesh!). So, I haven't given up hope on this cycle and I haven't given up hope on us.

And thank you for all of your kind comments talking me off the ledge. They were what I needed to hear, and you guys are [sniff] awesome.

On to new news.

Speaking of not giving up hope, we had an appointment at a clinic in Philadelphia today to see about being part of an IVF study (free IVF!). If you haven't heard about this study, I recommend looking into it. Here is a link to a description of the study at clinicaltrials.gov. The study is being conducted at clinics in the following cities (this list is from the above web page, but is obviously not comprehensive since the Philadelphia site is not listed there):

• Encino, California, United States, 91436
• Irvine, California, United States, 92604
• Miami, Florida, United States, 33176
• Tampa, Florida, United States, 33617
• Kailua, Hawaii, United States, 96734
• Chicago, Illinois, United States, 60610
• Hoffman Estates, Illinois, United States, 60194
• Waltham, Massachusetts, United States, 02451
• Las Vegas, Nevada, United States, 89117
• Charlotte, North Carolina, United States, 28207
• Cincinnati, Ohio, United States, 45209
• Memphis, Tennessee, United States, 38120
• Bedford, Texas, United States, 76022
• Webster, Texas, United States, 77598

The following criteria must be met in order to qualify:

Ages Eligible for Study: 35 Years to 42 Years
Genders Eligible for Study: Female
Accepts Healthy Volunteers: No

Criteria

Inclusion Criteria:
•Willing and able to provide written informed consent for trial P06029 as well as for the Frozen-Thawed Embryo Transfer (FTET) follow-up trial P06031, and for the pharmacogenetic analysis (if applicable).
•Female and >=35 to <=42 years of age with indication for COS and IVF/ICSI.
•Body weight ≥50.0 kg, BMI >=18.0 to <=32.0 kg/m2.
•Regular spontaneous menstrual cycle with variation not outside the 24-35 days.
•Ejaculatory sperm must be available (donated and/or cryopreserved sperm is allowed).
•Results of clinical laboratory tests, cervical smear, physical examination within normal limits or clinically acceptable to the investigator.
•Adhere to trial schedule.

Exclusion Criteria:
•A recent history of/or any current endocrine abnormality.
•A history of ovarian hyper-response or ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.
•A history of/or current polycystic ovary syndrome.
•More than 20 basal antral follicles <11 mm (both ovaries combined) in the early follicular phase.
•Less than 2 ovaries or any other ovarian abnormality.
•Unilateral or bilateral hydrosalpinx.
•Intrauterine fibroids ≥5 cm or any clinically relevant pathology, which could impair embryo implantation or pregnancy continuation.
•More than three unsuccessful COS cycles for IVF/ICSI since the last established ongoing pregnancy (if applicable).
•A history of non- or low ovarian response to FSH/hMG treatment.
•A history of recurrent miscarriage.
•FSH >15.0 IU/L or LH >12.0 IU/L during the early follicular phase.
•Positive for HIV or Hepatitis B.
•Contraindications for the use of gonadotropins or GnRH antagonists.
•A recent history of/or current epilepsy, thrombophilia, diabetes, cardiovascular, gastro-intestinal, hepatic, renal or pulmonary or auto-immune disease requiring regular treatment.
•Smoking or recently stopped smoking (ie, within the last 3 months prior to signing informed consent).
•A recent history or presence of alcohol or drug abuse.
•The subject or the sperm donor has known gene defects, genetic abnormalities, or abnormal karyotyping, relevant for the current indication or for the health of the offspring.
•Prior or concomitant medications disallowed by protocol.

The study is pretty ho-hum: they are testing a new stimulation drug that is very similar to follistim/gonal-f but is long lasting so that for the first 5 days of stims you only have to do one injection. The drug is already approved in Europe.

We of course hope that we are going to get good news on Monday (beta day) and won't ever have to go back to the clinic in Philly. But, I'm, well, hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, as they say.

Finally, a funny story that I wanted to share a couple weeks ago when it happened but got distracted by, you know, life, and didn't get to it until now.

(This story is only funny in hindsight. At the time, well, I cried, people. I did.)

So the story starts with me leaving my husband's laundry in the backseat of our car. Thinking that I would just bring it in later, I went about my business. A couple hours go by and I go out to the store. As I walk past the car on my way home I notice that the driver's side door is slightly ajar. As I get closer I notice the door is unlocked, and I know I didn't leave it unlocked. I look into the back seat and my husband's laundry is missing. That's right, someone stole my husband's laundry! So, I notice that my neighbor is outside in front of his house, so I ask him if he saw anything. He tells me no and then proceeds to talk my ear off about who knows what and in the middle of this conversation I lean down to pet his dog and the dog bites my hand! I feel so embarrassed about it that I don't even look at my hand to see if I'm bleeding because I don't want my neighbor to feel bad, so now I'm standing there, worried about buying all new clothes for my husband, my hand throbbing, and then, the cherry on top: my neighbor asks me when we're going to have kids.

Ba-dum-ching!

(my hand turned out to be fine, we went out and spent $300 the next day getting DH new clothes, and I told my neighbor "oh, I don't know, maybe someday.")