TTC Hopeful

Hello World!

2011-12-30T13:40:00.004-05:00

I'm pretty sure that I'm obligated to start this post by saying what a terrible blogger I am. I'm the worst. Sorry.

I gave birth to a healthy beautiful 9lb. 4oz. baby boy on October 14th. I am beyond happy. And I still can't quite believe it really happened, that I really became a mother. Every day I ask myself whether it's all a dream.

I didn't blog while I was pregnant because I knew that so many of my followers were still waiting for their BFPs. I couldn't figure out how to blog in a way that felt sensitive to them. I remember so well how it feels to read pregnancy posts when you're feeling like your time will never come. I am so overjoyed that in the last year so many of you finally got knocked up: Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream, S at Misconceptions About Conception, Misfit at Misfit Mrs., Jill at Infertility Unexplained, Jay at Stuck in a Baby Drought, Hillary at Making Me Mom, Crossing My Fingers at Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs, Gurlee at Infertility Musings, Chon at My Path to Insanity and Beyond, and Francie at Yet Another Infertility Blog. I am beyond saddened to know that many of you are still waiting: CGD at Adventures in Infertility-Land, Kim at The A.R.T. of Babymaking, Raising Cain at Raising Cain (Someday), and Brave IVF Girl at Braving IVF. (If I've forgotten anyone, loyal followers, I'm sorry!)

I haven't blogged since giving birth, because, well, taking care of a baby is TIME CONSUMING! And, I don't have a (working) computer at home. So my only time to blog is while at work, and I've been bringing the baby with me, which means that I'm not getting much work done these days (not complaining, LOVING IT!).

I'm hoping to start blogging regularly again soon, but we shall see. Love to all of you!!

I Was Worried, And So I Owned It

2011-06-20T13:35:00.004-04:00

After reading Sienna's comment on my last post I recalled that when she was pregnant she could of cared less if they wrote "CRAZY!!!!" all over her file in red ink. If she was worried, then somebody had better do something to reassure her or she would unleash her wrath upon them! And so I decided that yes, I was worried, and that I was going to own it, not deny it. So I called as soon as they opened this morning and told the receptionist that I wanted to come in today to be reassured that everything was okay. The receptionist did not tell me that I could take my crazy elsewhere. He told me, "I have a 9:30 and a 10:00." I said I could be there by 10 and the husband and I hopped on the subway. In the waiting room the little guy started kicking up a storm and so I already started to feel better. They did an ultrasound and the doctor said everything looked great and we could see him moving around. We listened to the heartbeat and it was nice and fast: in the 140s and 150s, and didn't drop down below that at all.

I was reassured. And happy. I just want to this little baby so much.

She also told me that I'd passed my 1 hour glucose challenge test, and that my iron was lower now than before I started taking prescription iron supplements (although I've skipped a few days here and there, so I will be taking them religiously from now on).

And congrats to S at Misconceptions About Conception on her long awaited BFP!

Worry: The Saga Continues

2011-06-19T19:21:00.003-04:00

I had my 24 week OB appointment on Friday. I was feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing: we weren't going to be having an ultrasound and it was with a doctor that I had met before and liked (there are several doctors in the practice I go to), so I wasn't worried about either of those things. I knew we were going to get to listen to the heartbeat again, but I didn't have any worries there because I've been feeling him moving so I was confident we would hear it just fine.

But it's always something you don't anticipate.

She put the wand to my stomach and there was the heartbeat, nice and fast. And then it slowed down. Way down. I thought maybe she was picking up my heartbeat instead. She moved the wand slightly and after a few more seconds the heartbeat sped up again. And then it slowed down again, and stayed slow for probably 10 seconds or so. Then it sped back up. I started to get a little freaked out. I asked if this was something we needed to worry about. She said that no, as long as it sped back up, it was nothing to worry about. She said it was probably the baby just grasping and squeezing his umbilical cord. Not a big deal.

At the time I accepted that this was nothing to worry about. An hour later, upon reflection, I started freaking out. I went home and laid down on the couch and put on some music. Usually he would be very active in that situation, but he was quiet. For about an hour and a half he was quiet, and then I felt some soft movements. After I ate that night he moved around a little bit, but he was quiet through the night and into the next morning, even after breakfast and apple juice. That's when I called the after hours line (this was Saturday morning). I was instructed to drink a tall glass of cold water and lay on my left side for an hour and see what happened. This did in fact perk him up, and when the nurse called back I was more calm. But for the rest of this weekend he's just seemed quieter than usual. Also, at our 20 week anatomy scan, the umbilical cord was around his neck. The u/s technician seemed unconcerned at the time, and I tried not to worry about it because I continued to feel him moving, but now I can't help but wonder if the heart rate decelerations have something to do with that.

I can't figure out if I'm worrying unnecessarily or not. My worry compass is officially all screwed up. I would like to call tomorrow morning and ask if I can come in and hear the heart rate again, and if it's still slowing down, get an ultrasound, but is that crazy?

I googled the heck out of this, trying to find someone who had the same experience and was (hopefully) reassured by her doctor, but came up empty. Has this happened to anyone?

Should I be worried?

Don't Worry, Buy Baby Stuff

2011-06-06T20:32:00.004-04:00

After our first IVF failed, I began to feel more and more like I would never get pregnant, never have a baby. Yet all I ever thought about was getting pregnant and having a baby. And I wanted to be able to look at baby clothes and cribs, and I wanted to talk about baby names. And as I thought more and more about it, I realized that plenty of couples talk about baby names before they get pregnant. Some even talk about baby names before they're even trying to get pregnant. There was no reason that my husband and I couldn't talk about baby names. And, additionally, I realized that if we came out of our TTC struggle without a baby, and if we gave up trying, and if we decided to live childfree, then at that point we probably wouldn't be able to talk about baby names anymore. Because that would just be weird.

And so I realized that talking about it then might be our only chance, because while we were still trying, we still could. And I wanted that experience. Even if I never had a baby of my own, I wanted to be able to experience some of the pleasures of hoping for one. So I told my husband that I wanted to talk about baby names, and I told him my reasons. And he thought it was a really bad idea. But I ended up convincing him, and it was a little weird and awkward, but it was kind of fun (and I learned that we have very different tastes in names!).

Now, I am pregnant. And we've been able to talk about baby names now for real. But I still worry sometimes that we are not going to have a take home baby at the end of this. And when, after my 16 week anatomy scan, I decided that I would combat my worry by forcing myself to buy maternity clothes and baby stuff and to at least try to act like a normal pregnant woman, I also realized that buying/looking at baby stuff now is similar to talking about names before we were pregnant. And so I am savoring it and loving it now. I've even started a registry.

(Note to readers: I am considering starting to post again more regularly. After my last update post, in which I was able to express some of the worry I've been feeling, I felt a distinct release of tension. I hadn't been posting because I was afraid that posting about pregnancy would increase my anxiety. But I may have been mistaken. So I think I may come back on a trial basis and see how it goes. Of course I am going to try to start doing some commenting again, too!)

An Update, Somewhat Belated

2011-05-31T19:56:00.004-04:00

Since it's been so long, I suppose bullet points are in order:

I am 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant today.
It's a boy!
Everything has been going well (yes, it's difficult to write that without feeling like I'm jinxing it).
After my 16 week OB appointment and anatomy scan I decided that it was time to stop worrying. I thought a good first step was to: A) stop saying "hopefully" in the sentence "When we, hopefully, have a baby in October"; B) start actually letting myself buy maternity clothes and baby stuff; C) stop talking about how worried I was feeling. Although I accomplished those 3 things, on the inside I still worry. It just still feels so surreal to be pregnant. I'm actually thinking about going back to my therapist to specifically try to address this. I know it's normal to worry about your baby/child, but I don't think it's normal to constantly worry that your baby/child is going to die at any moment, and I'm starting to feel like this extreme worry is not going to go away even after I have a real live take home baby in my arms.
It is especially painful to me that I still have bloggers in my reader under the "still waiting for their miracles" category. I know how it feels to still be trying and to read blogs of those who have succeeded in getting pregnant. It hurts. I hope that those who are still trying who are reading this can take some comfort in the fact that I never thought I would be here, and yet I am. It will happen for you, too!
Thank you everyone for all the support you've given me over the last year and change. (And thanks babybaker for checking in on me! Sorry it took so long for an update!) This is such a hard road to walk. It's still hard for me, which I know must seem ridiculous.

Heart vs. Brain: Or How I Soldiered on After Losing All Hope

2011-02-26T18:33:00.003-05:00

I put hopeful in the name of my blog because when we started this journey that's how I felt. Or, possibly, that's how I wanted to feel. Either way, hope and I were still on speaking terms back then. But, somewhere along the way, we had a falling out. Hope and I became estranged, and I convinced myself that I couldn't become pregnant. I even began to tell myself that it was silly for me to have ever even thought that it was a possibility.

Partially this was because when we began TTC back in November 2008 I already had convinced myself that it was not going to happen quickly for us. This was because a) I felt I was already past my fertile prime at 33 (I know, HA!); b) I had been tentatively diagnosed with endometriosis by my OB/GYN and told that getting pregnant might be difficult for me; and c) I had had stomach discomfort for going on 2 years which may have been endo or could have been something else, but either way made me feel broken.

July 2009 we first saw an RE and quickly were assigned to the "unexplained" category, confirming my fears that whatever was wrong with me was so intrinsically wrong that it defied explanation. I quickly came to believe that although IUIs were the proper step to take before IVF, that they would only be a step to cross off our list and would not actually do anything for us. I was right, and this solidified my belief: we were super broken.

I believed that if we were to have any chance at pregnancy, it would be through IVF. I reminded myself over and over again that the majority of women will need more than one IVF to get pregnant, and that if we didn't get pregnant after the first one I should not freak out. But when our first IVF failed, I seriously freaked out. We had pulled out the big guns, and they had done nothing for us.

And that is when my heart broke and all my remaining hope abandoned ship.

I became like a zombie, a shell, a walking talking Jane doll with my heart in a million little pieces inside my chest. And yet, I still had a brain. And my brain was somehow still functioning. And what it was saying to me was,"Most women will need more than one IVF to get pregnant. In fact, for your age group, 80% of women will be pregnant after 3 IVFs. The odds are in your favor. You have to keep trying. Do not give up."

And so, like an automaton, I pushed forward. Not because I thought my second IVF would work (because I didn't) but because my brain was patiently instructing me that, logically, I did in fact still have a chance.

And then it did work. And now I am experiencing some extreme cognitive dissonance. And my heart is only slowly mending.

So, in conclusion, IF is a big fat f-ing bitch.

And to all you out there still battling her, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I believe in you, even if you are having a hard time believing in yourself. Some of you may still have hope, but some of you may be in the same boat as I was: a sinking one. Don't give up. This may be the hardest thing you have to do in your life. I hope it is. Be strong. There are plenty of happy endings in the IF world, and there is one out there waiting for you, I know this with all my (still a little bit broken but slowly mending) heart.

Long Time No Blog!

2011-02-02T12:22:00.005-05:00

Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted. Um, about 3 months. Wow. Here's what happened: I got seriously down in the dumps. I was not living up to my blog name. I had lost hope. I learned that failing an IVF can really knock you down hard. I was knocked down and was having a hard time getting back up. The only posts I had it in me to write were woe-is-me posts. Whiny, crazy-pants, "WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!" posts. I hate writing those kind of posts. It makes me feel worse when I wallow in my own misery, so I chose to step away from the computer. I also went into therapy, which was a BIG help. We didn't even talk much about infertility, because as it turns out, a lot of what I was going through was a bigger life crisis: Where is my life going? What does it all mean? And what's the f-ing point? My therapist helped me to calm down and to see that although these are important questions, they are not questions that need to be answered today or tomorrow or even in the next year. In essence, she told me to just relax. Ha!

So for the months of November and December I was in therapy, and I was learning to relax, and then I found out that I had been accepted into the IVF study in Philly starting early January. Although tempted to blog about my 2nd IVF, I just couldn't. I had found a new peace that I was so afraid would be shattered if I went back to the daily detailing of every blood draw and ultrasound, examining every number for hope or the dashing of hope.

Instead I approached it like it was a mini-vacation (I stayed at a hotel down there for about half the time). I had to get up early and show up for my daily wanding, but otherwise I didn't let it occupy my mind at all. It was... dare I say it... relaxing. Snowy. But a nice break from my routine.

About 8 days past my retrieval (5dp3dt) I started getting cramping like my period was going to start. It was early for that and I started to think that I was either going to get my period early or that my body had found a new way to be broken. After 4 days of the cramps getting worse and worse I broke down and bought HPTs.

This is what I saw at 9dp3dt:

You can barely see it but yes, there is a 2nd line.

Yesterday we went in for our beta (15dp3dt): 785.

It's weird for me to write this but it looks like we're pregnant.

I had honestly convinced myself that it couldn't happen.

I am of course nervous because it's still early, but I didn't want to keep this from all of you, who have been such an amazing support system for me for over a year now, any longer.

So, am I back to blogging? I don't know... Any big events that happen I will post about because you guys deserve to know. But other than that I may continue to be quiet for a while. Or maybe not! I'm just not sure yet.

Finally, I'd like to extend a big heartfelt congratulations to these ladies who have just gotten their BFPs, too:

A at Remember All the Way (approx. 4 weeks 8 days today)

Erika at Pollination Chronicles (approx. 4 weeks 5 days today)

Secret Sloper at Park Slope Purgatory (approx. 4 weeks 6 days today)

Nicole at Lesbo Parents to Be (approx. 4 weeks 2 days today)

Finally a Post About Canoeing and Gender Roles!

2010-10-27T09:38:00.002-04:00

I don't like feeling sorry for myself. Except when I'm feeling sorry for myself and then I'm pretty much okay with it. But I need to stop writing posts only while I'm feeling that way, cuz they're just depressing. So here's a post on a completely different topic.

So, I love that TV show about the Dug.gars. You know the one. (*cough* 19 K.ids and C.ounting *cough*) I understand that there may be some controversy over the fact that they have so many children. But I say they've got a good thing going and they know it. So good for them.

And I love Michelle. If/when I am ever a mom, I would hope that I can be just like her (except with a tad bit more personality, I mean, does she have any interests outside of her family and God?). She never yells at her kids. Ever. She gently asks them to do the right thing, or she takes them aside and talks quietly with them about their behavior. She follows the "praise in public, criticize in private" motto. Love. Her.

Okay, so why am I writing about the Dug.gars? Well, I was watching a show yesterday in the midst of feeling sorry for myself (you'd think this show would be depressing to me, what with all that fertility running around, but it actually makes me smile), and something in particular irked me. Now this is not to be a criticism of the Dug.gars specifically (like I said, I love those guys), but of our gender-roled society (I know, finally, the post you've been waiting for!).

What happened on the show was that Jim Bob decided to go on a father/son canoe trip with a few of his sons. They showed an interview with him where he was talking about how important it is to spend time with your children and how important his sons are to him, and then they showed the canoe trip: camping, setting up tents, finding spiders under rocks, canoeing down the river. And all I could think was that if I was a Dug.gar girl, I would have been so insanely jealous.

This episode reminded me of the time, when I was about 7, that my dad and brother, along with his boy scout troop, went to a baseball game. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to go with them to this baseball game. And I asked to go. I BEGGED to go. And I was told that it was only for boys. And I was so sad. And you know what? To this day I have never been to a baseball game with my dad.

On another episode of the show that I watched yesterday (okay, yes, I watched more than one episode, maybe even more than two...), Michelle talked about how the little girls liked to play with dolls and the little boys liked to play with trucks. And then she mentioned that little Johanna also liked to play with trucks. Now, I don't think the Dug.gars, although they are a conservative family, force their boys and girls into gender roles on purpose. And I don't think that they would, for example, take away Johanna's trucks just because she's a girl. But I bet that if Johanna were old enough to want to go on that canoe trip, and if she had asked to go, she would have been told that it was for boys only. And then what would she have done? Wait for the mother/daughter canoe trip? And would it have really spoiled the father/son bonding if a daughter who had an interest in canoeing had come along?

I suppose I continue to harbor resentment over being denied that baseball game (okay, yes, it's true!). But when I was a kid I was so often jealous of what the boys got to do.

So, to all of you mothers and mothers-someday out there, don't gender segregate your children: let your children participate in the activities they want to participate in regardless of their gender!

(Oh, and I've been canoeing with my dad a bunch, so I guess it's not like I was denied everything!)

Did any of you ladies out there feel left out of activities because of your gender?

Or does anyone disagree with me and think that boys and girls should participate in separate activities? (Or think that that Dug.gars have way too many kids?)

BREAKING NEWS: Infertile Woman Not Pregnant

2010-10-26T11:45:00.003-04:00

I'm not pregnant.

I know, this should not come as a shock to me after 22 failed cycles. And yet every month I entertain the notion that I could be pregnant, and then I start to be convinced that I am pregnant, even though I know I'm not pregnant.

And I'm never pregnant.

I've never been pregnant, not even once over these 2 years, not after 4 IUIs, not after IVF, not after spending upwards of $16,000. Not once.

I've never seen a positive pregnancy test.

And it feels so idiotic for us to keep throwing (all of our) money at this thing when clearly I CANNOT GET PREGNANT. But without a clear diagnosis, it's easy to hold on to a glimmer of hope, to even consider that maybe there's nothing wrong with me (us) at all, that our timing has just been off and we just need to keep trying.

Sometimes it feels like hope is my enemy.

Jane Says Relax

2010-10-11T18:41:00.003-04:00

I wanted to get to this before I put it off any longer. I promised you a review of Circle + Bloom's IVF/IUI program, and so here it is.

(Before I begin, I should clarify that I paid out of my own pocket for the IVF/IUI program, I am not affiliated in any way with Circle + Bloom, and was not paid for this review.)

I first heard about Circle + Bloom through Jin's blog, The Truth is Out There. Jin at the time was trying naturally, after doing several clomid cycles. Pretty much 2 weeks after she mentioned on her blog that she was using Circle + Bloom's "Natural Cycle Fertility Program," she announced her BFP.

Hmmmm.... I thought to myself.

That was back in March. In July, Self published an article called "Breaking the Silence on Infertility." In that article I noticed some interesting information in this paragraph:

In a small study of 97 Boston IVF patients younger than 40, women who had participated in 5 to 10 mind/body sessions were 160 percent more likely to get pregnant after a single IVF cycle. And more than two thirds of women with a clinical diagnosis of depression got pregnant after these sessions, whereas none of the depressed women in the control group conceived. The meetings teach relaxation techniques to ease anxiety and cognitive-behavioral strategies to fight depression. "These results can absolutely be replicated," Domar says. "Isolating oneself during fertility treatment is not helpful to getting pregnant."

Hmmmm.... I thought to myself.

On July 17th, when I got my period, and my 4 last-ditch natural cycles before embarking on IVF were over, it was time to get the IVF show on the road.

One month later, on CD1 of my IVF cycle, I purchased the Circle + Bloom IVF/IUI Program. The program comes with 3 sessions to listen to pre-cycle, so I missed out on those (although I listened to 2 of them in addition to the ones I was supposed to be listening to).

So here's how the program works: There are 18 "sessions" total, 3 for pre-IVF; then one every 2 days (so one session for cycle days 1 +2, one for cycles days 3 +4, etc.); one for trigger/retrieval; one for the cycle days in between retrieval and transfer; one for transfer (IVF)/insemination (IUI); and then one every 2 days for the 2ww. Each session is 13 to 19 minutes long.

The sessions start by asking you to take several deep breaths, and then use several different techniques for relaxation. The most common relaxation techniques used are: 1) asking you to concentrate on relaxing each separate part of your body (toes, feet, ankles, calves, knees, etc.); and 2) asking you to imagine that you are in a warm bath, and then imagine each separate body part as it is soothed by the warm water. I found these relaxation techniques to be effective, especially the more sessions I did.

In the second half of each session, once you are very relaxed, you are asked to think positive thoughts specifically related to the part of the cycle you're in. So, during stims, you are asked to visualize your follicles growing and responding well to the meds. In the 2ww, you are asked to visualize the embryos implanting and growing. I found it very therapeutic to lie there in a relaxed state and think these good thoughts about my body and my cycle.

The only 2 complaints I have are that: 1) the woman whose voice you hear is, I believe, the founder of the company, and I'm not sure she has the best voice for relaxation; and 2) although mostly the descriptions used of the various things going on in the cycle were extremely accurate, when talking about the embryo implanting, it was often referred to as "the egg" implanting, and this bothered me a bit, but I have to give them credit that they got things mostly right.

Also, I was a bit worried, since this was an IVF/IUI program, that it would be too geared toward IUI, or try too hard to be totally fair to both IUI and IVF and end up just being confusing. But, if anything, this is actually more geared towards IVF than IUI, although not in a way that I would recommend against it for those undergoing IUI.

So, in summary, I feel that my $59 was well spent. Except for the fact that I didn't get my BFP. I guess that would have been the ultimate recommendation. But I do plan on using it on any future IVF cycles I may have.

And speaking of future IVF cycles, we are getting, little by little, closer to being accepted into this IVF study. We went down to Philadelphia for the first time in the 2ww of our IVF cycle for our initial consultation, then I went back a second time on CD3 after our IVF BFN for an ultrasound and bloodwork (which was considered "testing" and thus not part of the study, so I had to pay for); and then DH and I went back last week (my 3rd time, his 2nd) for a genetic consultation and IVF nursing consult. Now, we just wait for my next period, and then I'll go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork and THEN they will FINALLY submit our paperwork to the study and I will find out a couple weeks after that if I've been accepted into the study. If I am accepted, I'll start stims at my next period, so about a month and a half from now. Oh, and I've found out that they don't do any suppression before the start of stims: no lupron, no BCPs, nothing. This seems weird to me, and I assume it will mean that I end up having a lower response to the stims.

I also want to mention that if anyone reading this is interested in participating in an IVF study, you can go to www.clinicaltrials.gov and search for "IVF" and then, in the refine search tab, limit the studies shown by state to find studies in your area.

Oh, and I finally ovulated, it looks like, yesterday. Cycle day 25 for those not following my cycle obsessively. This is 4 days later than my last latest ovulation, and 9 days later than my average ovulation (average is CD 16, according to Fertility Friend). I was getting a bit worried, but I guess this is somewhat normal the first cycle after IVF. We had "relations" at optimal times and I am now hoping for a miracle, between IVF cycles, BFP. I am not, however, holding my breath on that one.

Off the Deep End

2010-10-03T15:41:00.002-04:00

I'm having a hard time.

I've constructed a fantasy world where I'm happy. I described it to my husband and now I can't stop talking about it. In this fantasy world we have twins. We live in the country and grow all our own food, and we have chickens and goats. I sell the extra produce at the local farmers market on the weekend, and I'm a freelance food writer (I know, what?!). I'm still trying to figure out what my husband does in this fantasy world. I've tried getting him to play along but he's not into it. Probably because IT'S CRAZY. But right now it's the only thing that's keeping me going, the idea that maybe this fantasy could be my life someday, instead of infertility and my current soul-sucking job.

My reality:

I wanted my WTF appointment to have its own post, but there's not that much to say. My RE wants to change the way I'm stimmed - he thinks I was slightly over-stimmed and triggered a bit late, and that could account for the poor embryo quality, and he wants to do ICSI to hopefully improve fertilization. I think he might be right and he might be wrong and the only way to find out is to spend another $12,000.

We decided we'd try naturally this month, not because I have any hope of it working, but because not trying, even for one cycle, is just too much like giving up. But I'm now on CD 18 and I'm tired of the OPKs and taking my temperature and just want this cycle to be over. I want TTC to be over. I'm so done with it.

Next month will be 2 years of trying, but it feels like much much longer.

Happy Blogoversary to Me

2010-09-27T23:46:00.002-04:00

My first blog post was one year ago today. Some highlights from my first post:

"My hope is that I will not have this blog very long. That doesn't jinx it does it?" Guess I jinxed it.

"My husband and I have bee TTC for 10 months. I'm 34 and he's 49." Depressing.

"...it's already taken longer than I'd hoped..." Um, yeah.

"Besides my husband no one else knows we're trying." I've told one person now, but I've started thinking I'm going to tell my parents, too.

"We still don't know if there is anything actually wrong with us." Still don't know. Ugh.

"Go for beta tomorrow..." Tomorrow I have my post-IVF WTF appointment.

Happy blogoversary to me.

Of Two Minds

2010-09-18T19:12:00.003-04:00

Are we closer than we've ever been? Or farther away? Are we getting the answers that will lead us to success? Or the answers that will shut down any hope we have left? Is this a labor of love? Or an exercise in futility? Should we keep fighting the good fight? Or throw in the towel?

I am more resolved than ever, and I have more doubts than ever.

I am ready to bankrupt myself, and I shudder to think of all the money we've already spent.

I am a woman possessed, and I am a woman afraid.

"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis

"When the horse is dead, get off." ~Author Unknown

BFN

2010-09-13T12:19:00.000-04:00

It was better getting the news from my husband than from a nurse.

B-Day

2010-09-13T09:54:00.002-04:00

It's b-day, ladies. No, not the birthday kind of b-day, the beta kind of b-day.

I've had my blood drawn and they will be calling my husband with the results. This is the first time we're doing it that way, and I'm hoping that it will soften the blow of what I know is the inevitable outcome of this cycle. I tested twice yesterday (13dpo) - nothing. So, yes, I am hoping for a miracle, but not expecting one.

Although the early testing started out kind of rough (the problem is at 10dpo if you're going to get a line at all, it's going to be light, so I was WAY over-scrutinizing that stupid test), I'm now glad that I did. If I hadn't, I would still be filled with hope right now, and that phone call would be such a crushing blow. But instead, I'm feeling mentally prepared. Although I will probably cry anyway.

The good news is that we DID get some answers this cycle. A lower than average percentage of my eggs fertilized, and my embryos were slow growers. Hopefully my RE will have some good suggestions on how to improve both of these things for our next cycle. I am also considering getting a 2nd opinion from another RE just to see if they have a different take on things before we sink more big money into a cycle.

Of course, before we do another cycle with my current RE, we're hoping to do that IVF study in Philly. So, currently my mind is hopeful for the future, which is where I want it to be. I already went through all the woe-is-me stuff over the weekend, so that's over with, and I now feel... optimistic? Maybe not. But hopeful, yes.

(Although there may be more woe-is-me to come after I get the call. It's funny how sometimes I'm surprised by the fact that I was secretly still holding on to so much hope when I thought I'd moved on from it. So stay tuned!)

September 11, 2010

2010-09-11T11:40:00.002-04:00

I know it's been 9 years, but I still want to recognize the significance of this day and take time out from my small concerns to pay tribute to those whose lives were lost. I was here in NYC on that day, and I will never forget.

And the Results Are... Still Inconclusive

2010-09-10T09:48:00.002-04:00

Same result this morning: a shadow that turns into a very thin blue line after the point when you're not supposed to read it anymore.

I am going to assume this means nothing.

Now I know the dangers of testing early.

Confidence Evaporating

2010-09-09T19:37:00.004-04:00

I have now become convinced that what I saw was an evaporation line. I've never seen ANY sort of line on a test before, so seeing the barest hint of a line this morning made quite an impression on me, but I've also never used this brand before. So, I did a little research and it turns out the blue dye tests are notorious for showing evap lines. Apparently, the thing to look for is color, and if the line you see is at all blue, it's positive, but if it looks like a shadow, then it is most likely not positive. What I saw was a shadow. Like I said, it just looked like I could see where the line would be if there had been a line. The picture below is NOT mine, but the brand of test I took looks similar to this one (the line I got was much MUCH fainter than in the picture below):

So at this point I am going to just assume it was negative, but if anyone has more experience with HPTs than me (I've never been much of a POASer), please let me know what you think.

So I Tested This Morning And...

2010-09-09T14:25:00.002-04:00

Today is 7dp3dt or 10 dpo. I decided it was time to start testing, but felt pretty sure that I would get a negative today as it was still early. After 2 minutes, the test looked pretty negative, but then I thought I saw something, so I took it out of the bathroom and held it under my desk light. What I saw was this: If there had been a second line, I could see where that second line would be. It was like a hint of a shadow. My husband confirmed that he saw something, too. After 20 minutes, I could actually see a VERY thin sliver of a second line, but obviously you're not supposed to read it after 20 minutes. It is also still early enough that perhaps there is still hcg left over from the trigger, I suppose (I did not test out my trigger).

So, I'm hoping, of course, that tomorrow's test will be darker.

But I'm very afraid tomorrow's test will be either starkly negative, or, perhaps worse (for its inconclusiveness) exactly the same as today.

Can't stop thinking about it.

Must.

Get.

Back.

To.

Work.

Hope, More Hope, and a Funny Story

2010-09-08T20:43:00.002-04:00

Ah, the dangers of over confidence.

First, let me say that obviously I was being a little melodramatic in my last post. I have not lost hope. Well, not all hope. Maybe a little hope.

But I've thought about it and I think I've figured out what my problem is. Over confidence. It's getting one's hopes up (which as you may know I try not to do), but with more hubris.

You see, I had convinced myself that I would (of course!) make top notch embryos. What I fully expected was that we would tranfer 2 grade-A blasts on day 5 and then, 9 days later, have a starkly negative beta. And so we would still have no answers. Because I was getting used to not having any answers. That seemed to be the way OUR infertility worked: on paper we're perfect but in reality it's like pregnancy is some fairytale that only exists for other people. So, I came out of the retrieval thinking that I knew what was coming, that it was all following some pre-ordained path and I felt secure in my confidence that our embryos would be stellar but that we STILL wouldn't get pregnant.

So, really, this is GOOD news. We have an answer, or at least a partial answer. And I'm sure there are things that we can do to try to improve the situation. DH is finally taking his multi-vitamins every day, for example (why is it so hard to get men to take their vitamins, sheesh!). So, I haven't given up hope on this cycle and I haven't given up hope on us.

And thank you for all of your kind comments talking me off the ledge. They were what I needed to hear, and you guys are [sniff] awesome.

On to new news.

Speaking of not giving up hope, we had an appointment at a clinic in Philadelphia today to see about being part of an IVF study (free IVF!). If you haven't heard about this study, I recommend looking into it. Here is a link to a description of the study at clinicaltrials.gov. The study is being conducted at clinics in the following cities (this list is from the above web page, but is obviously not comprehensive since the Philadelphia site is not listed there):

Encino, California, United States, 91436
Irvine, California, United States, 92604
Miami, Florida, United States, 33176
Tampa, Florida, United States, 33617
Kailua, Hawaii, United States, 96734
Chicago, Illinois, United States, 60610
Hoffman Estates, Illinois, United States, 60194
Waltham, Massachusetts, United States, 02451
Las Vegas, Nevada, United States, 89117
Charlotte, North Carolina, United States, 28207
Cincinnati, Ohio, United States, 45209
Memphis, Tennessee, United States, 38120
Bedford, Texas, United States, 76022
Webster, Texas, United States, 77598

The following criteria must be met in order to qualify:

Ages Eligible for Study: 35 Years to 42 Years
Genders Eligible for Study: Female
Accepts Healthy Volunteers: No

Criteria

Inclusion Criteria:
•Willing and able to provide written informed consent for trial P06029 as well as for the Frozen-Thawed Embryo Transfer (FTET) follow-up trial P06031, and for the pharmacogenetic analysis (if applicable).
•Female and >=35 to <=42 years of age with indication for COS and IVF/ICSI.
•Body weight ≥50.0 kg, BMI >=18.0 to <=32.0 kg/m2.
•Regular spontaneous menstrual cycle with variation not outside the 24-35 days.
•Ejaculatory sperm must be available (donated and/or cryopreserved sperm is allowed).
•Results of clinical laboratory tests, cervical smear, physical examination within normal limits or clinically acceptable to the investigator.
•Adhere to trial schedule.

Exclusion Criteria:
•A recent history of/or any current endocrine abnormality.
•A history of ovarian hyper-response or ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.
•A history of/or current polycystic ovary syndrome.
•More than 20 basal antral follicles <11 mm (both ovaries combined) in the early follicular phase.
•Less than 2 ovaries or any other ovarian abnormality.
•Unilateral or bilateral hydrosalpinx.
•Intrauterine fibroids ≥5 cm or any clinically relevant pathology, which could impair embryo implantation or pregnancy continuation.
•More than three unsuccessful COS cycles for IVF/ICSI since the last established ongoing pregnancy (if applicable).
•A history of non- or low ovarian response to FSH/hMG treatment.
•A history of recurrent miscarriage.
•FSH >15.0 IU/L or LH >12.0 IU/L during the early follicular phase.
•Positive for HIV or Hepatitis B.
•Contraindications for the use of gonadotropins or GnRH antagonists.
•A recent history of/or current epilepsy, thrombophilia, diabetes, cardiovascular, gastro-intestinal, hepatic, renal or pulmonary or auto-immune disease requiring regular treatment.
•Smoking or recently stopped smoking (ie, within the last 3 months prior to signing informed consent).
•A recent history or presence of alcohol or drug abuse.
•The subject or the sperm donor has known gene defects, genetic abnormalities, or abnormal karyotyping, relevant for the current indication or for the health of the offspring.
•Prior or concomitant medications disallowed by protocol.

The study is pretty ho-hum: they are testing a new stimulation drug that is very similar to follistim/gonal-f but is long lasting so that for the first 5 days of stims you only have to do one injection. The drug is already approved in Europe.

We of course hope that we are going to get good news on Monday (beta day) and won't ever have to go back to the clinic in Philly. But, I'm, well, hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, as they say.

Finally, a funny story that I wanted to share a couple weeks ago when it happened but got distracted by, you know, life, and didn't get to it until now.

(This story is only funny in hindsight. At the time, well, I cried, people. I did.)

So the story starts with me leaving my husband's laundry in the backseat of our car. Thinking that I would just bring it in later, I went about my business. A couple hours go by and I go out to the store. As I walk past the car on my way home I notice that the driver's side door is slightly ajar. As I get closer I notice the door is unlocked, and I know I didn't leave it unlocked. I look into the back seat and my husband's laundry is missing. That's right, someone stole my husband's laundry! So, I notice that my neighbor is outside in front of his house, so I ask him if he saw anything. He tells me no and then proceeds to talk my ear off about who knows what and in the middle of this conversation I lean down to pet his dog and the dog bites my hand! I feel so embarrassed about it that I don't even look at my hand to see if I'm bleeding because I don't want my neighbor to feel bad, so now I'm standing there, worried about buying all new clothes for my husband, my hand throbbing, and then, the cherry on top: my neighbor asks me when we're going to have kids.

Ba-dum-ching!

(my hand turned out to be fine, we went out and spent $300 the next day getting DH new clothes, and I told my neighbor "oh, I don't know, maybe someday.")

Losing Hope...

2010-09-03T14:31:00.002-04:00

A quick update. Transfer was yesterday. For someone reason I had become convinced that our embryos would be top notch and OF COURSE we'd get to do a 5 day transfer. Nope. I was a little devastated. When we went in for the transfer we found out that we only had 4 embryos left out of the 6, and the embryologist called them "fair to good." He said that they liked to see 8 cell embryos on day 3 and we had one 6 cell and two 5 cell. He didn't even talk about the fourth embryo. He recommended transferring three, which we did.

He said that they generally see an 80% fertilization rate, but out of our 14 mature eggs, only 6 fertilized, and none of those embryos were very good quality. So, I guess maybe we're not unexplained anymore. Either my eggs suck, my husband's sperm sucks, or they just don't make good embryos together. Either way this doesn't look good. I know I'm being too defeatist right now, but I feel like this is pretty bad news.

I lost a lot of hope in this cycle yesterday. I lost a lot of hope in us every becoming parents yesterday.

6 Embryos!

2010-08-31T21:18:00.002-04:00

The fertilization report is in. We have 6 embryos growing in the lab. I am THRILLED, just absolutely thrilled.

Having said that, though, I feel like that is a somewhat low fertilization rate (and I'm not sure how many out of our 17 eggs were mature: I didn't ask, and this info wasn't volunteered). I'm not going to worry about it too much for now, though. But I do wonder if this may at least partially explain why we haven't been getting pregnant?

Also, that progesterone needle looked like it was going to kill me. But then, it went in so easily. And was absolutely painless. Still, that is one long ass needle.

Egg-cellent News!

2010-08-30T13:25:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'll just get to the good stuff right away. 17 eggs!!! Woo-hoo!!!

Although this is not an exciting story, here is what happened. We took a cab instead of the subway because I was worried that walking to and from the subway would jostle out any remaining eggs that hadn't already skipped town. We totally over-estimated the amount of time it would take to get there (we figured traffic at that time of day would be terrible, but I guess it wasn't) and arrived 40 minutes early. I had time to read the entire NY Times before they called us back. I disrobed and put on the requisite gowns, we waiting a few minutes in a small room by ourselves and then they called back hubs for his contribution. Hubs finally returned and then we waited a LONG time and I started to get nervous. Finally they came for me, hooked me up to an IV, and took me into the OR. After making sure they had the right person, all of a sudden I started feeling a little light headed. Then, I woke up, and thought I was still in the OR and they hadn't started yet and then realized that I was in recovery. They offered me canned orange juice and graham crackers and I when I finished them I told the recovery nurse that they were delicious (and they were!). About that time she told me that they got 17 eggs. After about 45 minutes, which somehow passed really quickly, they escorted me to the bathroom, and then afterwards took out my IV and told me I was all set.

I'm supposed to take the rest of the day off but I feel totally okay. I guess I should just to be on the safe side, though, so I've got some DVDs and I'm just going to hang out on the couch for the rest of the day.

Okay, Eggs, Stay Where You Are!

2010-08-30T07:36:00.003-04:00

The calmness has left me. Over the past 24 hours I've convinced myself that I'm going to ovulate early and that by the time of the egg retrieval those eggs are going to be long gone. I mean, 36 hours is a long time between trigger and retrieval. And my eggs were getting kinda big there at the end. It's 7:30 am and we don't have to be there until 9 but it's all I can do to stop myself from rushing over to the clinic, flinging open the door of the OR, and yelling, "We're gonna lose 'em, people! Let's get these eggs out, STAT!"

I have never heard of this happening to anybody during IVF (but I have not and will not google it lest I find that it HAS) yet I am certain this will be my fate.

I also had a dream last night that they were able to retrieve 50 (!) eggs, but then only 2 went on to fertilize. So, my conscious and subconscious apparently disagree about exactly how things are going to go wrong, but they do agree that things WILL go wrong (although 2 fertilizing is not the end of the world, but 2 out of 50 just sounds bad).

Ugh.

In other, more positive, news, I'm having a good hair day! Although I'm not allowed to shower today (something about fragrances being bad for eggs/embryos), my (slept on) hair looks fabulous anyway. I heart good hair days.

Of Mice and Men (and Infertiles)

2010-08-28T22:07:00.006-04:00

I have no idea what my estrogen level is. I don't know exactly how many follicles I have or how big they are. I am not temping, I'm not using OPKs to make sure I don't ovulate early, and I only know how thick my lining is because the doctor volunteered this information.

Ah, sweet ignorant bliss.

That $12,000 is spent whether I get a BFP or BFN. So, whatevs.

I triggered 10 minutes ago. Retrieval Monday. I am like an isolated lake on a clear summer's night: calm.

But tired! Took a 4 hour nap this afternoon. Those kids! It was like watching a tornado for 3 days. Not stressful (for me, hubs was a different story: I was almost afraid that by the end of it he'd say, "Stop the injections! Let's rethink this whole kids idea!"), but fascinating. What do you do when 3 kids all refuse to go to bed, and you're completely exhausted? (Speaking from my "fertile friend's" POV, of course: me and hubs just said "goodnight" and closed our bedroom door.) What about when you're on an elevator full of people and your 4 year old and 20 month old won't stop pressing the alarm button? (MFF looked at me and loudly exclaimed "Jane, your kids are sooooo bad!") Or, when, on a city street, your 4 year old disappears around the corner and when you go looking for him he's nowhere to be seen? (She screamed at the top of her lungs until he finally reappeared. Yes, people stared.)

But the husband, amazingly, did not ask me to call off the IVF. He said we would raise better behaved children. Best laid plans, indeed.

IVF Update CD 10

2010-08-26T19:27:00.003-04:00

Quick update: today my biggest follicle was at 16mm. I have about 10 follicles on the left and 8 on the right. I go back in for monitoring tomorrow. They are estimating retrieval will be Sunday or Monday. Things are moving fast! I don't have time to update much more than that: my "fertile friend" (the one with 3 little kids) is in town and I am spending all my time going to playgrounds and parks. It's not so bad, really. I will write a post soon about her kids. They are cute but sure are a handful. I've been cuddling the littlest one, trying to get her to send my uterus some baby dust! It's been keeping my mind off this cycle and as of this moment I'm still feeling very calm. I think the circle + bloom is helping. Or maybe the acupuncture. Or maybe all my hope has been sapped away over the last 20 cycles and I am now an empty and emotionless shell of my former self. Anyway, I'm calm, so I'll take it!

All Aboard!

2010-08-19T19:22:00.003-04:00

Today I officially boarded the IVF train. Woo-woo!

Rolled out of bed at 6:30 am (pretty early for me), caught the subway and on the (lightly) crowded elevator up to the clinic was surprised when only one button was pushed.

Ah, yes. We were all going to the same place.

Then there was a long line (of 30-something professional women) to sign in.

Ah, yes. Fertility clinics.

Bloodwork, ultrasound, and I was pronounced "good to go." I start 150 units of gonal-f and 2 vials of menopur tonight, lupron down to 5 units (goodbye headaches? fingers crossed). I go back on Sunday, cycle day 6.

In other news, I had my second acupuncture session today. Although I like my acupuncturist, she did tell me at my first appointment that she was experiencing "mommy brain." UGH! She then quickly told me that she didn't have her first child until she was 38 and then her second when she was 40. I resisted asking her how long it took her to get KUed, cuz I bet it was on the first try each time. UGH! Anyway, like I said, I DO like her. She is calm and centered. She also says I need more "fire" and less "dampness." Is that why I love the desert so much? Hmmmmm....

And! I have purchased the Circle + Bloom IVF program. I've only listened to 2 of the sessions so far. I'll get back to you on my review soon.

Finally, I am feeling very calm. Almost too calm? I'll take it, though.

Me and My Dog

2010-08-17T22:22:00.001-04:00

I Punched Him In the Face

2010-08-16T22:15:00.003-04:00

Just kidding. I wish. But I did confront him.

I didn't think I could do it, I didn't think I had it in me. But I was urged on by your comments. It was pretty unanimous that I should confront him. And I had to admit to myself that it was the right thing to do. The problem was that I did not want to do it. Instead I wanted to bury my head in the sand. But then I thought, well, what if I did? It would be turning over a new leaf for myself, and maybe it was time for me to turn over a new leaf: the standing up for myself leaf. So, I decided what I was going to say, and I stuck a post-it to my computer with the 3 main phrases that I wanted to make sure I used: "not called for," "not appropriate," and "disrespectful." I spent 10 minutes repeating them over and over in my head so that I wouldn't forget, and then I called him into my office. As I waited for him my heart was beating so loudly in my chest I thought he would be able to hear it when he came into the room. But then... all of a sudden I started to get mad. Mad that I was sitting there with a post-it note and my heart racing all because he gets a power trip out of giving me shit. And when I got mad my heart stopped racing and I became calm. And he came in and I said "I just want to tell you that I didn't appreciate your criticism on Friday. It was not called for, it was not appropriate, and it was disrespectful." And then he apologized. Sincerely. He said that he had felt bad afterwards and that I was right, he shouldn't have criticized me like that, and then he apologized again. And so my anger melted away and I started to get anxious again (ugh!). And I said it wasn't a big deal and that I appreciated the apology. But my voice cracked a little when I said it. Luckily, I had already planned that as soon as I talked to him I was going to leave for the day, so I then said "Okay, I'm off!" and walked out the door!

Thanks for your supportive and encouraging comments. They really meant a lot to me. I'm so glad I stood up for myself. Such a little thing, but a step in the right direction (and, boy, I would never make it in the "real" business world, sheesh!!).

These Are the Bullet Points of My Life

2010-08-14T18:14:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't posted in forever. The truth is that I seem to have over scheduled myself. I panicked a bit when I first realized this, but hey, maybe this is the best time to be over scheduled? Gotta keep busy, right? So, a bullet point post is in order, to convey my current bullet pointed life:

Today is day 11 of lupron. I've been told if I don't get my period after 13 days of lupron, I have to turn myself in to the period police, er, I mean my RE. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. AF is due tomorrow, but I have been googling and it seems sometimes lupron will delay one's period by a few days. I am just starting to feel little twinges of cramps down there, which usually means that AF is still a few days away, so we'll see.
At first I thought lupron was my bitch. But lupron is sneaky, and now I'm thinking lupron might have turned the tables on me. Headache: check. Irritability: check. Fatigue: uh, CHECK. Hot flashes: eh, not so much. YET, that sneaky SOB!!
I have given up coffee, both decaf and regular, and am avoiding most caffeine. This could also explain my headache, irritability and fatigue. Yeah, so giving up coffee SUUUUUUCKS!! Don't let anyone tell you different. If you've been drinking coffee every day for the past 20 years, it is NOT fun to give up.
I have taken on another volunteer position. This is a big part of me being over scheduled. It's only 6-8 hours a week, but on top of my other volunteer position, which is about 10 hours a week, it's kind of feeling like a lot. But I kinda flipped out that if I can't have a baby than I need to go back to grad school so I can have a REAL career and for that I need to be able to have letters of recommendation in the field I'm interested in, THUS, the volunteer position. If you want to make fun of me for wanting to go back to school at 35, I will not hold it against you.
I made an appointment with an acupuncturist and will start going twice a week. I had thought about it before, but it wasn't until I read on someone's blog that acupuncture cured their teeth grinding that I decided to go for it. If she can make me stop grinding my teeth I will be so happy. I've been doing it for 4 or 5 years now (maybe longer, but it's been 4-5 years since it's affecting my day to day life) and my jaw and teeth ache all the time and I hate it. Oh, and if she can help me have a baby, that's cool, too.
My fertile friend (the one with 3 kids and the only person I've shared our TTC struggles with) is coming to town in a week and a half and is going to stay with us for a few days. Not exactly sure where I'll be in my cycle then , but most likely I will be stimming and getting close to retrieval. Now, some would question as to whether or not it's a good idea to have a bunch of little kids running around my house at that point in my IVF cycle. I, however, just want to get my hands on her baby again. I think if I can just cuddle her baby for a few days, maybe my uterus will finally "get it." But, we'll see. My uterus is a hard nut to crack.

The last thing I'd like to write about is a workplace issue. Fun, right? And I'm just going to put it out there right now, so there's no question as to my purpose with these last paragraphs. I'm looking for some sympathy, people!

Ok, so I own a small business and I have employees. This is the first and only business that I've owned, and I've never managed employees before, so I don't know if this is common or not (any other employers or managers out there please let me know), but my employees kinda treat me like shit. One in particular. This is a story about that employee.

Now, I don't want to tell you what business I'm in, since I'm trying to remain somewhat anonymous, but I'll just say that on some days I will do the same work that is expected of my employees, and I believe strongly in the "lead by example" motto, and so when I'm doing the same work that I ask them to do, I do it well (if I do say so myself). But I have one employee in particular that likes to criticize my work. Which leads me to yesterday's incident. It was a busy day yesterday, and I rushed to complete all the tasks that needed to be done, but was not successful. This was not necessarily my fault: I was on my own, with no help, and different things kept coming up all day that were getting me more and more behind. I knew at one point that there was no way that I would be able to catch up. When my employee arrived at his designated time and he saw that I hadn't completed everything, I made the comment to him that "it was a busy day." He then said (sarcastically) "yeah, right, lot's going on, huh? Real busy? Isn't it always for you?" And I said that, well, yes, it had been busy, actually, and what's the big deal? And he said the big deal is that I'm the only one that doesn't get all the work done when it needs to be done and that I'm always coming up with "slacker excuses." At that point I just walked away.

Now tell me that that isn't a super disrespectful thing to say to your boss? And he says this stuff to me all that time. And, I hate to say it, he makes me feel really bad. He is always questioning my decisions, often in a subtly mocking sort of way ("How many of [product x] did you order? You really think we need that amount?") or asking me to do things for him ("Can you get [product x] from the back for me?"). And I don't know what to do about it. I would really like to fire him, but we are a small company and 1) I know it would rock our little world if I were to fire someone; 2) I don't have the time or inclination to hire someone new and train them; and 3) I don't know if I have it in me to fire someone.

I would like to just ignore this behavior, and to just not engage him when he acts like this (I am guilty of trying to defend myself against his accusations in the past, which he usually just turns into "oh, excuses, excuses."). But maybe I need to confront him?

Anyway, I was in tears much of last night due to him accusing me of being a "slacker" yesterday and I, for obvious reasons, don't need this BS right now.

******And finally, please go say "congratulations!!!!" to Egg over at Such a Good Egg on her long awaited BFP!!!******

Would Anyone Sign This?

2010-08-07T11:39:00.003-04:00

I was reviewing the IVF packet they gave me and found that they'd included the "Research Subject Information and Consent Form." This is the consent form for the "research study" that I was "invited to take part in" that would allow them to use our "discarded, non-viable sperm, eggs and embryos to further [their] research towards understanding and advancing reproductive science." A worthy cause, indeed. But I refused to sign because of the following sentence:

"Should we ever provide your cell lines to anyone else for research or commercial use, it [sic] will do so in such a way as to try to protect your privacy and confidentiality as stated in the confidentiality section of this consent form."

Yeah, you read it right, they're gonna "try" to protect my privacy. Uh-huh. Sure. And commercial use? What, exactly, does that mean? (If Mon.san.to's going to start splicing my genes into soybeans so that they're no longer able to reproduce, thus protecting their intellectual property, well, maybe that could work, but I would be totally against it.)

Sheesh, are they able to get anyone to sign this?

Or am I overreacting?

Ignorance is Bliss, But Sometimes It's Not

2010-07-25T14:02:00.004-04:00

Heather at "Can I Get Some Sugar With These Lemons" recently weighed in on this article in Elle written by a woman who became pregnant with twins after an IUI and then struggled over whether she should undergo selective reduction. Heather wrote a scathing but altogether reasonable reaction post here, mainly criticizing the author's ignorance of the multiples risk that was inherent in the procedure she chose to pursue, and also speculating as to the negative perception of infertiles this article would produce among the general public.

And I totally agree with Heather.

But, I can't say that I am at all shocked by this author's ignorance.

Because, here's the thing: I think that infertility bloggers tend towards the opposite end of the spectrum. We are the over-informed consumers of ART. We not only know that a doctor "transfers" embryos instead of "implanting" them, we also know what E2 is, we know how much of it you need per follicle for there to be viable eggs, we know how big those follicles generally need to be to hold viable eggs, we know how high our progesterone should be, we know what FSH is, what MTHFR is, what endometriosis is, what RPL stands for, we know about thyroid problems, we know about PCOS, MFI, morphology and motility. We know based on a beta number and the number of days past ovulation whether to cheer for a fellow blogger with reckless abandon, or whether to cheer for her with words of encouragement and hope. We know that cramps mean nothing. We know that boobs mean nothing. We know that google lies. We know that google tells the truth. We know too much. And I dare say, we may be the outliers, and the author of this article may represent the average IF patient.

Do most IF patients trust their doctors? Do most IF patients get all their information from their doctors? Do most IF patients base all their decision making on what their doctors tell them? Is this a reasonable way to go through IF treatments?

At this point I'd like to relate a story from my own journey through infertility. After 6 months of trying on our own, using OPKs and charting, and having nothing to show for it, I took the first step of making an appointment with my OB/GYN to ask about next steps. The appointment lasted, oh, 5 minutes. He said to me "I'm going to give you a prescription for something that helps a lot of women get pregnant. Take this for 3 months and if you're not successful I'll refer you to a fertility doctor." The prescription, of course, was for clomid. I had never heard of clomid, I didn't I know what it was or what it did. When I got home and told my husband that I had a prescription from the doctor that might help us get pregnant, my husband asked me if it would increase our chances of twins. I remember telling him that I didn't know, and I remember thinking to myself "Duh! It probably does!" At that point, I started doing my own research.

It's entirely possible that if my husband hadn't said anything that I would have continued being as ignorant as the author of the Elle article. But as soon as I started doing my own research, I started questioning everything. Clomid was supposed to be for women who didn't ovulate (or so I read), so why was I being prescribed this when I seemed to be ovulating fine? I also read something that said that clomid can cause cysts, and cautioned against taking the medication without being monitored by ultrasound throughout your cycle. I had previously had two cysts discovered during regular check ups (with a different OB/GYN), and so I began to worry about taking this drug for multiple cycles without being monitored. I actually called my doctor and expressed this worry, told him about my history of cysts, and he dismissed it immediately. But I didn't trust him any longer and after just one unmonitored clomid cycle, where I had a lot of pain and discomfort around ovulation, I decided to move on to an RE right away.

And I haven't trusted doctors since, because now I don't believe anything they tell me! (Kidding! I totally believe them, but only when they say things like "I don't know how much that costs, you'll have to talk to our financial department.")

Speaking of financial departments, I also wonder, if this was all being paid for by my insurance, as it was in the case of the author of the Elle article, would I have a more relaxed attitude? Because as it is, a big motivator for me to be my own advocate is the very real financial risk that my husband and I are agreeing to by undergoing an incredibly expensive treatment (IVF) that only has a 44% success rate (at our clinic, for my age group), and of course the multiple not-quite-as-expensive-but-still-more-expensive-than-an -iPad procedures that we underwent that only had 10-20% chances of success (IUI).

So did her insurance coverage have some influence on her relative ignorance?

I guess it's just hard for me to understand how someone could enter into IF treatments so carelessly. But, at the same time, it only took her one IUI to get pregnant, so it's not like she ever got to the point where she felt she needed to step up and take matters into her own hands.

But here's where I end up: whether the patient is informed and aware of the risks or not, IF treatments increase the rate of multiples. And as such, there are many many women who are finding themselves in the same situation as the author of this article, having to make a heartbreaking decision (though more likely they are pregnant with 3 or more, not just with twins). And until the precision of IF treatments is improved, or the underlying causes of IF are treated rather than just "worked around," women will continue to be faced with the decision to reduce, after working so hard to get pregnant in the first place.

My IVF Anthem

2010-07-23T12:26:00.003-04:00

Since my issue with this company is ongoing, it seems that being put on hold and listening to the song "Eat For Two," with its "baby blankets" and its "baby shoes" and its "baby slippers, baby spoons" and "walls of baby blue," is now just a part of my everyday life.

But after listening to it today, for the... um... 5th time in 4 days, it seems that I am now, officially, immune to the song "Eat For Two."

Go ahead, make me listen to it again, it's okay. It's kind of catchy.

In fact, perhaps I'll make it my IVF anthem. I'll sing it loud, and I'll sing it proud. Just because I don't already have my "two," doesn't mean that I'm not already living for my "two." I quit coffee cold turkey (ow! my brain!), I quit drinking cold turkey (ow! my... okay, not as hard as the coffee, but still), I take my pre-natal, my folic acid, my extra B-6 and B12 every day, I am trying to do low impact exercise for at least 30 minutes every day, I am trying to de-stress and am thinking about trying some deep breathing and relaxation techniques (anyone have experience with Circle + Bloom?).

So, yes, I eat for two, walk for two, and breathe for two, now.

In your face, Natalie.

Perspective

2010-07-22T21:25:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. I don't like this stage of life that I'm in. I just wish I could move on to something new - either a baby (please, please, please!), or other stuff (to be determined, but if we don't get a baby, it's kinda going to change my whole outlook on life, and I may have to: a) move somewhere else; b) go back to school; and/or c) become a drunk).

It's easy for me to get into that woe-is-me way of thinking, but it's not a healthy place. I'm trying to get it all out of my system now so that I can buck up when we actually start meds (August 4th!!). My goal, then, is to be in a zen place by August 1st. Okay, yeah, we'll see how that goes.

But, it certainly helps me lose the bad attitude when I'm confronted with the lives of others who are undergoing their own hardships.

There is a certain popular blog that I read (and if you read it too, which I bet some of you do, you're going to recognize which one I'm talking about). This blogger will, on occasion, and with much compassion, write about families that are dealing with challenges of their own:

Today she linked to the blog of a woman whose baby was born with a rare genetic disease. The woman found out when she was 17 weeks pregnant. Her daughter, now 3, has to have round the clock care and so lives permanently in an assisted care facility.
About a week ago she linked to the blog of a young mother of 6 who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and had just died, only 2 1/2 months after finding out she was sick.
The blogger's own sister, a mother of 4, was horribly burned over 80% of her body in a plane crash. She survived, but is permanently disfigured.

I can't help but ask myself, even though I want so desperately to be a mother, would I trade my plight for the plight any of these women, all of whom have achieved motherhood?

***Oh, and BTW, I had to call that company again today. Guess what song I got to hear TWICE MORE while I was on hold? Eat for F-ing Two. I hung up the phone and asked my husband to shoot me and put me out of my misery.***

Shut It, Natalie!

2010-07-21T12:30:00.003-04:00

Two days in a row I've been assaulted by the song "Eat For Two" while on hold (with the same company). Both times I had to listen to the part that goes "You know where this will lead, to hush and rock in the nursery, for the kicking one inside of me. I eat for two, walk for two, breathe for two now."

It ripped my heart out.

I couldn't help but imagine the (fictional?) woman who's perspective this is sung from: too young, not ready, but maybe in love; full of regret, but thinking of her unborn baby, kicking inside of her.

I have to admit that it made me long to be that woman. I guess I could have been that woman (maybe). One break of the condom and I could have been knocked up at 23, too young, not ready. It happened to a good friend of mine. She and the father, her partner, have a beautiful, smart 11 year old daughter now.

When I imagine the woman who is the subject of this song, I imagine my friend, alone in her pregnancy, with all of her friends still in school, or just embarking on their first jobs, maybe taking some time off after finishing college to see the world (I had just moved away from my college town after graduating when I found out about her pregnancy). And there she was, pregnant and unmarried (the father, also a good friend, did stick with her, although I know he was scared).

I wasn't envious for her then. But I am so envious of her now.

Maybe it's because that song, truly, is a beautiful song, and it kinda glorifies young unwed mothers a bit. Doesn't it?

Ugh. Gimme a baby, already, universe! Or please please stop torturing me!

This Is Not a Post About My Boobs

2010-07-17T13:19:00.003-04:00

On Thursday, after hitting "publish" on the "Boob Update" post, I rose from my chair, went to the bathroom, said a little prayer before looking in my undies (come on, you do it, too... right?), breathed a sigh of relief, peed, wiped... red. So, yeah, the boobs, they lie.

I called in to the my new REs office and they told me to come in the next day (yesterday) for bloodwork. I had to bring the hubs with me for his own bloodwork. We sat in the waiting room together, not speaking. I was on the verge of tears.

They called me back to take my blood, and the nurse barely spoke to me, just handed me forms. "Fill out the highlighted sections," she said. "Okay, sign here," she said. I continued to be on the verge of tears.

The nurse stuck me and it hurt, and the pain persisted the entire time as she took about 8 vials of blood. Still on the verge of tears.

We then met with our IVF coordinator and signed consent forms: ICSI, assisted hatching, cryopreservation, etc. I signed but forgot to date everything. Because I was on the verge of tears.

She also gave us papers to sign if we wanted to be involved in a research study that would use leftover unviable eggs and sperm and could potentially help other couples undergoing IVF in the future. I wanted to help, but when I read over the paperwork, the sentence that caught my attention was the one that said something about if any of our leftovers were ever used commercially our privacy would be protected. Used commercially? Privacy protection? Uh-uh, no way. We didn't sign, I felt bad that I wouldn't be helping other infertile couples in the future, and I remained on the verge of tears.

Finally, we left.

I was not myself. Hubs said "Are you feeling okay?" and I shrugged. He said, "I think all that blood they took from you must have tired you out."

Yeah, okay, NO.

I don't feel bad because they took a few vials of blood from me. I feel bad because I'M BROKEN, I'M INFERTILE, I DON'T WANT TO DO IVF, I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS TO BE HAPPENING TO US, AND EVEN DOING THIS STUPID IVF WE MAY STILL NEVER END UP WITH A BABY.

The tears welled, but I did not cry.

I'm going to try and put on a brave face for myself, for my husband, and for the world. But I'm scared.

Dear Boobs...

2010-07-16T12:02:00.001-04:00

Dear Boobs:

YOU LIE!

Jane

Boob Update!

2010-07-15T10:22:00.003-04:00

Okay, everybody: exhale. I don't think it's my turn this month.

I started spotting a little yesterday, and today I feel like I'll be getting my period any second now. Boobs are still larger than normal and a little sore, but not as firm as they were a few days ago. I think this just may have been the universe's way of f-ing with me. Maybe the universe saw how relaxed I've been over the last few months and instead of rewarding me with a pregnancy, decided that there just wasn't enough crying going on over at the TTC Hopeful house, so why not try to get my hopes up ~~a little~~ a lot so that they can just be CRUSHED MERCILESSLY.

Anyway, it's not over until the lady in red makes her debut (seriously... any second). But I'm looking forward again, instead of being trapped in that horrible endless cycle of "Are my boobs still sore?" Ten seconds later: "How about now?" Ten seconds later: "Now?" Ten seconds later: "What about now?" ("aaaaaggggggghhhhhh!!!!!")

So, as soon as the red lady shows, I will call my new and improved RE's office (Dr. Big Time) to let them know that I'm on CD1. On CD3 I'll go in for day 3 bloodwork. If that checks out fine (***please!***) then I'll start Lupron at the end of the cycle, wait for my period, and then start stims.

IVF!!! Hee-yah!!

Breaking News About My Boobs

2010-07-13T21:35:00.003-04:00

Today I am 12dpo. Starting at 9dpo my boobs started to A) feel firmer; and B) feel bigger. Yesterday, they started to feel a little bit sore.

On all of my clomid and injectable cycles I had sore boobs starting at ovulation. They would remain that way until a few days before my period was due, at which point they would go back to normal, and all my hope would be extinguished.

In every other non-medicated cycle, they have stayed "normal" throughout the 2ww, despite all my poking and prodding.

So, on Saturday, when I did my regular cop-a-feel test, I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that, in fact, they felt different.

So, now I'm poking and prodding like a maniac all day long, thinking that as long as they stay like this, I have hope, but worried that the next time I grope myself they'll be back to normal and, again, my hope will die.

Ugh. My period is due on Friday. So. Far. Away.

And I hate that most likely this is some stupid fluke that actually means nothing and will get my hopes up and then CRUSH THEM.

Hello (Again) World!

2010-07-02T22:11:00.003-04:00

It looks like I took June off from blogging. Hmm. Not sure how that happened. And I'm not sure if this is going to be an "I'm back" post or just a quick update before I disappear again. So, we'll see.

I am currently in my last cycle before embarking on IVF. As soon as I get my period I'll go in for day 3 bloodwork, then start Lupron at the end of that cycle, then get my period again and start stims.

This month is our fourth month of "trying naturally" since we failed our last IUI. Am I crazy to still be hopeful that "natural" could actually work for us?

Last month I miscalculated when my period was due and thought I was late. But I knew there was a possibility that I'd miscalculated so for 2 days I didn't look at my chart because I wanted to live in that other world, just for a little while. And it was a wonderful wonderful world. It's like lollipops and unicorns over there, ladies. Then, those 2 days went by, and I thought maybe it was safe to check my chart, that maybe I really wasn't going to have to leave that wonderful world. And when I checked my chart I saw that my period was due the next day. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Oh, and I came back positive for the MTHFR mutation. Dr.'s email said "your blood clotting workup was essentially negative except for one very minor thing called an MTHFR mutation. This is very very common and is associated with a very low clotting risk...i merely recommend for this that you take additional folic acid daily." He makes it sound so... benign. Is it? Dr.'s email went on to say: "You had one of the a type mutation and one of the c type mutations = double heterozygote." He says I should take "minimally 2mg total" of folic acid daily. If anyone has any experience with this and what it really means to me please let me know.

Finally, our one year anniversary is coming up next week. Married life is awesome. We were together 7 years before we got married. They were often tumultuous years, too, which is maybe why we waited so long. But this past year, besides the IF crap, has been blissful. Just blissful. Wish we'd tied the knot earlier.

The Post Where I Over-Analyze My Over-Analyzation, and Then Some

2010-05-30T15:17:00.006-04:00

Slight change of plans. Our quote from Dr. Big Time's shared risk plan came in. Sheesh!

In my second to last post I mentioned that we are thinking about doing a refund (or "shared risk") plan. Out of the 3 IVF REs we've seen, 2 offer a shared risk plan: Dr. Big Time and Dr. Immunity. The details of the plans are different in ways, but at their most basic they are the same: you pay a large sum up front (does not include meds or anesthesia), and get up to 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, and a portion of your money back if at the end you don't get a baby.

Dr. Immunity's plan costs $19,050. The refund at the end (with no baby) would be $4475. The refund is small, but the initial cost is also, comparatively, small. However, Dr. Immunity's success rates are all over the place. For 2008, Percentage of Transfers Resulting in Live Births:

Under 35 - 54% (National Average - 47.3%)
35-37 - 32% (National Average - 37.3%)
38-40 - 10.7% (National Average - 28.2%)
41-42 - 35% (National Average - 16.7%)

Dr. Big Time's plan costs $36, 772. The refund at the end (with no baby) would be $26,009. The refund, obviously, is rather large, but the initial cost is also rather large. And Dr. Big Time's success rates are pretty good. For 2008, Percentage of Transfers Resulting in Live Births:

Under 35 - 51.9% (National Average - 47.3%)
35-37 - 44.4% (National Average - 37.3%)
38-40 - 31.1% (National Average - 28.2%)
41-42 - 18.2% (National Average - 16.7%)

Another thing to take into consideration is Dr. Immunity's total cycles for the year are 584, while Dr. Big Time's clinic did 2,028. This could be a partial explanation of why Dr. Immunity's success rates are all over the place.

So, how does this change our plans? Well, first of all, I don't think we can do Dr. Big Time's shared risk program. Here's the thing, the worst case scenario financially is that I do all six cycles (3 fresh, 3 frozen) before I get pregnant. In that scenario, we would not get a refund, plus we will have to have spent money each time on meds and anesthesia, which I guess could be about $14,000, in addition to the original $36, 772, for a grand total of $50,772.

I can't do it.

Spending $50,000 on a baby... I mean... I just don't think I can do it. Ugh. The thing is, we have the money. We don't have much more than that though, so pretty much we would be in a position that we have spent ALL OUR MONEY and are now pregnant. And maybe with twins (Dr. Big Time has a 32.3% twins rate). It feels irresponsible to do that. Of course, there are a lot of couples out there that get pregnant with twins and probably don't have a lot of savings and they make do. We could, too. I know we could. But we have a choice here. We don't have to do it that way.

The thing that I find so difficult to wrap my head around is that the very reason I qualify for these shared risk programs is that, based on my stats, I am likely to not end up having to get a refund. I am likely to get pregnant from IVF (again, based on my stats, not on my own feeling about it, which is that I'M BROKEN AND I'LL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN! WAAAAAH!!). I am (fairly) young, and so far no one had found anything wrong with me. I SHOULDN'T do the shared risk program for the same reason I am covered under the shared risk program: based on my stats I am likely to have success with IVF.

Okay, next (I feel like this post is scattered all over the place, but I'm gathering my thoughts on all this as I type, sorry!). What is our maximum budget for IVF? Hubs and I talked it over, and we think we'd like to try to not go much over $30,000. And although 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles would give me a really really good chance of getting pregnant, I can't help but think it's a little overkill. (Oh boy do I hope those words don't come back to haunt me. Please please don't come back to haunt me, words...)

Okay, let's do a little exercise. Let's take 100 women between the ages of 35-37. Let's say they go to Dr. Big Time, and they are in it to win it: 3 fresh, 3 frozen, or until they're knocked up. Based on his stats here's how it would go:

1st Fresh IVF: Out of 100, 44% (44 women) would get pregnant, leaving 56 women not pregnant
1st Frozen: Out of 56, 30% (17 women) would get pregnant (btw, 30.2% is their success rate for FET), leaving 39 not preggers.
2nd Fresh: Out of 39, 44% (17 women) would get pregnant, leaving 22.
2nd Frozen: Out of 22, 30% (6.6, but lets round down and say 6 women) would get pregnant, leaving 16.
3rd Fresh: Out of 16, 44% (7 women) would get pregnant, leaving 9.
3rd Frozen: Out of 9, 30% (3 women) would get pregnant, leaving 6.

So, we have a 94% success rate. Not bad odds. BUT, if you look at the difference between the results of the 2nd frozen and the final 3rd frozen, they are only 10% different (i.e. 84% are pregnant after the 2nd frozen, while 94% are pregnant after the 3rd frozen).

If I paid for the cycles one by one, and it took 2 fresh and 2 frozen for me to get pregnant, I would pay:

$9,215 x 2 (for fresh IVF cycles)
$3,500 x2 (for frozen cycles, and I actually don't know how much their FETs cost, so this is just an undereducated guess)
$750 x 2 (anesthesia)
$4000 x 2 (meds, which I hope is an overestimation)
Total: $34,930

That number is more in the ballpark of what we would want to spend (not that I want to spend any of it, but you see what I'm saying).

Now, the final option would be to go with Dr. Immunity's 3 fresh/3 frozen shared risk plan. Total cost if it takes all 6 cycles to get knocked up: $32,550 (approximately, obviously). Of course, his success rates are lower, so my exercise above would look very different for him (I'm not going to show you that one, because I'm guessing you can't take much more of this!!).

Based on all of the above, we are now thinking we will either do a cycle by cycle with Dr. Big Time (up to 2 fresh and 2 frozen), or the shared risk with Dr. Immunity. And we have decided to wait until all of our immunity tests come back before we decide, which we found out could be up to a month (oh, yeah, they took 26 VIALS OF BLOOD FROM ME, HOLY SMOKES!). Which means we won't start our IVF next month as planned. We'll probably start in July.

And finally, I just want to say that I realize that all of our planning and figuring things out and all of my little "exercises" could add up to diddly-squat when we finally do an IVF. For example, we may find that my eggs SUCK, in which case if we didn't sign up for the shared risk, we may wish we had, as it would then be more likely (I would think) that we would need all the cycles, imagining that if my eggs are crap I might not be able to do the FETs at all.

So, that's it! If you've read this far, congratulations! You either: A) really care about my life (thank you! you are so sweet!), or B) are as obsessed with IVF costs and success rates as I am (you should really chill out about that. seriously.)

Friday, August 7th, 2009: The Day I Got My Stupid BFP

2010-05-22T21:02:00.004-04:00

Well, at the very least I had to look up the exact date on FF. It's not like I have the date memorized or anything. And no, I never calculated my due date. I didn't really think much of it at all at the time. And I still think it was total BS...

So why do I still think about it?

Why can I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I got that phone call?

Okay, let me back up. So, I've never gotten a BFP, but last year, in August, I got a stupid BFP. What's a stupid BFP? One that only serves to get your hopes up but doesn't mean s--t. At 9dpo (yeah, that's right, 9 stupid days past ovulation) I went in for a beta. It was my first cycle at the RE. A clomid cycle. No IUI, just "timed intercourse." Oh, and I should mention that we had been married for just over a month, so it wasn't like it was THE MOST PERFECT TIMING EVER. Especially since we'd been trying, and worrying about trying, for the last 8 months or so (you know: what if we're successful and I can't fit into my dress? and all that BS). Anyway, why was my RE doing a beta at 9dpo? Who knows! At the time, it being my first cycle with the RE, I thought that was just the way it was done. (Oh, when you're seeing a professional, you don't have to wait the whole stupid 14 days! Woo-hoo!) Anyway, every cycle after that they told me to come in at 14 days, so that was wrong. Maybe it was for the progesterone level? But isn't that supposed to be 7dpo? So, who knows why, but they did my beta at 9dpo. And guess what? It was positive. Or, stupid positive. As in, not really positive at all. But boy was I ignorant back then.

So the call goes like this:

Jane: Hello?
RE: We got your pregnancy test result back, and it is positive...
Jane: (heart racing) Oh, okay?
RE: But it's a little low. It's at 9. So we need to retest it on Monday to make sure.
Jane: So what are the chances it's really positive?
RE: Oh, it is positive. Anything above 5 is positive.
Jane: Okay, well, what are the chances it's going to be a viable pregnancy?
RE: Well, there's no way to know really.
Jane: Well, do most women in your experience with a number that low go on to have a viable pregnancy?
RE: It's just too early to tell.
Jane: Okay, well, I guess I'll come in on Monday, then.

9? Seriously? And she's telling me it's positive?

But, okay, it's only 9dpo. If it were 14dpo, then 9 would obviously be super low, but maybe at 9dpo an hcg of 9 is okay? But no, she said it was low. But I did do a trigger shot, so maybe it was leftover from that? Probably. But they also tested my progesterone and it was over 40. That is pretty high. Like, maybe I was pregnant high. And when I went back on Monday and they retested my hcg it was at 2. One other time when I had my hcg tested at 12dpo (several months later) it was at 0 at 12dpo, so if it really was leftover from the trigger, wouldn't it have also registered the other time I had my hcg tested at 12dpo?

Can you tell that I'm still thinking about this? I mean, way over thinking about this?

Was I or was I not pregnant?

Okay, I was not pregnant pregnant. If an embryo implanted enough to produce hcg but not enough to delay my period (okay, I think it was delayed by 2 days, but clomid always seemed to lengthen my luteal phase), then that's not really pregnant. But could an embryo have implanted? In my uterus? Is it possible?

Going into IVF... I guess it would be nice to know that it's possible.

So, in closing, stupid not-even-enough-to-be-called-a-chemical-pregnancy pregnancies can SUCK IT.

And get out of my head stupid not-really-a-BFP BFP!

My Long and Winding Road to IVF Or: Doctors and Finances and Testing, Oh My!

2010-05-19T20:49:00.005-04:00

As you may know, we are on the road to IVF. The long and winding road. We have seen 3 IVF doctors over the last 2 months, and although we're leaning toward one in particular, we haven't made any final decisions yet. I don't want to name these doctors/clinics here (because I wouldn't want them to find out that they're being blogged about), but if anyone wants to know names, feel free to email me. (And anyone in NYC that's familiar with its REs can probably make a good guess who they are based on the descriptions below.)

RE#1: With a respected fertility clinic associated with a major university. Definitely top 5 for IVF success rates in the city (top 1 or 2 depending on the age group). I'll call him Dr. University

RE#2: With a large and respected fertility clinic NOT associated with a university. Also top 5, or top 1 or 2 depending on the age group. We'll call him Dr. Big Time

RE#3: A fairly new NY clinic that is associated with a well-known clinic not in NY. In top 5 depending on the age group, but also not in top 5 in some age groups. They are known for testing for and treating immunity issues. We'll call him Dr. Immunity.

Let's start with Dr. University. Nice guy. Really obsessed with his clinic's awesome success rates. And why not? They're top notch. Two big drawbacks: First, really far from the subway (I know, I know, this seems like a silly thing, but since I'm going to have to be going there A LOT, and this is going to mean it will take me about an hour and a half to get there with that long walk tacked onto the subway ride, which is of course 3 hours round trip, plus the time actually spent at the clinic, I just don't know if I can find almost 4 hours to go there every time...), and, second, they don't offer an IVF refund plan (more on that below).

Okay, Dr. Big Time. Another nice guy, although a fast talker, but also very optimistic, which I liked. He advises us when we tell him that we also have an appointment with Dr. Immunity that Dr. Immunity is not in the same league as they are. Describes how their lab is a "clean room" just like where they make microchips, and that they had to close down a major avenue in Manhattan and use a crane to deliver and install their lab's air system. This impresses me, but probably impresses hubby even more. Hubby says "Well, we'll probably cancel that appointment" (but we didn't). Plus: they have a refund plan. Plus: they are close to the subway. They also have us speak to an IVF coordinator and a financial coordinator, who both are very professional and helpful. Drawbacks: none, really. Their success rates are not quite as phenomenal as Dr. University's, but really the difference is minor.

Finally, Dr. Immunity. Nice, soft spoken, maybe a little too soft spoken. They also have a refund plan, and are close to the subway. Big drawback: IVF success rates are all over the place. Also, as stated above, Dr. Big Time doesn't have much respect for them. But big "plus": immunity testing.

So, about immunity testing. As you may or may not know, so far no one has found ANYTHING wrong with either me or hubs. We have both passed all our tests with flying colors. The only thing is that I have had some symptoms of endometriosis (more on that here, if you care to know). But I asked all 3 IVF docs about this and every one of them said that if they can't see it on an ultrasound or HSG, then it's probably not a problem. So why the F can't we get pregnant? I'd love to have an answer (although I'm also afraid of an answer), and so immunity testing sounds good.

Also, about the refund plans. Hubs and I are leaning toward doing a 3 cycle refund plan. Basically, you pay for 3 cycles (at a discounted rate) up front and get a (fairly large) portion of your money returned if you are not successful. Hubs is way behind this, for some reason. I'm going back and forth over it. Part of me thinks it's rather pessimistic of me to think that I might not get pregnant after 3 IVF cycles (I've heard that 85-95% are pregnant and deliver a baby after 3 IVF cycles), but at the same time, if we'd already shelled out the money, and the first cycle fails, I'm thinking it won't be as big of a letdown if I know that I can try 2 more times (plus up to 3 FET cycles, too). Also, statistics are such that I know the majority of women do NOT get pregnant after the first cycle (the clinics I've been to have about a 42-44% success rate for my age group, meaning that 66-68% of women DON'T get pregnant each cycle, thus most women will require more than one cycle of IVF). Anyway, we haven't decided yet, so I'll probably write a longer post on this subject later.

We are leaning towards Dr. Big Time. If we go with him, I would start my BCP cycle in early/mid June and my IVF cycle in early/mid July.

But first we are going to do all the tests recommended by Dr. Immunity. Just to see. So, I had my first test today, which was not an immunity test, but a fluid ultrasound to look for fibroids/polyps, etc. in my uterus (which, if present, I understand could cause implantation problems). Results: all clear!

Next are blood tests.

Here is what they are testing the hubs for:

HLA phenotype panel
Hepatitis B surface ag
Hepatitis B total core antibody
Hepatitis C Ab
HIV I and II
HTLV I and II
RPR/VDRL
CMV IGM
CMV IGG
GC / Chlamydia-Urine Aptima

Here is what they are testing me for:

HLA phenotype panel
NK Activation with IVIg
Hepatitis B surface antigen
Hepatitis B total core antibody
Hepatitis C Ab
HIV I and II
HTLV I and II
RPR/VDRL
Type and screen
CMV IGM
CMV IGG
Cystic Fibrosis
GC / Chlamydia-Urine Aptima
Rubella Titer
CBC
Activated Protein C Resistance
Protein C Activity
Protein S Activity
Prothrombin 20210 Mutation
MTHFR
Fasting plasma Homocysteine level (Cardiac)
Factor V Leiden (DNA)
Anti-thrombin III activity
Lupus Anticoagulant
Plaminogen Activator Inhibitor - 1 (Activity)
Anti-Cardiolipin IgG, IgM, IgA
Beta-2 Glycoprotein IgG, IgM
Phosphatidylserine IgG, IgM

Phew! Geez!

Dear Movie Theater Ticket Taker

2010-05-09T22:29:00.004-04:00

Dear Movie Theater Ticket Taker -

You wished me a happy Mother's Day when you tore my ticket today. All I could think of to say was "thank you." But afterwards I thought, "Does he assume that I'm a mother because I look past the age that I should have popped out a few by now?" and it made me feel old. Then I thought, "Does he say that to all women on Mother's Day?" and it made me feel not so special anymore. Then I thought, "Does he know something that I don't know?" and it gave me a little thrill. And then I thought, "Don't go reading into every little thing, missy," and I tried not to think about it anymore. Then I thought, "That's what it sounds like to hear someone wish me a happy Mother's Day," and I wondered if I would ever hear those words spoken to me again.

If that turns out to be the only time, then, once again, thank you, Movie Theater Ticket Taker. I will always remember you.

Jane

P.S. We really liked Iron Man 2.

Previously on TTC Hopeful

2010-05-08T17:22:00.005-04:00

Okay, to catch you up on where I was in March. Our last IUI (#4) went pretty awesomely. A nice 9mm lining, 4 decent sized follies, some good swimmers. I was so hopeful. And I knew it was our last chance at IUI - our next step was IVF and tens of thousands of dollars.

So, anyway, yeah, went awesome. Until that stupid beta.

And, like I said in my last post before my break, that kinda put me in a bad place. Now, I'm usually not a crier. Before starting TTC I cried maybe once a year. If that. And when I do cry, it's very dignified. A single tear, maybe two. A muted inhalation, perhaps, but never a sob. But after that last BFN? Sobbing so hard that I began to hyperventilate, get lightheaded, and consciously tell myself to calm the f down before DH called 911. Like I said, bad place.

So after that I didn't want to talk about TTC, read about TTC, or even think about TTC. Like ever again. Okay... for at least a month. So that's what I did. Or, um, didn't do.

Luckily, I have hobbies. Very time consuming hobbies, actually (I'm considering writing some blog posts about my hobbies at some point... so make sure you're all on the edges of your seats!). So, I dove head first into those and started to wonder how I had ever had time to go to the RE 2 or 3 times a week. Sheesh!

And, I'm not going to guarantee that everyone will have the same break results that I did... but... it went back to the way it used to be. Yes, you heard that right. Don't we all say that we wish things could be the way they were before we started TTC? Back when it was just us and our hubbies and we were content that way?

I GOT IT BACK.

I remember before we saw the RE for the first time how much I was looking forward to a doctor taking over my care so I could stop the temping and the OPKing and the running the show all by myself. But it turned out to be so much more stressful, with the wanding and the blood draws and the injections... and I have to say that it is such a relief to be back temping and OPKing. A relief, I tell you! I feel like I could do this forever. But, we don't have forever, and so it looks like we'll have 3 cycles of trying naturally before we start down the IVF path (we're getting towards the end of cycle #2 right now), and I'm happy that we'll have those 3 shots at doing this on our own, but, honestly, I don't have a lot of hope. And since I don't have a lot of hope, I'm not getting my hopes up.

And so instead, I'm just relaxing.

What?

That's right. I'm terribly relaxed about the whole thing right now.

So, it's like the way it used to be, before we started TTC. But we're still, technically, TTC.

It's brilliant.

Except that there is, like, a 99% chance that we'll still have to do IVF.

Oh, well.

So, in summary: breaks are good, and you CAN have it back.

Take that, infertility!

My Vacation Story: Part 2

2010-05-06T09:27:00.003-04:00

Once we decided on Key West everything else fell into place pretty easily. Hotel? Check. Flight? Check. Ummm... okay, that's it!

The island is only a mile and a half wide and about 4 miles long, so we really didn't need to plan anything ahead of time. We figured we'd stumble upon the interesting stuff just by walking around.

We came in on an evening flight and grabbed a bite to eat at the beachfront restaurant next to our hotel. They were closing up at 10, so we just ordered appetizers and a couple beers. We then decided to take a walk up Duval Street to relax and stretch our legs. A block or two up we saw a crowded open-air restaurant/bar. Oh! If we'd known we could've come here for dinner and drinks! Then, a half block later, another one. And another one. And ten more. And, ummm... I thought this was a sleepy little beach town?

Okay, don't laugh all those who have been to Key West before. We didn't know!

All those who don't know anything about Key West: it is a party town. A loud drunken party town.

And just like any respectable touristy party town it had tacky T-shirt shops galore all up and down Duval. My favorites: "I got Duval faced on Shit Street" (does it get more poignant than that?) and "I'm not drunk, I'm just naturally a loud, clumsy, friendly person" (Oh! The insight!). I am easily amused.

Anyway, we proceeded to avoid this aspect of Key West as much as possible, which was kinda easy since we got up early and went to bed early like old people.

Instead, we concentrated on Key West's historical sites, and enjoying a wonderful little thing we like to call "physical exercise"! We visited Hemingway's house, the Customs House, the Lighthouse, and we took a trolley tour. We went kayaking, snorkeling, swimming, and did the glass bottom boat tour (word of warning: glass bottom boat=horribly sea sick). We also rented bikes for a day.

And, we visited the Key West farmers market! Which... was just one table. But it was a table filled with an abundance of tomatoes, zucchini, and all sorts of stuff we won't be seeing here until July or August. And they told us that this would be the last farmers market of the season: their growing season ends in April! I love finding out about the odd little regional differences in farmers markets around the country (for example, they sell snow cones at the Reno farmers market. Which would so not fly in NYC).

All in all we had an amazing time. We found that most activities were very affordable, but that ALL of the "guides" would ask very humbly for tips at the end. But only after giving AMAZING service, of course. An example: on our kayaking tour, our guide at one point spotted something in the water, DOVE in head first, came up with a conch shell in hand, and passed it around so we could all admire the cute little conch creature inside. Wow! Every guide had an endless stream of warm and witty banter. Every tour they gave seemed like it was given just for us. They were all knowledgeable, friendly, and funny! That said, we tended to tip generously and I began to see what their angle was. Low prices up front, knock-your-socks-off service, and humble requests for tips that probably produced windfalls for them at the end. Brilliant. Hats off.

One last thing. Apparently, there ain't no party like the Key West party 'cause the Key West party don't stop. I counted about 5 visibly drunk people on our flight out. Visibly because they were stumbling and slurring but also because they, separately, had to each be told that no, they couldn't bring their drinks from the airport bar onto the plane, and so I watched as each one chugged said drink and then deposited it in the trash before being allowed to board the plane. Oh, and one of them was wearing a T-shirt that said "I'm not drunk, I'm just naturally a loud, clumsy, friendly person."

Key West out.

My Vacation Story: Part 1

2010-04-27T21:13:00.003-04:00

Hubs and I both wanted to get away for a few days, but the truth is we are just not vacationers. I don't mind moving, strangely enough (Pack up all our stuff in a U-Haul and relocate to the other side of the country? I'm in!), but vacationing, mmmm, not so much (Ugh, I have to pack a suitcase? But I have so much work I need to do! And who's going to take care of the dog? Do we have to go?). But, I guess we wanted to try it out. We see other people vacationing and raving about it, so why not us?

I didn't really want a sit-on-your-ass vacation though, so when I saw a blurb on the ol' internetz that had a picture of a couple on mountain bikes in the desert I was like "oooooohhhh... maybe a vacation could be good after all..." It was a resort in Arizona. They said they had miles of bike trails. I put in some random dates in May to get a quote. For a 9 day stay it quoted $890, which was just under $100 a night. Not bad, I thought.

Meanwhile, the hubs was looking at Key West, another idea we were mulling over. He had found a hotel right off the beach that was $115 a night. There was a bar right on the beach. There were pictures of people drinking Pina Coladas in beach chairs. Oh, my. Key West is a tiny little place and we wouldn't have to rent a car. Bonus! But I then saw that the place in Arizona would pick us up at the airport, so no rental car there either! Another bonus!

This was shaping up as quite the competition. Pina Coladas or mountain biking?

Key West had snorkeling.

Arizona had a complimentary spa (what?!).

Key West had kayaking.

Arizona had all meals included. Gourmet meals. Ummm... you're kidding, right?

For $100 a night all meals were included? Did I happen to enter in dates during the off-est of their off season? Was that a sale price? Arizona was starting to sound like a *really good deal*.

Hubs decided to put in some real dates (there was no way we would be able to go away for 9 whole days). So he put in a more realistic time frame: 5 nights. Their quoted price came back at... $890. Again.

And then I realized what was going on.

Arizona was $890 A NIGHT.

Anyway, we went to Key West.

Quick Update

2010-04-25T20:48:00.002-04:00

Since I last posted:

I turned 35 (ugh.)
Hubby and I took an amazing vacation (more on that later...)
We've been seen at 2 different IVF clinics (one more to go next week)
I remembered that I have ambitions other than having children (phew!)
We got another BFN (natural cycle)

Overall I'm feeling positive. I'm trying to stay patient and hopeful. I am trying to continue cultivating all my interests and activities, and to be happy with all the wonderful opportunities that life presents, even to the childless.

Oh, and a big thank you to everyone for all of your supportive comments - they warmed and continue to warm my heart!

Trying to Get My Life Back

2010-03-17T10:14:00.003-04:00

I would like to apologize. I have not been blogging, but neither have I been commenting. I've still been reading, and so I know I'm not the only one out there who's gotten a BFN over the last few weeks, and although I'm still feeling the love through all of your warm and wonderful comments (thank you!), I haven't been returning that love, and I'm sorry.

So here's the thing. Yes, this most recent BFN hit me hard. I felt very positive this past cycle, and I knew that would get me in the end. When I get my hopes up, I don't take the inevitable BFN very well. I do much better when my hopes are tempered a bit. And this past cycle, even though I tried to think long term and not be so emotionally invested in the outcome of this one cycle, I couldn't help but think "this one's going to be it." Whether it was because the cycle went very smoothly (especially when compared to my other cycles) or whether it was because it was our last cycle before IVF, I don't know.

Anyway, the BFN hit me hard, but it kind of hit me in places I didn't expect it to hit me. Usually I get sad and sulky and all "when is this going to work already?" But this time the questions I was asking myself (and my poor DH) were much darker, along the lines of "what does my life mean if I can't have children?" and "how can I have f-ed up my life so badly?" I have truly felt like I hit a brick wall, as if my life was going along fairly smoothly but now I realize that somewhere I took a wrong turn and I'm at a dead end. And I can't go back.

Although I'm feeling better than I was a few days ago, I've realized that if I'm going to get over this wall, I need to get back in touch with the things in my life that are not TTC related. I've thrown all my strength and determination and hopes and time into this TTC project to the point where if it doesn't work I'm afraid of the life I'm going to discover I'm left with on the other side. Also, if we are successful, I don't want to be a desperate inconsolable crazy person going into it.

I need to find some balance. I need to pull myself together. I need to feel good about myself with or without a pregnancy, with or without children.

And I think part of that is taking a break from blogging and commenting. So much of my day to day life was revolving around things TTC related that I had lost my life beyond it. I mean, I still had a life outside of it, but I was only going through the motions and it held no meaning to me. The only thing that would hold any meaning to me was a BFP. And, well, that's just unhealthy. Whether I end up getting the BFP or not, I don't want to have that as the only thing in my life that will bring me any pleasure. That's just too sad and pathetic, and I don't want to be that person.

So, I'm pulling back.

Because I'm switching clinics for IVF, we probably won't cycle again until May, so I'm going to take this time and devote it to non-TTC related things. Just in the last few days I've already been able to rediscover some really rewarding things in my life. I'm going to continue on that path, and hopefully when we're back to cycling in May, I will be a much more grounded and emotionally stable person.

Again, I want to thank everyone for all their support. Your wonderful comments remind me that I'm not alone, and that means so much to me. Thank you!

BFN

2010-03-12T20:11:00.002-05:00

No more IUIs. IVF is next.

I'm having a hard time. I'm in a dark place right now.

I will probably take a break from blogging for a while.

I just want to have a family... why does it have to be so hard?

Husbands. Can't Get Pregnant With Them. Can't Get Pregnant Without Them.

2010-02-26T10:22:00.005-05:00

An Open Letter to All Husbands Undergoing IF Treatments with Their Wives

Dear Husbands-

First of all, we love you. We know you don't want to be going through this any more than we do. We appreciate your support, your calm, your patience and kindness, and your ability to have hope even when we have none.

Having said that, we need you to take this as seriously as we do. Your sympathy for us when we are subjecting ourselves to daily injections and almost daily wandings and blood draws is appreciated, but what we really need you to do is take an active role in this journey. And what we mean by that is we need you to take your contribution seriously. Because although maybe sometimes it seems like we're doing this all without you, like maybe we can do it all without you, we can't. We need you. And your "contribution."

So when that time of the cycle comes around (you know the time we're talking about), you need to do what it takes to get the job done. We know that the pressure affects you. That's why we try to be so nonchalant about it when it comes your time to contribute. But we're not nonchalant on the inside. Oh, no. Inside, we're freaking out. Because you're watching sports on TV. Or you're going out for a drink with your buddies. Or you're just generally distracted and not on task like you need to be.

And when there's an IUI involved, precise timing is kind of important. When the doctor tells us to be there at a certain time, we would appreciate it if you took that seriously. But we will not bug you about it. Because we're afraid to stress you out, because we know that could affect your performance. And when you sit around wasting time instead of doing the things that need to be done before we leave for the IUI (like walking the dog, and moving the car for street cleaning), we will offer to do those things for you. We will quietly seethe inside and wish we had husbands that gave a damn about procreating, but we will smile and say, "I think we'd better get going pretty soon, don't you, honey?" And when we get to the appointment 30 minutes late and you say, "I'm sure it will be fine," we'll nod and agree, while inside we are screaming.

And when the IUI is over, and both of us have successfully performed our respective duties, you in a couple of minutes in that backroom we've never seen, and us over the last 2 weeks, injecting ourselves, getting ourselves to early morning appointments, tracking everything with precision, dealing with the insurance company and the mail order pharmacy, and researching all our treatment options on the internet, don't be surprised when we refuse to walk the dog, or to move the car. And don't be surprised when we say that these things are now your job and the least you can do. Because this is a partnership, and even if you don't act like it is sometimes, we will gently cajole you into your role as dutiful and attentive husband. Because we love you. And we're in this together.

Sincerely,

IF Wives Everywhere (but especially this wife, right here, at TTC Hopeful)

The Post Where I Prove That You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

2010-02-22T21:59:00.003-05:00

My estrogen on Friday was 226. Today? 1297.
I have 4 follies in the running: 17.3, 17, 15.9, 15.7
Trigger is tonight, IUI tomorrow morning. Apparently my RE thinks I'm ready to pop.
Lining: a fluffy 9.1mm (Egg, that one's just for you!)
Last, but definitely not least, while talking to the infamous Dr. "Young" about possible scenarios based on the results of my b/w, he said, and this is more or less verbatim: "Depending on your bloodwork, I may instruct you to have intercourse tonight, just in case you ovulate earlier than we think, that way we can make sure that the sperm is waiting there for the eggs, with their fangs out, ready to go!" And when he said "with their fangs out" he made fang gestures with his hands, like he was ready to pounce. And while he was saying this, and making those fang gestures with his hands, I was thinking to myself, "Put it on your blog. Put it on your blog. You so have to put this on your blog." And so here it is, on my blog: My RE. Making fang gestures with his hands, pretending he is my husband's sperm, ready to pounce on my eggs.
And I so hope he does my IUI tomorrow. Because I think he's got more to say. And I have a blog. So maybe we're a good match, after all, me and my RE.

The Post Where I Totally Over Analyze Everything And Then Blame It On My Ovaries

2010-02-21T18:35:00.004-05:00

I would love it if I could stop second guessing my RE. No, let me rephrase that, I would love it if I didn't have to second guess my RE. Because apparently I do. Or I think I do. Or I'm on 225iu/gonal-f a day and my ovaries have now taken control, think they're in charge, and think they know a thing or two. And this is what my ovaries are thinking about:

Let's review my last cycle, IUI#3. The one where I stimmed for, wait, let me refer to FF... 15 days (!!), and didn't have the IUI until CD21 (!!). The one where I was on 75iu of gonal-f for all but the last 3 days, when they finally upped me to 112.5iu/day. And the whole time they were saying "it's fine, things are going great, no, it's not too slow," while I was like "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, GROW, FOLLIES, GROW" (see this post).

This cycle, IUI#4, I started at 75iu/day for the first 7 days, then was increased to 150iu/day for 2 days, now we've gone to the ovary-exploding 225iu/day for 3 days, and we'll see if my reproductive system is still in one piece at the u/s tomorrow.

Having gone to a higher dosage much more quickly this cycle, and based on the fact that all I heard last cycle was that everything was fine, nothing to be concerned about, etc, etc, you'd think that this cycle was going even slower than last cycle, and that they really wanted to kick start it. Nope. Let's just see the 2 cycles together, shall we:

IUI#3:
CD9: Biggest follie 11.5; Lining 6.5; Estrogen 132
CD12: Biggest follie 13.5; Lining 9; Estrogen 169
CD14: Biggest follie 14.3; Lining 9; Estrogen 277
CD 16: Biggest follie 15.4; Lining 9; Estrogen 295
CD19: Biggest follie 24; Lining 9; Estrogen 613

IUI#4
CD7: Biggest follie 13.6; Lining 5.5; Estrogen 126
CD9: Biggest follie 12.6; Lining 6; Estrogen 167 (don't know why biggest follie is now smaller than on CD7)
CD11: Biggest follie 14.5; Lining 8.9; Estrogen 226
CD14: Tomorrow

My estrogen was higher (226) on CD11 this cycle than on CD12 last cycle (169). My biggest follie was bigger (14.5) on CD11 this cycle than on CD12 last cycle (13.5), yet last cycle on CD12 my RE said things were going great and to stay at 75iu/day (see this post), and on this cycle on CD11 with everything higher my RE took me up to 225iu/day.

You know, this is like a code that I don't have the key for. I really have no idea what the above means except that I am not pregnant and therefore somebody needs to work harder. And obviously my ovaries think it's them. Since they're the ones who are over analyzing all this. Not me.

Okay, it is me.

The Post Where I Totally Overshare About a Subject Which Is Best Kept Between Husbands and Wives

2010-02-20T19:30:00.004-05:00

Okay, I'm just going to put it out there, at the risk of getting the internet equivalent of chirping crickets, but I'm okay with that, because maybe I'm the only one that experiences this, and if that's the case, I'm just going to accept that this is how I am.

Fertility treatments make me... ummmm... more interested in... you know... hanging out with DH... in that way.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with making babies.

It starts about 5 days before IUI day. You, know, about the time when things really start to get going... down there. And it always starts with the inappropriate dreams. Okay, now I'm oversharing.

I've never been a super libidinous person. And s.e.x was always tied very closely with love and affection, meaning it was not a physical desire as much as an emotional one.

Oh, but this is different.

I'm starting to think this is how it must feel to be a guy.

And my poor DH, I'm not sure he knows what to make of it.

I don't know what it is, the extra estrogen, all those follies brewing inside me, but the injectable cycles do it, and the femara cycle, too. (The clomid cycles? Nope, nothing.)

So there it is. I'm not complaining. DH is not complaining.

It's like a little bonus.

So Long Ovaries

2010-02-19T16:45:00.004-05:00

So apparently the RE wants my ovaries to explode.

Based on my estrogen (226) and the size of my follies (biggest is 14.5), they're upping my gonal-f to 225/day for the next 3 days.

I may not have ovaries by the time of my u/s Monday morning.

I think my RE is craaaaazy.

Okay, probably, it's me.

I don't care anymore. I will follow instructions. Whatever.

Onward!

Breaking Up With IUI Is Hard to Do

2010-02-17T22:59:00.003-05:00

What cycle day am I on again? I'm so not up on my cycle this time.

(Is this going with the flow or is this giving up?)

Here's a brief rundown of my cycle so far:

Monday (after 5 days at 75iu gonal-f): Lining 5.5mm; 3 follies on left: 17.7mm (RE says this is likely a leftover from last cycle), 13.6mm, 10.0mm; 1 on right: 12.6mm. Estrogen 126.

Wednesday (after 7 days at 75iu gonal-f): Lining 6.0mm; 3 follies on left: 17.8mm (leftover), 12.6mm, 10.6mm; 2 on right: 11.6mm, 11mm; Estrogen 167.

RE said my estrogen was not increasing enough, put me on estrogen patch, increased gonal to 150iu, back on Friday.

So, that's where I am. I'm trying really really hard to stop second guessing my RE. It's a bad habit that I've gotten myself into. I'm back on the estrogen patches now. As you may recall, I'm the one who talked the RE into putting me on them last cycle, then talked my RE into taking me off them for the start of this cycle. I think I'm just going to try to let them make the decisions from now on. You know, since they're the ones with the medical degrees. Kind of makes sense I think.

Honestly, I'm not thinking much about this cycle. I'm thinking about IVF, because most likely that's where we're headed. Here are the reasons I'm not looking forward to IVF:

Cost (duh). We have the money, so I know this is not as big of an issue for us as it is for many many other couples. I am thankful for that, and I know the decision to move forward with IVF would be much more difficult if we had to go into debt for it. So, although I'm not looking forward to spending all this money, especially when fertile couples can get knocked up for less money than it takes them to not get knocked up, we are not losing sleep over the cost.
I think I have to tell my parents. The way I figure it, I'm going to want them to know that we tried IVF whether we're successful or not, and so I'd rather have them aware while it's going on, and maybe have their emotional support. I have to admit that giving them (or not giving them) grandchildren is a big weight on me. I have one sibling, an older brother, and although he is married, they've told me that they aren't interested in children. My brother is 2 years older than me, but his wife is 10 years younger than he is (she's 26), so I figure there's a possibility she'll change her mind. We all know about how that biological clock that we couldn't even hear in our 20s gets deafeningly loud once we hit our 30s. But I also think there's a good chance that they'll stick with their decision to live child-free. In which case it's all on me. So, if we're unsuccessful, I want to make sure that my parents know that we are not child-free by choice, that we did try to give them grandchildren. And if we are successful, I don't want the fact that we conceived through IVF to be some sort of deep dark secret, so we might as well let them in on it right away. Having said that, my parents are very private people, as am I, and this is a conversation that I imagine will be awkward for everyone.
I'm going to be switching REs after this IUI cycle. The RE I'm seeing now has pretty abysmal IVF success rates. Like, really really bad. I've stuck with them for the IUIs mostly because they are in-network with my insurance and so my bloodwork, ultrasounds, and consults have all been covered, and I don't have out of network coverage. But I live in NYC, and there are some excellent fertility clinics here with some of the best success rates in the country/world. And the 2 best, the 2 that we're most seriously considering, do not accept insurance. But once we're on to IVF, where we're having to pay out of pocket for everything anyway, we're definitely going to be switching. But I'm really nervous about a) learning the ropes at a new RE and b) getting my medical records from my current RE without drama.
Finally, with IVF's higher chance of success comes a higher chance of complete emotional devastation if it fails.

Of course there are many reasons to look forward to IVF, too:

Higher success rates
Higher success rates
Higher success rates

CD6, Best Laid Plans...

2010-02-14T18:39:00.003-05:00

Here's my problem. I get a little bit goal oriented sometimes.

Now, I'm totally not a Type A person. I'm Type B through and through. I'm easy going, laid back, my house is a mess, my bills get paid late, I'd rather stay at home on a Saturday than run around town. But give me something that I really want to accomplish, and it's like I have multiple personality disorder and I go from Dr. Easy-Going to Ms. Right-Now.

I didn't actually discover this aspect of myself until I entered the "workforce" after college and started doing computer programming. I'm not a real computer programmer, but I know enough to get jobs that required some programming skills along with decent communication skills. When working on a project I would get a little bit of tunnel vision - the fact that I could see whatever it was I was trying to program so clearly in its completed state meant that every minute the project was not in that completed state it felt not only unfinished, but somehow "broken," and I couldn't rest until it was "fixed." I would come into work and sit at my desk from 9 in the morning until 9 at night, usually without a lunch or dinner break, just staring at the screen and working.

It's just gotten worse and worse over the years because I've also discovered that I really enjoy working this way. I much prefer a big, detailed and time-consuming project requiring extreme concentration than multi-tasking multiple small projects. I often think I could have been a really good air traffic controller.

So what does this have to do with TTC?

You guessed it. It's my project, and I think I've gotten a little too goal oriented.

When we started TTC, the very first month we used OPKs. Within 3 months I was charting. At 6 months I was at my OB/GYN, and when he didn't give me the answers I wanted, I went straight to the RE. That means I was already at ART by 7 months, whereas I know most women under 35 are instructed to try for at least a year (of course my 35th birthday was coming up fast by then).

So here I am. Project not complete. And staring down IVF.

No one's ever given me the "just relax" line, probably because no one knows that we're even trying, but I tell myself that all the time. I feel this pent up well of energy whose only relief will be a BFP. Until then I feel like I can't relax, not even for a second. I'm hyper-vigilant about every little detail of my cycles and my treatments, and I get so disappointed when it's not all going according to plan.

I kind of figured that I'd be on a break this cycle due to cysts/leftover follicles and was surprised when they gave me the green light for IUI #4. I was actually looking forward to an enforced break cycle so I could spend less of my time analyzing and over-analyzing.

And then I think forward to IVF... and if I'm hyper-vigilant now, I don't even want to think about how I'll be when the stakes are so much higher financially and emotionally. I'm not looking forward to that at all, and I'm wondering if we should take a break after this IUI. I'd love to get in a little vacation... somewhere inexpensive, warm, relaxing. Florida? Arizona? (I'd love Mexico but I think that would be too expensive.)

CD5, Bring It On. Again.

2010-02-13T14:34:00.003-05:00

The day after my early (12dpIUI) beta and subsequent BFN, I woke up feeling like my uterus and actually most of my reproductive organs were going to explode. Thinking AF was still 2 days away I chalked it up to my being "broken" and "probably unfixable" but turns out AF decided to not make me wait any longer for her arrival. That means a shorter than usual LP for me of only 12 days (usually I'm 14 or even 15, with or without progesterone).

And so it was back to the RE early Wednesday morning for my CD2 b/w and u/s. I thought for sure with 14 days of stims last cycle I'd have something bad in there that would bench me this cycle, but the RE said I was good to go.

So I've now started my fourth IUI cycle.

My main agenda when meeting with the RE was to make sure that I get more than one follicle this cycle. That was a big disappointment for me last cycle. If you're on injectable meds and only get one mature follicle, are your chances any greater than they would be just on a regular cycle where you ovulate on your own? I'm thinking no, or not much anyway. And so I really really really want this last IUI to be perfect. I know I can produce follicles, as shown during my first injectable cycle (I ended up with 9 good-sized contenders). This time I'd like 3, maybe even 4. So, I talked to the RE about how on my first injectable cycle I had too many follicles, and on my 2nd too few, and how I'd really like to fall somewhere in between this time.

She totally heard me and agreed with me.

And then she told me to start on the same dosage as I did last cycle.

What?

She said that we can always go to a higher dosage if needed.

Okay, I don't have a medical degree, but here's what I was thinking: start me on a higher dosage, just for a few days, in order to make sure we get a few growing at a good pace, and then lower it so they don't mature too fast and so we don't get too many. But, what do I know?

She also wanted to put me on the estrogen patches again. As you may recall I had to fight for them last cycle. I thought they might help my lining but Dr. "Young" did not. He eventually gave in to me and I felt... unsure that I should be pressuring my doctor into treatments that he didn't support. Anyway, turned out that with the estrogen patches my lining was 6.5 at CD9, which was the same as it was the cycle before. The difference last cycle was that I didn't end up triggering until CD20, and by then it had grown to a healthy 9.5. So, anyway, she wanted me to do the estrogen patches again, and I said, "Well, the extra time seemed to help my lining more than the estrogen patches. Both cycles my lining was at 6.5 on CD9." And she said, "Good point," and told me not to do the estrogen patches after all. Am I paying more attention than they are?

Anyway. Here we go again.

13dpIUI, Third Time Not The Charm

2010-02-09T11:01:00.004-05:00

Nope. Negative. My RE seemed really surprised. Like really surprised. I don't know why he would be. I wasn't.

Okay, yes, I am feeling discouraged. Very discouraged. Am I hopeless? No. Am I hopeful? Well, not really. But I'm trying. Honestly, right now I'm a little numb.

I am committed to this process, though. We'll do another IUI, then probably straight on to IVF. I will see this through.

DH and I had a long talk yesterday. He is more hopeful than me. He said that he thought I would be pleasantly surprised. I said, "When? When am I going to pleasantly surprised?" He said we just had to keep trying.

So, we'll keep trying.

10dpIUI, What Dreams May Come

2010-02-06T15:34:00.004-05:00

I had my first BFP dream last night. And here I thought I was doing a good job of "not thinking about it." So, now I know how it feels to dream the BFP dream. And it lingers, too, doesn't it? Like a bad taste in your mouth for hours.

The dream was pretty simple. I took a test (and of course the test was weird looking, nothing like a real HPT, cuz, you know, it was a dream HPT) and I guess with the dream HPT the whole thing is supposed to turn pink to be positive, and it did, and I was excited, but what I felt, more than anything, was relief. Relief that it was finally over. And that I could finally get off this crazy IF ride. And then, this is the worst part, after the dream I lingered in this half conscious/half unconscious state (it was about 7am, I think, and I was already waking up a bit), and I was no longer dreaming, just groggy half-asleep thinking, and I was planning things in this half-asleep state: who to tell first, what I had to do next, etc. Then, when I finally fully woke up, I thought "wait a minute... that was a f---ing dream?!"

Yep, it was a dream all right.

But, I don't believe that this dream has anything to do with this cycle in particular, or with the fact that most likely I will be POAS tomorrow. I think that my subconscious mind just took advantage of an appropriate time to message me. Because my subconscious can't send texts. I wish it could. So it sends dreams. If the dream had been a text it would have said this:

"UR getting impatient and need 2 move on soon. For your sanity's sake."

Because as we all know, our subconscious is our sanity's safeguard.

My subconscious is advising me to get off this crazy ride asap. And I'm in agreement.

It's pretty clear to me that this IUI is not going to work. That was hard to type, but it's true. And the next one won't work either. I'm putting in the effort because I know it's the "proper" way to go about this. But I truly in my heart believe that we've always been heading to IVF, and that IVF is the only thing that might work for us. And, really, I'm not even convinced of that.

When we get to IVF we'll probably do up to 3 fresh and however many frozen cycles. Then, I think we're done.

We might look into adoption, but since DH is 50 now, I'm guessing that we'll be too old for most programs. I totally haven't looked into this, so maybe I'm wrong.

Most likely I guess we'll just go with the childfree living thing. It's all the rage in my circle of friends, anyway. As opposed to what I read here in the IF blogs, my friends are not popping out babies one after another. They are enjoying their careers and freedom. Many of my friends are still extremely single. We would fit right in.

I guess we'd travel around the world. Maybe we'd buy a vacation home somewhere warm (of course in this scenario we have a ton of childfree money). And we'd try not to think about what we're missing out on. Like helping our children with their homework, tucking them in at night, teaching them how to ride bicycles, making them smiley-face pancakes like my dad used to do, taking them camping, watching them grow up. Giving my parents grandchildren.

But I will think about it.

Tonight my subconscious is going to dream-text me "UR losing it! Get a grip! For your sanity's sake!"

I know, I know. Look, subconscious, I'm in the last few days of the 2ww - this is when one starts to question everything. Get back to me next week when I have another IUI under my belt and I'm ready to move on to the next cycle! Because we only have one more IUI to go before the big guns come out. Take that, infertility! We've got IVF coming your way!

9dpIUI, 2ww? What 2ww?

2010-02-05T23:43:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to post about. I'm trying really hard not to think about my "status." You know what I'm talking about. But here are the things I'm thinking about instead:

I'm turning 35 next month. Ouch!
When my OB/GYN gave me a clomid prescription after 6 months of failed TTC, I had no idea what it was. And he didn't explain anything. He just said, "Take this on days 3 to 7 of your cycle. This helps a lot of women get pregnant." It was DH that asked me later if it increased the chances of twins and I was like "I don't know." I had to google it to find out that it was an ovulation inducer. But I knew I was already ovulating on my own. I was so confused!
I'm probably going to have to do IVF. That's just how it is (okay, that's a little too close to thinking about my "status").
Do older childless women really seem to be generally more bitter than the average person, or am I projecting?
What happens to my fertility chart ticker when my cycle goes beyond 30 days?
Is it going to start snowing already, or what?

That's all I got.

Beta Monday (12dpIUI).

POAS... Sunday?

My First Blog Award. Thanks, Basic Girl!

2010-02-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

My first blog award! Is it weird that my eyes felt a little moist after I read Basic Girl's comment letting me know she bestowed little ol' me with this lovely award?

Thank you, Basic Girl!

She and I are both on our 3rd IUIs. And I'm pretty sure we're both getting BFPs this cycle (fingers crossed!).

The rules of this award are:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
Copy the award and place it in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you for this award.
Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
Nominate 7 bloggers.
Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

I feel like I am just overflowing with juicy tidbits about my life these days! So now that I've shared my obsessions in my last post, here are 7 interesting things about me:

I'm an Air Force brat. We moved every 2 or 3 years for the majority of my childhood and I've lived in 3 foreign countries. I loved it and I still sometimes wished I'd joined the military so I could've continued to live the lifestyle.
Although I love to move, and don't find it stressful at all (probably due to the way I grew up, obviously), I find vacationing more trouble than it's worth. DH and I haven't been on a vacation, except to visit family... um... ever. Wow, that sounds sad. But I'm hoping to get over it, because I love to experience new places, and moving every time I want go somewhere new is, well, a little impractical.
I'm not on Face.book. If I had said that out loud you would have heard a touch of pride in my voice. Because from what I hear, Face.book ruins lives.
I'm a total foodie, I love to cook, and I love fresh, local, seasonal produce.
I've owned the same car for over half my life (!!!). My parents bought it for me used when I was 16. I still drive it every day.
I watch Jon.and.Kate and 18 Kids.and.Count.ing. I DVR them and DH knows it, but I'm so ashamed that I refuse to watch them when he's home! We also DVR Lost (yay final season starts tomorrow!), House, Nip/Tuck, 30 Rock, The Office, American Idol (yes, we watch AI. And love it. And, no, we're not 13 year old girls.).
DH and I have been together almost 8 years, but we've been married less than a year. And yes, we started TTC before we got hitched. DH was really nervous about it, but I had a feeling that it wouldn't happen right away for us, and I wanted to have been TTCing seriously for a while before we were married so that we could move on to ART as soon as possible after we were married (which we did - my first RE appointment was the day after we got back from our honeymoon).

Phew! That was a lot about me.

Okay, now it's time to share the love!

I would like to nominate:

Infertility UGH! I think Nixy was my first "follower," and therefore she will always have a special place in my heart! She has some admirable bravery in her willingness to share insights into the effect of IF on her marriage.
Remember All the Way. I love A's positive attitude! You can count on A to see the silver lining in everything, even a BFN. How does she do it? Her sunny disposition and her amazing faith!
Circus Children. Circus Princess has a sparkling wit and style, and she and I and our DHs are virtually the same ages!
I Did, I Do, I Will. Speaking of sparkling wit, Shanny finds the humor in everything! She is so fun to read!
Banking on It. When faced with the many difficulties of IF, Melissa has amazing strength and optimism (that I am trying to emulate!).

The Impatient Optimist. Tio is so thoughtful and full of insights. And she lives in Australia, which is so cool!

Mission Motherhood. Al is a woman with a mission (hence the title of her blog), but she still has time to muse on all the randomness and funniness of IF and life.

Thanks, ladies, for all your amazing stories! And thanks again, Basic Girl!

3dpIUI, My Proof That There Are Other Things Going On In My Life Besides TTC

2010-01-30T14:13:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog I kind of thought I would stick to IF/TTC related stuff. Nobody wants to know about my life anyway, right?

But I loved A's post about her current obsessions, and also Egg's post that inspired it, and I started to think about what my current obsessions are.

At first I drew a complete blank. Because I'm obsessed with getting knocked up, and that's pretty much it.

And then a couple things popped into my head.

And then I realized, there are other things going on in my life!

And not only that, but I really should both acknowledge and embrace those things! Because the last thing I want is to be defined by IF.

So, without further ado, here are some of my current obsessions:

I just bought one of these juicers off etsy and I'm now totally obsessed with fresh squeezed OJ! And I love that I didn't have to buy something that plugs into the wall to get it - this is so 19th century!

Okay, I know this one is a little Olsen Twins, but I'm obsessed with slouchy cardigans! I'm a big believer in layering and slouchy sweaters are so comfy!

I'm totally addicted to decaf green tea. With honey and milk, I could drink this stuff all day! I'm trying to drink more water, and I think this totally counts (right?).

And finally... KenKen.

So, I'm a big bedtime reader. I love to get a chapter or two in before I fall asleep. And then one day, I don't remember what it was that possessed me to do it since I'd always scoffed at Sudoku (putting numbers in a grid - pshaw!), I bought a Sudoku book. It was one of those that has 4 sections: easy, medium, hard and really hard; and about 300 puzzles overall. I became obsessed. I gave up my nighttime reading and did Sudoku instead. And I couldn't do just one. At first, with the easier puzzles, I'd do 2 or 3 a night and they would take about 10 minutes each. Then, as they became more difficult they took longer to solve, and I was still doing 2 or 3 but they were each taking 30 minutes or more each and I was staying up an hour or more after DH went to sleep doing these puzzles. Well, I ended up getting through about three quarters of the book, and I had reached the really hard puzzles, where sometimes I would just stare at a puzzle for 10 or 15 minutes without making any progress at all. That's when I burnt out, and I put the Sudoku book away, and went back to reading.

Then, the New York Times started publishing KenKen. It's similar to Sudoku but involves basic arithmetic. I scoffed once again. Arithmetic! That sound like work! Until, about a month ago, I tried one. I'm hooked. I will not buy a book this time, though, lest, once again, puzzles take over my life! So I do them in the newspaper and that's it.

1dpIUI, 2ww, We Meet Again

2010-01-28T22:41:00.005-05:00

Highlights from my IUI:

I did not shave my legs for the IUI. I thought, f- it, this ain't no beauty contest. Bad decision. I was capital E Embarassed. Who knew?
Dr. "Young" looked at DH's "sample" count and said we could populate a small country (!).
He also told me this was my "best cycle yet" (wha-what?!)
After the IUI he asked me how I felt and I said "Good. But we'll see how I feel in 2 weeks" and then I realized I might have a bit of a bad attitude. I've got to work on that.
Dr. Young asked me if I wanted to test at home or come in for a beta. Wha-what? I said "I haven't been given that option before..." I think I looked so utterly confused that he just went ahead and scheduled the beta. 2 days early: Feb. 8th (CD12) (!).
We took a cab home. Good decision. Ah, luxury!
We took a nap when we got home. Best. Decision. Ever. Like a little bit of paradise in the middle of the day.

So, it's done.

Hello 2ww.

We meet again.

CD20, At Last My IUI Has Come Along

2010-01-26T10:24:00.003-05:00

My u/s yesterday showed that my biggest follie is now 24mm. So it grew from 15 to 24 over the weekend. Let me remind you that it took one week for it to go from 11 to 15. The only change was that starting on Friday I went from 75iu of gonal-f to 112.5iu per day, and I stopped the estrogen patches. And my estrogen is now at 613, which I'm liking a lot.

My RE (Dr. "Young" this time) was super extremely positive about it all.

Dr. Young: "It looks like things are going really well this cycle!"

Me: "Really?"

Dr. Young: "Yes, I think you had a really nice response and have some nice follicles."

Me: "Well, I really only have one follicle that's still in the game at this point, right?" (and yes, I really did say "in the game," and I liked it after I said it because I was imagining a little 24mm follicle with a football helmet running around the field all by itself with all the other littler follicles cheering it on from the sidelines. Anyway, I digress...)

Dr. Young: "Oh no, it looks like you have 2, maybe 3 more follicles at 12mm that could release mature eggs."

Me: "Ummm... okay. But it also took me a really long time to get to this point."

Dr. Young: "Sometimes that's how it works. But I think things look really good! Let's hope that this cycle is successful!"

Me: "Yep, that's what I'm hoping for." (Okay, I didn't say that because it would've sounded really sarcastic, but that's probably what I wanted to say.)

Oh, and at some point in that conversation he said that the 24mm looked like it was "ready to pop."

So the plan is IUI tomorrow morning! And finally, finally, finally I will be in that horrible interminable 2ww. Yay!?

CD16, All About My Follies

2010-01-22T20:55:00.008-05:00

Well. I cried in public today.

It feels like some sort of rite of passage.

What happened was that DH forgot that I was going to the RE this morning. Was not even on his radar. "Yes, DH, once again, I am going to get stuck with a needle, violated by a dildo cam, and probably told that my follies are still the same size they've been all week. But glad you're not letting it occupy you much."

Then, we met for lunch, and he forgot again that I had gone to the RE, and didn't even ask me about it!

So I proceeded to:

Accuse him of living in his own little world
Accuse him of not supporting me
Accuse him of not caring whether or not we ever have children

And then I cried.

Anyway, we made up eventually. Or at least I calmed down enough that he considers that we made up. Whatever.

Okay, on to follie news.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, GROW, FOLLIES, GROW!

What is it with my follicles this cycle? My biggest is 15.43 today. Wednesday it was 14.29, Monday 13.73, Friday 11.63. It's growing 1mm every 48 hrs. WTF? And after that one follie, there's not much else. Everything else has decided that 11m is some sort of follie paradise that they don't want to leave behind. If this cycle gives me just one follie, which by the way I can produce perfectly well on my own without 14 days of injectable fertility drugs, I might have to strangle my RE (Kidding! I'm just kidding. Mostly, that is. Okay, I'm not kidding at all. He'd better watch out.).

Last cycle, at double this dosage, I had 5 follicles between 15 and 16mm at CD9... It boggles the mind.

But, they've finally upped my gonal-f to 112.5iu/day now, and my lining has decided 9mm is just fine, thank you very much, and that's fine with me and my RE, too, so I'm stopping the estrogen patch tomorrow.

My estrogen went up to 277 (from 169) on Wednesday. But today it only went up a little more, to 295. Can't figure that one out, either.

And I go back Monday. For my 6th u/s this cycle.

yay.

CD13, Dude, Where's My Estrogen?

2010-01-19T13:13:00.005-05:00

My estrogen from yesterday's b/w came back and it's 169. My RE actually called me and left me a voicemail with this number, which he's never done before, so that got me worried and, of course, I started googling estrogen levels. From what I've found out it seems really low, especially for CD12, and especially with a Friday IUI.

In his voicemail my RE gave me the number and then said he was just confirming that I would be coming in on Wednesday for more monitoring. Um, I just saw him 5 hours ago, why does he need to confirm this? The only thing I can think, since he didn't mention the IUI, is that now, based on my low estrogen, he's rethinking the Friday IUI. Which I guess is good, although that would probably move the IUI to Monday, CD19, which seems really late (although in non-medicated cycles I often ovulate on CD18 or 20, so maybe this is actually more natural for me?).

Ugh. I hate this part, the week leading up to the IUI. Last cycle it was all that crazy octo.mom BS of too many follicles. I really wanted last cycle to have been a learning experience that would make this cycle absolutely perfect, with a lovely lining, a few nice sized follies and a well-timed IUI, but now it seems like maybe the gonal-f was too little this time? Or is there something wrong with me? When I saw the RE yesterday he was very positive and told me I had nice ovaries and was having a good response based on my follicles... but I'm just worried, worried, worried.

It's just that I'm tired of these IUIs. With only a 20% success rate (if that), and especially because now they're not completely covered by my insurance, it's starting to seem like we're throwing our money away. If they were covered by insurance, I might feel like we could just keep trying until finally we find the right amount of stims, but now I feel like it would be foolish of us to do more than one more IUI after this one. Which means I've been thinking a lot about IVF, to the point that maybe I've already given up on IUI mentally and emotionally, which makes it even more frustrating when things don't seem like they're going right.

It just makes me want to throw in the towel and get on with IVF.

Phew. Good to get that off my chest. I'm feeling more positive already. Funny how writing it all down helps, isn't it?

CD12, Grow Follies, Grow!

2010-01-18T14:57:00.003-05:00

Another RE appointment today. The big news is my lining is now 9mm! Dr. "Young" had many compliments for me on my thick and beautifully formed lining! So that takes care of goal #1 for this cycle (lining >8mm)!

The not so good news is that my follicles barely grew over the weekend. My biggest follicle on Friday was 11.6mm, and my biggest today was 13.5 (or so). The next biggest follies today were 10 or 11mm. I was really expecting to have some 14s or even 15s today. I asked Dr. Young if he thought they were growing too slowly and he said he didn't. He said he was very pleased with my response and thinks everything is looking really good, and that I should keep going with the same amount of gonal-f.

But, since apparently I need to see the negative in everything, I'm still very concerned. He wants to do the IUI on Friday and I'm just not convinced that we're going to meet my other 2 cycle goals (at least 3 mature follicles, and follicles being 18-20mm at trigger) with the IUI that soon. Since it took 72 hours for my biggest follicle to grow 2mm, if that rate keeps up then the lead follicle will barely be at 15mm when I trigger. Oh, and I also asked my RE how big they needed to be before we trigger (I have always heard 18-20mm, but I wanted to hear what his opinion was) and he said he was comfortable getting to 16mm. Now, I have to assume that this is because he's seen other women get pregnant with follicles that were that size, so I'm trying to put my trust in his experience... but I have to admit that I decided I'd do my injection early today. Technically I'm still following doctor's orders! It'll just give the gonal-f a little more time to work it's magic before we trigger.

And of course there's always the possibility that at my next u/s (Wednesday) he'll change his mind and decide to do the IUI Saturday. I can't imagine him wanting to wait to do the IUI until Monday, though (and they're closed on Sundays).

Geez! This is why I like the 2ww (at least the first week of it). You can relax and not have to worry about all this stuff!

CD9, My Advocate, Myself

2010-01-15T21:19:00.004-05:00

Today was my first u/s for this cycle, and so far so good. As of today I have 4 follicles on my right ovary and 6 on my left. The biggest ones on the right are at 8mm. On the left 2 are at 11mm and one is at 10.5. Last cycle on cycle day 9 I already had 5 follicles between 15mm and 16mm, so things are going a little slower this time. Which is good.

My lining last cycle on CD9 was 6.5. This cycle I convinced my RE to put me on estrogen, to "fluff" it up, even though he seemed to think it wouldn't do me much good. So today on CD 9, after 7 days of estrogen, my lining is...

wait for it...

6.5!

So, no change. Score one for the RE.

But, here's the thing: so my lining is the same as it was last cycle, but the big difference here is that last cycle I was told to trigger 36 hours after my lining was measured at 6.5 and then I had the IUI on CD12. This cycle, because my follies are growing more slowly, I have to go back on Monday, CD12, for another u/s, and my guess is my follies might still need a little more growing time. I'm guessing my IUI will be Friday, CD16, meaning my lining will have 4 more days to thicken than it did last cycle. And all I want is 8mm... so I'm hopeful.

Oh, and I saw the third RE today. Yes, the mysterious "third" RE. She is technically in charge of their egg donor program, so I don't think she consults with the infertiles much. I've only seen her once before. She's very nice. Anyway, she asked me about the gonal-f and I told her I'd started injections on day 4, that I was told to do 4 days of injections, and that my last injection had been Wednesday night.

"Wednesday night?" she said. "You didn't do an injection yesterday."

"No, I was told 4 days of injections, starting on day 4, so Wednesday was the 4th day of injections."

"That's not right. You should be doing injections every day. Well, it won't make a difference in the end, but you should do an injection every day."

Which, by the way, is exactly what I was thinking when Dr. Young told me "4 days of injections." He had given me these instructions before my period started. He told me to stop the BCP, and he predicted I'd either get my period on Thursday or Friday, and I knew that if I got my period on Thursday there would be a gap in injections. I thought it was weird, but I didn't really challenge him on it.

So after seeing the "third" RE today, I started thinking that maybe I'd misunderstood his directions. Maybe he never said to do injections for 4 days, maybe he'd just said start on day 4. But I really don't think it's possible that I misunderstood because I wrote down his instructions. He was giving me a lot of instructions that day and I kept repeating back to him what he was saying to make sure I understood and remembered, until finally he asked me if I wanted to write it down. So, what I wrote was:

Day 4 - gonal-f 75
5
6
7
Come back Jan 15th.

And I wrote it right in front of him.

Grrr... It just pisses me off because I thought it sounded wrong and yet I didn't say anything.

I must be my own advocate.
I must be my own advocate.
I must be my own advocate.

I'll get it eventually.

CD7, Insurance Basterds

2010-01-13T22:17:00.004-05:00

I cannot believe I'm about to write this super boring post, but I figure this is a big part of the IF experience, too, so I might as well take note of it.

Insurance woes!

(I'm going to try to keep this short.)

I'm a little worried about my insurance coverage.

2 weeks ago I was under the impression that we were fully covered for IUIs, and then I got a voicemail from my RE's office saying "can you please call us, we need to talk to you about your insurance." I got the voicemail at around 7pm, so I had to wait to call until the morning, and I couldn't believe how much agony I was in for those 12 hours. I thought for sure they were going to tell me that my insurance had cancelled me or something (how that would even be possible I don't know, but I was thinking worst case scenario). Turns out that I'm not covered for IUIs after all. Wait, what? I've already done 2 IUIs with you guys, and I spoke to someone in your billing department who told me "you're definitely covered, I checked twice to make sure." But now I'm not? Apparently now my insurance company is saying I'm not covered, I've never been covered, end of story. So, the good news is, it seems I'm covered for b/w and u/s and office visits. The bad news is the IUI itself is not covered, and it's $500. Which means as of right now I already owe them $1000, and in another week I'll owe another $500. Okay, not the end of the world, but certainly not good news.

Then today I opened a bill from the lab that processes my b/w. It was for $247 from a hcg/progesterone/beta test from 9/28/09. What? I've had a TON of b/w already and I've never been billed before. I then noticed in my drawer that I had a bill for a $20 copay from this same lab that I paid back in October, also for hcg/progesterone/beta, on 9/30/09. This one said that my insurance had covered it. Weird.

So, now I'm worried. And now I'm starting to think, maybe I'm actually not covered for anything... and maybe they just haven't been sending me the bills yet? Or maybe they've covered some of the b/w and u/s by mistake, and if I call about this bill it will alert them to the mistake and they'll tell me that I now have to pay for everything.

But, I couldn't just ignore the $247 bill, so I called the lab and asked why the b/w from 9/30 was covered, but the same b/w from 9/28 was not? They told me that they submitted the b/w that was not covered to my insurance company, and because my insurance was not "in network" with them, it was not covered. But the other b/w was submitted to my same insurance, but in a neighboring state (what?!) and that insurance company covered it.

WTF?

Anyway, she told me she would go ahead and resubmit the bill to the insurance company that covered the other one and I could, for now, ignore the current bill.

I am so confused. And worried. If we had to pay $247 every time for the b/w, that would be about $1000 each cycle, plus the $500 IUI. And if it turns out the u/s and doctor's appointments aren't covered either, we could be looking at $2500 a cycle, I'd say. At that point I would consider it no longer worth it to do IUIs. $2500 for a 15% success rate doesn't make sense when you could spend $10,000 for a 50% success rate. Right?

Ugh, I don't know what to do. I'm too afraid to call my insurance company and draw attention to myself in case they've been unwittingly covering things that aren't really covered.

This was a much longer post that what I'd planned. And even more boring than I'd thought it would be! Sorry!

In other news, my last shot of gonal-f (75iu) is tonight. No shot tomorrow and then RE Friday morning, and we'll see if these estrogen patches have "fluffed" (thanks to Such a Good Egg for that lovely way of phrasing it!) my lining to a nice pillowy thickness!

Oh, also, I realized that in my next to last post (the one about the changes I was making this cycle) I wrote "no alcohol until I'm knocked up." As if I will begin imbibing again as soon as I see that second line. Let me clarify: no alcohol until after I'm done making (or not making, as the caase may be) a baby(s). Now let's see how long I can stick to that one...

CD6, Honest to Blog

2010-01-12T13:56:00.003-05:00

I never thought I'd say this (and I really never thought I'd write it), but I heart blogging. If you'd asked me a year ago my opinion on blogging, I'd of said "I don't really get it." You know, the whole putting your life online for the world to see, your innermost thoughts now public, and the narcissism of thinking that anyone would actually read it... not something I really understood.

And then, after almost a year of BFNs, and after my first failed IUI, I got online looking for women who were going through the same thing that I was. And as soon as I saw that there were blogs out there, and that the women were struggling with their anger, their disappointment, their frustration, that they ranted and they raved about the unfairness of it all, and they philosophized about the meaning of it all, and they commiserated with one another, and they sent out "hugs" and "good lucks" and "I'm so sorrys" through their comments, and suddenly I knew that I needed to be a part of that world.

And so, I have officially replaced my infertility obsession with an infertility blog obsession!

No longer do I think "my RE is an incompetent fool and that sucks," now I think "I am SO going to blog about what an incompetent fool my RE is and how much that sucks!"

[exhale...]

I feel much better!

CD3, Ch-ch-ch-changes! Oh, and some goals, too.

2010-01-09T16:38:00.002-05:00

Today is CD3. Yesterday I put on my first estrogen patch. Tomorrow I start gonal-f. We're underway for IUI#3!

Okay, um, so that exclamation mark probably makes me sound super excited, but instead you should read that sentence with an air of hopeful desperation.

Because I'm tired of cycling.

"After 2 IUIs?" you say. "Humph! You've barely begun!"

I know. It's just... I've been around a lot of mothers with young children lately. They all look to be around my age and they all have 3-5 year olds. I feel like I missed my window. Why didn't we start trying earlier? DH and I have been together since I was 27. At 27, the last thing on my mind was kids. But 30 would've been a good time to start. But I wanted to enjoy my youth, and I didn't want to grow up. Now I'm 34. I'll be 35 in 3 months. And, God bless him, DH just turned 50. We need a baby, stat!

Anyway, I'm getting serious this time. I'm making some changes, and setting some goals. Here they are.

Changes for this cycle:
1) No alcohol until I'm knocked up. Before I was just refraining during the 2ww, but then I read this: IVF Couples Warned Over Drinking (and another article here). Basically, it says that in couples where both the man and woman drink up to four drinks a week, chances of conception are reduced by 26 percent (!). Although we're not doing IVF, I can't help but think this could be an issue for anyone TTC. I've also shown this to DH, since it seems to also affect him, and he's agreed to cut back (although he had 2 beers last night: grrr!)
2) No more tampons. I have read various opinions that tampons are associated with endometriosis and infertility. I'm not going to post any specific links because I don't think this is in any way proven. But I figure it can't hurt.
3) Trying to maintain a BMI>18.5. I'm a little underweight and always have been. Since being thin is so valued in our culture, I've always actively kept my weight lower than is "average." No more! Dessert and second helpings, here I come!
4) Still working on cutting back on the caffeine. This is going to be the hardest. I love my coffee.
5) Drinking more water. People are always telling me that I don't drink enough water. I never really gave it much thought because I don't do anything differently than I ever have: I drink a glass of water with every meal and that's it. But... I am giving up my stubborn refusal to change, because, well, you never know what might help, and it couldn't hurt. I will now drink water... gasp!... between meals.
6) Exercise. Don't get enough of it. Must. Get. Away. From. Computer.

And here are my goals for this cycle:
1) 3 follicles would be perfect. Please no more than 4 (way too many last cycle).
2) A lining >8mm (I've never had a lining that measured greater than 6.5).
3) No trigger until follies are at least 18mm, but better if they're 20mm (last cycle I was instructed to trigger 36 hours after my largest follicle measured 15.9mm, and I think it was too early).

Also, some big congratulations to Nixy at Infertility UGH and Stefanie at Baby Blakely on their BFPs! I can't wait to hear about the new road you find yourselves on! Congrats, ladies!

CD15, There Will Be Lining

2010-01-04T19:26:00.004-05:00

I thought about titling this post "a person who doctors oneself has a fool for a patient," or maybe "careful what you wish for," or even "who gave me the medical degree, anyway?"

Okay, let me back up a bit.

So, I'm a big supporter of the "you must be your own advocate" philosophy. I watch a lot of "Mystery Diagnosis," and I've learned from that show that if you sit back and let the doctor make the decisions, your rare-but-curable-if-caught-early-brain-cancer will probably be mis-diagnosed as a "virus" and you'll be sent home with a prescription for motrin and you'll suffer in pain until you finally make someone listen to you. I know this. I watch the show. And I also know how hard it is to speak up to one's doctor. I mean, they're a little intimidating. But as I learn more and more about this IF thing, and as I'm on my 4th cycle with my RE now, I've got some opinions. And some emotions, let's not forget those.

I'm emotionally opinionated.

About my lining.

Because when you've had periods your whole menstruating life of 4 to 5 days of medium to heavy bleeding and then 1 or 2 more days of light bleeding, which I understand is probably even a little heavier than average, and then you go to 36 hours of light to medium bleeding and then 5 days of pathetic little spotting, that doesn't feel normal. It feels like "no wonder I can't get knocked up, because I'm barely having a period at all."

So it seems that the 2 REs at the clinic I go to have very different opinions about my lining. Up until now I've been referring to them as RE#1 and RE#2, because up until now they've been pretty interchangeable in my mind. No longer. So I've decided to start referring to them as Dr. Young (RE#1) and Dr. Old (RE#2). They are neither all that young or all that old, but it's enough of a difference that that's what I'm going with.

Dr. Young is my assigned RE, but Dr. Old is the head doctor at the clinic. Dr. Old was the one who told me that pregnancy tests don't test below 50hcg. Dr. Young is the one who said that doing an IUI with 9 follicles was not irresponsible because he "does it all the time." So, that's them.

Anyway, met with Dr. Young today. My ultrasound showed my leftover follicles were now gone and we began to talk about moving forward with the cycle:

Dr. Young: "I see that you talked to Dr. Old about your lining last time you were in..."
(indeed I did...)
"...but the fact is that some women just have a thin lining..."
(perhaps...)
"... and there's not much we can do about it anyway..."
(umm... starting to disagree with you here...)
"...we could give you estrogen but it would only maybe increase it by a millimeter, and your estrogen levels were fine anyway..."
(well... really? You just lost me a little bit...)
"...and anyway what I really want to talk to you about is whether you want to do IVF this cycle."
(ummm, say... what?)

Me: "IVF? Why is that something we're considering?"

Dr. Young: "Well, we were considering it for last cycle."

Me: "Yes, but only because I responded too well to the gonal-f, and ended up with so many follicles. We had talked about doing 3 IUI cycles on injectables before moving on to IVF."

Dr. Young (defensively): "Okay, that's fine, we can do more IUIs if you want to."

Me: "Good, okay, so back to my lining. Last break cycle you had me start an estrogen patch at day 21 and my period was much heavier that cycle than it's been in a long time, so I think I would respond to estrogen. And my last period barely lasted 36 hours and I just don't think that's normal for me."

Dr. Young: "Okay, then here's what we'll do..."

He then proceeded to tell me that he'll prescribe me estrogen patches for this cycle, we'll do another IUI, and we'll cut back on the gonal-f.

Just what I wanted.

And so it kind of feels like when I would beg and beg my parents to buy me something and they would tell me all the reasons why they didn't want to buy it for me but then they would finally give in and then I would wonder if they had been right all along, and that maybe they were just saying yes so that I could realize it for myself. Yeah, it kind of felt like that.

So, the good news is, I got exactly what I wanted: estrogen. The bad news is, my doctor doesn't seem to agree that it's what I need or that it's going to do any good but he prescribed it for me anyway.

So, here's the rundown:
Today (1/4/10): stop BCP.
Thursday or Friday (1/7/10 or 1/8/10): predicted CD1
CD2: Start Estrogen patch, change every 3 days
CD4: Start 75iu of gonal-f for 4 days.
1/15/10 (predicted CD9 or CD10): Next u/s and b/w.

CD10, Sorta Cycling

2009-12-30T23:13:00.003-05:00

A quick update (we've been super busy and will continue to be until after this weekend)!

At u/s on December 23rd RE found 2 or 3 leftover follicles (about 27mm each) from last cycle on left ovary (rightie was all clear). He said this was not uncommon but meant I had 2 choices: 1) skip this cycle, or 2) take BCP for 10 days to see if the follicles would shrink and then we could start the cycle. Although I swear I heard him say the word "choice," he then told me that we would do option 2. Fine by me. So that's where I am now. On BCP until January 4th. Honestly, I'm glad. With the stress of the holidays the last thing I needed was to be giving myself injections and going in for ultrasounds. So the delay is actually good.

One more thing: I "spoke up" about my thin lining (6.5mm last cycle) to my RE, and he spent about 20 minutes looking into it and talking to me about it. He looked at the previous two cycles I've done with them, the first on clomid, the second on femara. He said my lining on one (I forget which) was 6.3, the other was 5.5. He told me that although a thin lining is almost expected with clomid that I shouldn't have a thin lining with gonal-f, and that this was definitely a concern (he said 8mm is minimum) and that we would watch it carefully next cycle. He said that the best way to treat it was with added estrogen, but that if I didn't respond to the estrogen they would have to perform a procedure (name? I forget) to look for adhesions.

I only remembered later that during my previous (November) unmedicated cycle I started an estrogen patch at CD21 and that AF at the end of that cycle was much heavier than what has been normal for me lately, so that seems like a good sign that my lining will respond to estrogen if I need it.

Okay, gotta go for now! Will be back to regular posting and commenting next week!

Happy New Year everyone!

CD2, No News Is Not Good News

2009-12-22T16:01:00.003-05:00

I did finally get my beta results on CD1 (yesterday). Tell me something I don't already know, RE.

I had called into the office Saturday morning to try to talk to someone and got their answering service (and they're technically open on Saturdays, too...). My RE did finally call me back Saturday night to tell me that he couldn't find the test results and wouldn't be able to get me any info until Monday. He said the word "sorry" about a half a dozen times, so points for that, but still. He'd asked if I'd taken an HPT and suggested I take another one just to make sure. I said I would but didn't, because, well, for the moment, anyway, I'm still living in reality.

So this week's going to be a crazy week for me, so I won't be posting again until next week. At this point I'm still going to try to cycle again right away, I go in tomorrow for my u/s and b/w. But I don't know what their holiday hours will be next week, so we'll see what happens.

Merry Christmas everyone!

14dpIUI, Beta Results Are... Not In

2009-12-19T10:15:00.003-05:00

Guess what time the RE finally called me yesterday with my beta results?

Never!

That's right... 7pm rolled around and I thought, "well, it's getting a little late now, but last time I didn't get a call until 7:15..." Then 8pm rolled around and I began to realize: I'm not going to get a call. And at 8pm, who do I call? The office is long closed by then. Since I took the HPT I wasn't all that anxious to get my beta call, but I could imagine what kind of state I would've been in if I hadn't done the HPT. It pissed me off a little to not get a call, but if I hadn't already done the HPT, I would've been livid.

Oh, and when I went in yesterday for the blood draw I spoke to my RE and told him I'd taken an HPT and that it was negative and guess what he said? "Well, urine pregnancy tests can only detect down to 50 hcg, and you might still be early in the pregnancy and have less than that, so we'll see what the blood test shows." What century is this guy from? It's my understanding that HPTs detect down to 25 hcg, sometimes 20 (for "early result" tests, which are the only kind I ever see at a pharmacy).

We're starting to wonder if this is the right RE for us.

13dpIUI, HPT Results Are In

2009-12-18T10:18:00.001-05:00

Starkly and undeniably negative.

12dpIUI, Getting Ready for Beta Day

2009-12-17T10:33:00.002-05:00

No new symptoms, except that today my temperature stopped falling. If it had gone down again today I probably would have given up on this cycle. Unfortunately it didn't go back up, but whatever, I'll know one way or another tomorrow so I'm going to try not to over-analyze my chart too much.

So, yeah, tomorrow is beta day. Woo-hoo! I know, I only just recently confessed my love for the 2ww, but that was way back at 8dpIUI. Like, forever ago. I'd forgotten that the last few days of the 2ww are psychological torture. The past 24 hours have been like an endless loop of "Maybe I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm pregnant with multiples! Yeah, right. I'm probably not pregnant. I probably will never be pregnant. But maybe I am pregnant. Maybe I'm..." Wow. Turn it off.

So, I'll be POAS tomorrow morning. As I've posted before, last IUI they didn't call me until 7:15pm with the beta results. What, did the RE have to go out to dinner first or something? I can't wait that long again. And I have thoroughly considered my emotional reactions to each possible outcome of POAS, so I think I'm ready:

Test is clearly positive. No need to even discuss this one. Celebration ensues. Can't wait to get the exact number from the beta.
Test is clearly negative. Hopes dashed, waiting over, small glimmer of hope that HPT was defective, but negative beta should be less soul crushing.
Test has very faint line. Hmmm. This one is the wild card. At 13dpIUI, I would hope that if did I get a line, that it would be fairly dark. A faint line would be the worst option here. But I don't think it would be any worse than not POAS.

I will post results tomorrow morning.

10dpIUI, Symptom Score

2009-12-15T21:00:00.002-05:00

I'm 10 days into the 2ww now, and I've started googling early pregnancy symptoms again. Yes, I know them all already. I've googled them about ten thousand times before. But, you know, always good to stay obsessed during the 2ww.

So, here's what I have:

Cramps like AF is about to start. This started yesterday. I've been having cramps ever since the IUI, but they've been different from AF cramps. AF-like cramps are an early pregnancy symptom, but of course, it's also a non-pregnancy symptom. And I've had AF cramps at 10dpo before, so I don't think this one counts. 0 points.
BBs are larger than normal, firm and sore. They've been like this since before the IUI and I've had this symptom on previous cycles, so I don't think this one counts either. 0 points.
My skin is breaking out more than normal, and in weird places: under my chin, on my backside. I have heard this can be an early pregnancy symptom. I have not had this symptom before. I give myself 1 point for this one.
I feel a little run down. But then, when don't I? So that one doesn't count either. 0 points.

Overall score: 1

8dpIUI, I Love You 2ww

2009-12-13T21:56:00.003-05:00

I'm not ready for the 2ww to be over. I still have 4 days (5 if you count beta-day, but I'll probably POAS that morning), but I want more time! Is that weird? I know everyone wants the 2ww to be over with already, but I kind of like it. Ok, I kind of love it. Because when it ends, I'm going to be a lot less pregnant than I am now (which is not very much, I admit). And because sometimes during the 2ww I just have a warm happy feeling of "I could be pregnant. Right. Now..." and then I get all starry eyed and swoony...

Anyway... so, I'd like to take this opportunity to acknowledge my beta buddies. Um, it's not like we've formed an official club or anything... well, at least I haven't asked them yet! But these 3 bloggers have the same beta day as me: Friday, December 18th, and I, for one, am pleased as punch that I am going to have some company that day. And I have to think that at least one of us will get a BFP. 1 out of 4 is pretty likely, right? Of course, I'm hoping 2 or 3 or even all 4 of us will get good news! And I do know that if I get a BFN and at least one (or more!) of these ladies gets a BFP it will make my BFN a lot easier.

Melissa at Banking On It. This is her 6th IUI. Good luck, Melissa! (I don't know for sure her beta is Friday but her IUI was the same day as mine)
A at Remember All the Way. This is A's 2nd IUI. Good luck, A!
Rachel at Our Journey, But Not Our Plan. This is her first FET after her first IVF. Good luck, Rachel!

7dpIUI, Way Too Much of My Medical History

2009-12-12T16:17:00.003-05:00

Today is 7dpIUI#2 and my temperature went up a little. Of course, that really means nothing at this point, but now that I'm in week 2 of the 2ww, I'm going to be over-analyzing every little thing from now until beta-day!

I know it's still early for pregnancy related symptoms, but I have had what I assume are non-pregnancy related symptoms. Ever since the IUI I've been having pain, discomfort and cramping all through my lower abdomen. Sometimes on the left or right, as if it's ovary related, but mostly in the middle. Last night it was worse than usual. I was awake at 4am with this feeling like someone had implanted a brick in my lower abdomen - it felt uncomfortably bloated down there, and painful. When I pressed on my abdomen, below my belly button, it hurt. I've had these symptoms before, mostly 1-2 days post-ovulation. I doubt this is any sort of early pregnancy sign or implantation related pain. I think it's probably a sign that something's not working right down there.

I guess now's as good a time as any to relate some of my medical history leading up to our current situation. About 3 years ago I started feeling "full" a lot. The best way to describe it is a feeling like, even when I hadn't eaten recently, my stomach was "bigger than normal," and when I did eat, after just a few bites, even though I was still hungry, my stomach felt so bloated and distended it was like I'd just had thanksgiving dinner. I stopped being able to eat an entire sandwich in one sitting. I could eat maybe half a sandwich, but I'd have to wait an hour or even two before I could eat the other half because I felt so stuffed. At first I thought it was constipation and began various over the counter remedies, none of which had any affect. So, about 6 months after the symptoms began, I saw my GP. He said it was probably Irritable Bowel Syndrome and gave me a list of foods to avoid, but also referred me to a gastroenterologist. I felt the IBS diagnosis was unlikely because A) my symptoms did not come and go based on the foods I ate (even drinking a glass of water caused my symptoms), and B) the foods on his "avoid" list I never touched: they were things like fried and processed foods, and I eat mostly fresh vegetables, fruits and whole grains (I am actually kind of obsessed with eating healthy).

The gastroenterologist did a series of tests. Let's see if I can remember them all: lower bowel series (where you swallow a barium milkshake and then they x-ray your intestines), upper endoscopy with biopsy (tube w/ camera down your throat while sedated), colonoscopy (tube w/ camera up your backside while sedated), capsule test (where you swallow a tiny camera). Those were the invasive ones: also bloodwork, stool analysis, etc.

He found nothing wrong with me.

At my annual gynecological exam, I mentioned my symptoms to my OB/GYN and she almost immediately said that one thing it could be was endometriosis. Sorry to be graphic, but she did a rectal exam that caused me extreme discomfort, and she said that this discomfort also pointed towards endo. She told me that the only way to confirm endo was through laprascopy, and that she was willing to do that whenever I was ready for it. I wanted to think about it and see how my symptoms progressed or didn't progress before making a decision, but then, about 3 months later, I got a letter from her office telling me that she would be no longer accepting my insurance in about a month.

After that, I lived with my symptoms for about a year, until we decided to start ttc back in November of 2008. Something told me that, based on my symptoms; the results of the tests the gastroenterologist had run; and the diagnosis by my OB/GYN, that we would have problems getting pregnant. But the way I figured it was, if I got pregnant easily, then I wouldn't have to worry anymore about my symptoms being reproductive in origin, and if I didn't get pregnant easily, then I'd know my symptoms were probably reproductive in origin, I'd have some tests done, and I'd know what the problem was. I even remember thinking back at the end of 2008 that either I'd get pregnant in 2009, or I'd find out what was causing my symptoms in 2009, and that one way or the other things would be resolved in 2009. Well, so much for that idea, because I'm neither pregnant nor do I know what's wrong with me.

I will say, however, that I'm more aware of how my symptoms relate to my cycles now than I was a year ago. There seems to be a high correlation between my worst symptoms and the week after ovulation, although this doesn't hold true 100% of the time.

So, I'm not surprised at all that, since I had so many follicles this cycle, I have so much pain and discomfort now. I really think endo is my problem, which almost makes me wish we'd gone with the IVF this cycle. I don't think IUIs are going to work for me.

One thing I do take comfort in is that I've read that the severity of endo symptoms often do not correspond with the severity of the disease, i.e. women with advanced endo might have no symptoms, and women with mild endo might have extreme pain and discomfort. And, also, there are a few typical endo symptoms that I don't have: AF is generally light to moderate (actually getting lighter for me, not heavier), and AF has also lately been less painful recently, not more. Whatever that means.

But, at least I feel like we have a plan now, and we're making progress. Even if we get a BFN this cycle, it will be in pursuit of my double goal: getting a diagnosis and, even better, getting a baby.

5dpIUI, Babies, Julia, and Me

2009-12-10T19:06:00.003-05:00

I love/hate babies.

I love them in my imagination and I love them in my dreams. I love my friend's baby (and thank goodness I only have one friend with a baby, because I think for now that's enough).

But I hate public babies. What do I mean? Those babies whose parents have decided they are a gift that they have given to the world, and who try to get you to acknowledge their baby's adorableness by theatrically fussing and cooing over them in public. I don't play their game. I'm like the cranky old-maid that walks by with her head held high and says, "Pshaw!"

Oooohhhhh.... I'm a bitter bitter woman.

But, on a related note, I watched Julie and Julia last night, and really appreciated the shout-out to the infertiles. For anyone who hasn't seen it, there's a scene where Julia Child gets a letter from her newly married sister with the announcement that she's pregnant. Julia, her voice catching, says to her husband, "Isn't that just wonderful news?" She then begins to cry and buries her head in his shoulder. "Yes, it is," he says as he strokes her hair. "I'm so happy," she says through tears. "I know," he says, patting her gently, "I know you are."

The most wonderful thing about the movie, of course, is how wonderfully happy and full of life Julia Child is. It's an inspiration, really. She so longed for children, but lived an amazing and accomplished life without them.

And so, she inspires me to throw off my bitterness, and to instead look at all the wonderful things in my life and say, through my tears, "I'm so happy!" Because, as Julia knew, what else can you do but live the life you have to its fullest?

3dpIUI, IFROCGD

2009-12-08T22:13:00.003-05:00

The boredom and restlessness of the 2ww have begun. The solution: IFROCGD (Infertility Related Obsessive Compulsive Googling Disorder). Today's search: E2 levels as they relate to follicle size.

(Yes, I'm still obsessed with the size of my follicles.)

I triggered 36 hours after my follicles were at the following sizes (this is CD9) (does not include follicles under 10mm):

10.83
11.35
11.67
12.53
14.01
14.14
14.48
14.66
15.16
15.29
15.58
15.78
15.93

(Phew, that's a lot!)

My E2 level on that day (CD9) was 599 pg/ml.

What I wanted to know: Is that E2 level too low? Because it seems kind of low, for that many follicles.

What I learned: Apparently each mature follicle should contribute 150-200 pg/ml towards the overall level, but all follicles contribute, not just the mature ones, so you can't just divide your total by 150 or 200 to know how many mature follicles you have. So, I'm not sure if it was low or not. But I did read that E2 levels over 1000 are related to a higher incidence of HOM ("High Order Multiples": learned that today, too).

I also learned that follicles grow from 1 to 2mm per 24 hours, and that follicles are considered mature at varying sizes, but 18mm-20mm seems to be about standard. My two largest follicles (15.78 and 15.93) might have just made 18 by the time I triggered 36 hours later. Of course I injected two more shots of gonal-f during that 36 hours, so hopefully they were on the high side of the estimate.

I've also been thinking a lot about IUI/IVF success statistics and what they really mean (to me). Haven't googled it yet. But then, I have 11 more days of the 2ww to go, so I've got plenty of time!

(Somebody stop me.)

1 dpIUI, Hello 2ww!

2009-12-06T17:11:00.003-05:00

Dear 2ww,

I've missed you.

Yes, I know, I know: we haven't gotten along very well in the past. But I've been really looking forward to seeing you again. The thing is, when I'm not with you, there's just so much to do, and so many decisions to be made, and all I can think about is getting off that crazy roller coaster and us spending some quality time together!

Having said that, I have to be honest: you're already kind of getting on my nerves. I'm sorry to have to tell you that when we've only been together again since yesterday, but we both know how you've treated me in the past, and I can't help but think our time together for the next two weeks is not going to be much fun. I know it's rude to bring up past transgressions, but your behavior last cycle was so not cool. Remember? I had that textbook temperature dip at 7dpo? And you totally got my hopes up? And then you crushed them 3 days later when my temperature took a nosedive? Yeah, that wasn't funny. It was actually kind of cruel.

Look, okay, maybe the temperature nosedive was your way of breaking the news to me gently. I'm going to try to look at it that way. But that "implantation" dip? How about let's agree that you don't do that again. Unless we're really pregnant. Okay?

But I did miss you.

Your frenemy, Jane

CD11. What. Ever.

2009-12-04T10:29:00.001-05:00

I've already gone from being worried about getting too pregnant to now worrying about not getting pregnant enough.

I was so obsessed with those 9 rapidly progressing follicles that it took we a while to realize that I'm being triggered kind of early this cycle. Now, I love to second guess my RE as much as the next infertile lady, so of course I'm thinking about how last IUI cycle the RE told me to trigger 60 hours after I had my u/s that showed a 21mm and an 18mm follicle (granted, I also got a positive OPK the day after that u/s, about 24 hours before I was supposed to do the trigger, so maybe they waited too long...). This time, I was told to trigger 24 hours after my u/s showed only 2 follicles over 16mm. Of course the big difference is that last time I was doing a femara cycle, and this time it's injectables, and I have continued the injectables all the way through last night, so it seems likely that that could speed things up at the end. But, I'm still worried that I triggered too soon and all those follicles are going to end up going to waste.

But you know what? What. Ever. I have to say that I'm sick of this roller coaster. I've even started having thoughts of what it would be like if we just stopped trying. We were happy together for 7 years without much thought of a family, and I feel pretty confident we could go back to that. It's going to be such a relief when we're done with IF, whether through a pregnancy or just giving up.

Also, I had an IF dream last night. I don't have that many, thank goodness, but I thought this one was interesting (although aren't dreams always more interesting to the dreamer than anyone else?).

In my dream, the fertility clinic I had been going to (not the one I go to in real life) had moved, and no one would tell me where they had moved to because at their new location they were going to only be treating women whose infertility was explained, not women with unexplained infertility (like me). The implication was that they knew they could help women with explained infertility, so that was the only women they really saw a point in treating. They told me I had to go to another fertility clinic for women with unexplained infertility, but when I went to try and find it, I couldn't. I kept getting out of the elevator at different floors in the building it was supposed to be in, but it just didn't seem to exist. It made me feel rejected and hopeless. And, yes, if you are reading into this an underlying jealousy of those women who know why they aren't getting pregnant, you're right. Part of me wishes I had a problem that could at least be treated. I know, I know, careful what you wish for...

So, I did the ovidrel and last 150 of the gonal-f last night. I'm glad to be done with the injections. I got a half positive on an OPK this morning (did an OPK yesterday too and it was very negative). IUI is tomorrow at 9am.

CD10, Crazy Infertile Lady Allowed to Go Insane

2009-12-03T09:55:00.003-05:00

Here's what happened yesterday.

First, the ultrasound. My lining is on the thin side: 6.5mm, but apparently it is "beautiful" and "homogeneous." On to the follicles: I have 9 follicles measuring over 14mm (two of those are over 16mm), I have 15 follicles total that are over 10mm. As I was still considering IVF at that point, I asked the doctor if I had started out as an IVF cycle, what number of follicles would they have liked to see. She told me that the standard is "5 to 13," so I was well within that. (BTW, the Dr. performing the ultrasound was the same one that I had spoken to at my last visit, the one who had told me that if we went forward with the IUI we would have a higher than normal risk of multiples, and had offered IVF to me as an alternative.)

After the ultrasound and bloodwork, DH and I met her in her office to discuss our plan. DH shocked me by completely taking control of the situation and asking her about a bazillion questions about IVF versus IUI to the point that she said, "You know, I'm not sure I have all the answers you're looking for, maybe it would be better for you to speak with one of the doctors. Hold on." (note: she is an NP, not one of the main 2 REs at the clinic).

We were sent back to the waiting room to wait for RE#1 (my assigned doctor).

It was nice to see him, finally, as he is the doctor that I started with, and the one who knows the most about my progress so far. But as soon as we sat down it was clear he was not on board with IVF. Although he didn't exclude the option, and he answered all of DH's questions, it was clear that he was leaning toward IUI for us. It was also quickly clear that DH was in doctor love.

Basically, the RE's opinion was this: we are not at the point in our infertility treatments where it makes sense to move forward to IVF. He felt that it would be too aggressive. And the only reason not to go forward with IUI would be the increased risk of multiples.

So, really, what it comes down to is our tolerance for the multiples risk. As I said in my earlier post, DH and I would very much prefer a singleton to twins. And anything above that is out of the question. What makes this so hard to wrap my head around is that even with 9-15 follicles, our chances of failure this cycle are still far greater than our chances of success. There is still only a 20% chance of pregnancy. The main difference between this cycle and a "normal" one is that our multiples risk has gone from 10% to 20%, with most of that risk being in the twin category. But another way to look at it is, if our chance at getting pregnant is 20%, and our chance of having twins or more if we get pregnant is 20%, than our overall chance for twins or more this cycle is 4%. So it seems pretty unlikely.

Of course, then I think about the fact that most likely I will have at least 9 mature follicles this cycle and it seems insane to do an IUI. Just insane. I have not heard of anyone else doing IUI with this kind of response. At one point in our meeting with RE#1 he said, "Would doing an IUI under these circumstances be irresponsible? Well, the answer to that is: I do it all the time." (!!!!!)

So, it ends up like this: I am relying on my RE and DH to be my voices of reason. Of course I want to do IUI: the more follicles the better! But I'm a crazy infertile lady hopped up on fertility drugs! I trust them to hold me back if I want to do something nuts, and yet here I am the one leaning toward the more conservative route.

So, I'm putting my trust in them that this is not crazy.

Is this crazy?

CD9, Ugh

2009-12-02T23:22:00.005-05:00

Ugh. We're going with IUI. Do I have mixed feelings about this? Yes. Yes I do. But I would have had mixed feelings no matter which decision we made.

I may write a longer post about how we arrived at this decision later. For now, I just don't have the energy.

IUI scheduled for Saturday at 9am.

CD8, What to Do?

2009-12-01T10:07:00.006-05:00

Currently, I'm leaning toward converting to IVF. Or cancelling. But not IUI. I don't like the multiples risk. DH doesn't seem to think reduction would be a big deal if we found ourselves facing that, but I kind of think it would be a big deal. It's one of those things that you can think about theoretically and be okay with, but I suspect that if we were actually looking at multiple implanted embryos on a monitor, I would be a complete wreck about having to decide to reduce.

I didn't get the ganirelix last night. A pharmacy was supposed to call me and never did. But I did do the higher dose (150 instead of 75) of gonal-f. The higher dose may end up taking IUI off the table as an option because of my concerns about multiples, but will leave open the IVF option, and, of course, the cancelling option.

I'm working on finding out what happened with the ganirelix prescription now, and will probably pick it up today. Then do another 150 gonal-f tonight, then back to the RE tomorrow.

I called my RE to get pricing for IVF and here's what I found out:

$8000 + $500 for anesthesia
$700 if I want to freeze embryos
Any future FET cycles $3500/each

Also, I would be paying less for this IVF because I started it as an IUI, since I'm covered for all bloodwork and ultrasounds while I'm still in IUI mode. If I do another IVF in the future that starts as an IVF cycle, the cost would be $11,000.

Although we're leaning toward IVF right now, we'll of course wait to see how everything looks tomorrow before making a decision. I think we're also leaning toward only transferring one embryo if we go the IVF route. But there are a few things I'd like to know before we make a decision:

How many mature follicles are there likely going to be? If we started this as an IVF cycle, would there have been more than that? Is it a reasonable number to go forward with IVF? (I'm afraid we're going to end up falling in some sort of gray area: too many follicles for IUI but too few for IVF)
If we do IVF and fail, can we go back to IUI, or are we better off going on with IVF?
What are the chances of twins if we transfer 2 embryos?
What are the chances of twins/multiples if we do IUI?

I feel like this is all happening so quickly. I really don't even know how IVF works. I mean, I do, but if we knew we were doing IVF going into this, I would have read up on it a lot more.

Are there any other questions that I should ask tomorrow? (If anyone wants to give me advice, I would welcome some!)

CD7, Future Oc.to.mom

2009-11-30T16:52:00.003-05:00

Unexpected results today. Apparently, I'm a good responder to gonal-f. Too good. I had a lot of follicles. 5 on my right and, like, 8 on my left. I have a 15mm, a 14mm, a 13mm, a few 12mm, and then a few smaller than that. The first thing the doctor said to me was that if we did an IUI this cycle I'd have a high risk of multiples.

"How do you feel about that?" she asked.

I laughed.

I had to. I mean, come on. No one wants to be the next octo.mom. To be completely honest, I don't even want twins. If it came down to a choice of never having children ever or twins, I'd take the twins, in a heartbeat, but I would really really prefer just one. For now. And DH agrees, even more strongly than I do. But, then again, I really really want to get pregnant, and there was a part of me (there still is) that was giddy with excitement over so many follicles. Just giddy. Ugh.

So, my options at this point are:

Cancel the cycle
Go forward with IUI with higher than average risk of multiples
Convert to IVF

Yes, convert to IVF. I didn't even know you could do that. But the doctor told me that with the number of follicles I already have, yes, absolutely, I could totally 100% do IVF. She didn't even blink.

Now, confession, I've had a sneaky suspicion for a while that we would end up at IVF eventually. I don't know why. My infertility is currently in the "unexplained" category, but I have a suspicion that endometriosis is my problem (or one of my problems) and my RE told me (although I have not heard this elsewhere) that IUI generally does not work for women with endo, but that IVF does. So, anyway, I'm totally okay with IVF, I have already become comfortable with the idea that that's where we might find ourselves eventually, and, honestly, I like the success rates of IVF when compared with IUI. Sure, they're not 100%, but I'll take 40-50% over 15% any day.

But, I'm covered for IUI, and not for IVF. I only have a ballpark of what IVF would cost me, and it's not cheap: $6500 - $8000, but I'm okay with the expense. (A couple years ago I had to have a bridge replaced by two crowns, which required a tooth extraction, two posts and two caps, with the total bill eventually coming to over $11,000, and I figure if I can spend that much on 2 stupid teeth, I can spend it to get a baby.) And we do have the money.

But, I don't like being put in the position of having to decide mid-cycle. And it just seems like really soon to be already going the IVF route. I have to go back on Wednesday to check my progress, but until then I have a few options. If I want to do IVF, they've suggested that I get ganirelix today in order to make sure I don't ovulate too soon, and continue doing 150iu of gonal-f today and tomorrow. If I don't want to do IVF, I've been advised to cut down the gonal-f to 75iu today and tomorrow, no ganirelix.

Oh, and I called my insurance company to find out if I'm covered for reduction in case of a multiple pregnancy (the doctor advised me to find this out), and I'm not, but they also told me that I'm not covered for IUI, which I am. At least I think I am. My RE says that I am, and I haven't gotten a bill from the last one, but now I'm afraid that I'm actually not covered. I didn't push the issue with my insurance company because now I'm thinking that maybe, technically, I'm not covered, but somehow I've slipped through, but if I make an issue of it then they'll realize that they've been covering me for something that I'm actually not covered for... geez!!

The easiest thing to do would be to just cancel this cycle and hope that an adjustment in the dosage next cycle will prevent this from happening again. But, who wants to ever cancel a cycle?

So, I don't know what I'm going to do.

CD4, A Little... Crazy

2009-11-27T23:17:00.005-05:00

IUI#2 is on!

No one had anything negative to say about the state of my ovaries at the RE on Wednesday, so I was given the green light to start the gonal-f. I started my injections yesterday evening, and I've done two 150iu injections so far, and I'll do two more before I go back for monitoring on Monday. Physically, the injections have been fine: not painful or even really that uncomfortable, but, mentally, I am so weirded out by injecting liquid into my stomach. Yuck.

Speaking of mentally: today when I got to work, I, um, had a bit of a... crazy attack. I kind of got really pissed off about what I perceived as a co-worker's extreme incompetence and irresponsibility and almost... almost, told him off about it, when all of a sudden I started feeling really anxious and kind of light headed and that's when I realized that I was way way too mad, and that I should not be practically hyperventilating over what was more of an annoyance than anything, and I realized... gonal-f.

So I decided that I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone or make any big decisions for the rest of the day. And I didn't. And it turned out fine. But now I'm worried about the rest of the weekend. I told DH and he thinks it's... funny. So at least one of us is laughing.

13dpo, or, as it's known this cycle, CD1

2009-11-24T13:32:00.004-05:00

AF came early. Taking it well because I've known for days - which is the best argument I have for temping during the 2ww - my temps started dropping a few days ago, and it was clear to me what that meant. And I also find getting AF to be so much less disappointing than a beta results call (the one that takes my RE over 6 hours to make).

So on to IUI#2 (hopefully)!

I'm a little worried about how I'll take it if I get a BFN next cycle, though. My reaction to my BFN my first IUI cycle was kind of a meltdown. Because it was the first time we'd tried IUI, and so I was convinced that it was definitely going to work. Everything was timed perfectly, I had 2 mature follicles on each ovary, and then... BFN. DH was out with friends when I got the beta call. I had been pretending that it was no big deal, but when I got the results I immediately called DH. He was at a bar and it was loud and I asked him if he could please come home, and he said "what? I can't hear you," and so I said "can you come home now, please?" and he said "what?" and I... hung up on him.

Right? You're with me on this one, right?

Anyway, he called me back and of course I didn't answer and I guess he quickly put two and two together because he was home within 15 minutes. I had been holding it together until he asked "what?" for the second time and then I lost it. He came home and I didn't speak to him for 2 hours, I just sulked in bed, not even crying but just not talking as he sat next to me and tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn't let him. Yeah, sometimes I don't act my age. (You know how in my last post I said that DH has never been mad at me? Well, it's not like I haven't ever given him a reason...)

I finally spoke after 2 hours. I think the first thing I said was "it's not fair." Because, well, it's not.

So, this will be my first injectable cycle, and my test date will be right before Christmas and during a visit from my parents. And my parents don't know we're TTC or that we're having, um, challenges. But, I'm going to try to be tough, and I'm going to try to keep to my new philosophy: I'm going to stay hopeful, but I'm going to focus my hope on the long term, and not on one particular cycle.

12dpo, Thankful

2009-11-23T10:04:00.003-05:00

Temps dropping, still spotting. Not looking good for this cycle. And AF is due on Thanksgiving day (!). Good thing we don't have any big plans for the holiday. I will be cooking a turkey and we might have a couple friends over, but that's it. I love Thanksgiving, but this year I just haven't felt like putting in the effort. But I know I still have a lot to be thankful for:

DH - the kindest and most generous man I have ever met. We have been together over 7 years and he has never yelled or even been mad at me. I'm not kidding. He's a keeper.
Our families. We both have wonderful, loving, kind and supportive families.
Our dog. He brings such joy to both of our lives, and I couldn't imagine life without him.
Our jobs. We have them, and they're not that bad (most of the time!). We have several friends who have been laid off and unemployed for months, or, in one case, over a year.
Our friends. They constantly surprise me with their thoughtfulness and generosity. I have a lot to learn from them.
Finally, the blogosphere. It has been so gratifying to see that there are other women going through the same emotions I'm going through, walking the same difficult road of IF. Your stories inspire me to be more courageous and optimistic; to have an open heart and an open mind; and to not let this IF thing get me down (at least not that much!).

9dpo, Trying Not To Think About It

2009-11-20T10:31:00.002-05:00

Had some spotting yesterday. Also started the est.rogen (viv.elle patch). Related? Or implantation spotting? Or the spotting that I usually get a few days before AF? Trying not to think about it.

7dpo, Officially Getting My Hopes Up

2009-11-18T12:37:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best for me to not continue temping through the 2ww. I had a temperature dip today. Not below my cover line, but significant. Implantation dip?

But I'm trying to stay focused on the long term. I got my meds today for next month's injectable cycle. Almost paid over $800 for them because the pharm.acy told me that I'd reached my "maximum benefit" of $3000. Say what? How could that happen? Well, I called my insurance and was told that it was because of a $2900 prescription in August. The one for the injectables that I never filled because my portion would be $1600 and, well, that's a lot of money for someone who has just started going to the RE. I mean, can we do some lower tier stuff first? Anyway, I had to get that pharm.acy to reverse the claim so that my new pharm.acy could resubmit and then, voila, it was all covered - I just had to pay my co-pays. Phew!

So, I'm on track for an injectable cycle, and I'm focusing on the long term, and I will keep temping this month, because then there's the other part of me that's afraid that my temperature will stay down, and what does that mean? Nothing good, I'm sure.

5dpo, End of the "Magic Time"

2009-11-16T20:03:00.002-05:00

I think the days between ovulation and around 5dpo are the "magic time."

I don't like the first 2 weeks of a cycle because I'm so afraid that something will go wrong, especially that somehow we'll "miss the window": that DH won't be able to "do his part," or that I'll ovulate early and the IUI/BD will be too late. And of course all the drugs, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc., etc. But then, if everything works, you enter the 2ww - and, at first, you can relax. And it seems like I relax for the first 5 days, not thinking about POAS or analyzing my every little symptom, not thinking about the next cycle, or if there will be a next cycle. And then I get to a day when I think "hmmm... I feel a little crampy," and I realize that implantation could have happened by now, and then that magical time when I don't have to think about this cycle and I don't have to think about next cycle is gone and now I'm analyzing everything, I'm wondering what day of the week 14dpo is, I'm thinking about how my next cycle I'm supposed to do injectables for the first time, but that maybe, just maybe, I won't have to...

So, I'm officially now mentally and emotionally in the 2ww. As a reminder, this is a "natural," not assisted cycle for me, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope. And I'm trying to concentrate on the long term outcome, and not the outcome of this particular cycle.

By the way, on other blogs I've been reading about telling friends/family about TTC/IF versus not telling them and I just want to weigh in that I have not told a soul (except my GYN, my RE, and of course my DH). And here is my reason: if we are not successful, I don't want to be known as the couple who could not get pregnant, I would much rather be known as the couple who chose not to have children. My plan is that if we are not successful, this's what I'll tell people: we just didn't really want children. And hopefully no one will ever ask me my reasons for not wanting children...

The only people I plan on telling are my parents, and if we're not successful, I will have to tell them. My brother and his wife has strongly hinted that they don't want (or even like, apparently) children, and I know that my parents, especially my mother, would love grandchildren, so I can't let her think that we also decided we didn't want kids. I will tell them, but not yet.

And that's also a big reason why I'm blogging - I don't really have anyone to talk to about all of this. And I can't talk to DH, and that's just as much my fault as his. From the beginning I've felt uncomfortable talking about any of it to him. Confession: I temp in secret. I know that's really weird. He knows that I temp, in theory, but I do it in secret every day. Oh, and I don't temp in bed. I gave that up long ago - my temperature does not change going from the bed to the bathroom, I've tested this. So, anyway, I temp in the bathroom, when he's in the kitchen making coffee, so he can't hear the thermometer beep. And I don't tell him when I start the OPKs, only when I get a positive. And I don't tell him when I get AF, I just tell him that I have to go back to the doctor (implying it's a new cycle). He does not know that I've ever done a HPT. And he doesn't know I have a blog.

So, what does that mean to our relationship that we don't talk about these things, he doesn't ask about these things, and that I actively hide some of this from him? Well, I think we have a strong relationship, and we love each other, and we get along 95% of the time, and he also wants to have children (although maybe not as much as me).

I don't know what compels me to hide these things from him. I think we are both just very private people. I used to date a guy that was the least private person that maybe I've ever met - he had no problem telling everyone exactly what he thought, whether bad or good. In one way it was very freeing when we were together. He would ask me very personal questions and expect answers, and although I had my limits, for the most part I went along with it. But that's not how I am naturally. So, I'm very private, and I think so is DH. I actually wish he would ask me about this stuff, although admittedly when he has, my responses have been somewhat awkward and terse - probably not very encouraging to him.

Honestly, I often think that he and I could use some counseling. Okay, I said it. But not because we're not getting along, just because I think maybe we'd both be happier in our own lives if we could open up to each other more. Sigh.

No Temp Rise, CD13, Not How I Roll

2009-11-11T10:26:00.002-05:00

Well, no temp rise today, which is somewhat unexpected for me. So I guess either A) I'm ovulating today and I'll see a temp rise tomorrow, or B) who knows.

No BD for us today, though. DH is not an every day kind of guy. I mean, he's almost 50. He needs time to recharge his batteries. Which is fine. Could that be one of our problems? Sure could.

And, on the subject of husbands/male partners, we all know that they "don't get it." A lot of this we blame on the fact that they don't have to go through what we have to go through - the blood draws, the ultrasounds, the drugs, the temping, the shots, and then the countdown to testing. Oh, and doctor's visits, the waiting rooms, the traveling, etc., etc. We think that if only they could go through some of what we go through then they would understand.

I say, it's a good thing they don't have to go through what we have to go through. Because they wouldn't do it. You really think any guy is going to take his temperature every morning? Go to the doctor every 3 days to have BW and a US? Take drugs that make him crazy? Stick himself with needles? No way. He'd say "you know what, I think we're doing fine on our own. We just need to keep trying."

Why? Because for us ladies it's all about the end result, for guys it's all about the means to that end. Unless we have a baby in our arms, then we feel like failures. For guys, as long as they're still BDing, then they're succeeding.

So, I think it's a good thing the ladies are running the show here. Honestly, I think this is inherent biologically. The ladies want the babies. We think about the babies. We imagine them in our arms, we think about dressing them, feeding them, putting them to bed at night. They are tangible to us, and we want them. This is why you never hear about a man stealing someone's baby. It's always a woman who does it. We want that baby. Men just want to keep doing what they know works to get a baby, BDing. They feel the baby as an abstract concept that will appear at some point as long as they keep doing what nature is telling them to do.

So. That's my theory.

A little +OPK, A little BD, CD12, That's How I Roll

2009-11-10T21:24:00.002-05:00

Surprise! Last month is was CD16, this month CD12. Like I said before, test early, test often. Most likely I'm ovulating today. That is also how I roll - temp change day after first positive OPK. Things are going smoothly so far this cycle, except for the cancelled IUI. CD12 is a bit early, which I think will somewhat lower my chances (too much time spent on FF comparing pregnancy vs. ovulation charts), but I feel pretty good overall right now. Talk to me in 13 days.

CD 11, Staying Hopeful, Not Getting Hopes Up

2009-11-09T09:59:00.003-05:00

3 cycles ago I missed my ovulation. Granted, my cycle was only 17 days long, so little did I know when I started OPKs at day 12 that I only had 5 days left in the cycle (I was not temping that cycle, either). I blame the shortness on coming off of clomid, but the lesson I've learned is test early, test often. And temp every day. It's just that after testing for 12 months and temping (most months) for the last 10, it gets a bit tiresome, doesn't it? Anyway, I started testing on day 10 this cycle, and I'm temping daily, so I won't miss it this time!

I remember when we first started trying I stopped buying the big boxes of tampons and pantyliners, the ones that would last me through several AFs, because, well, I wouldn't need them, right? Ha! I'm back to buying in bulk now. And it's better that way anyway. I put the word "hopeful" in the title of my blog because I'm trying to stay that way, but remaining hopeful and getting one's hopes up are two different things. Staying hopeful is staying positive, not letting IF get you down (too much), and remembering all the good things in life. Getting one's hopes up is betting on one cycle instead of on the long term outcome; it's thinking that TTC is the most important thing instead of one of many important things.

So, I'm trying to stay hopeful.

TTC 1 Year Anniversary

2009-11-04T19:38:00.002-05:00

Oh, BTW, this month is our 1 year anniversary TTC. We had the "talk" last November, and for some reason I knew we needed to get down to business right away, so we skipped the "let's just throw out the BCP and see what happens" phase and went straight to the POAS phase. I guess I knew it wouldn't be easy for us.

Also, DH turns 50 this month. Not a big deal, really, as it seems that he's not the problem. But it makes me wonder, sometimes, if I'm not pushing too hard for something that's supposed to take some time for us. The fact is neither one of us are that young. I'm 34. With my old eggs and his old sperm, maybe it just takes a little longer for 2 good ones to meet up. And maybe that's what the chemical pregnancy was all about - my body doing the right thing and rejecting an embryo that didn't pass muster. And, anyway, I know that 1 year isn't really that long... and I'm trying to keep that in mind more often.

Scratch That

2009-11-02T19:56:00.002-05:00

Well, an interesting turn of events. Lots of info from today, and I'm still processing.

Met with Dr. RE#1 after US and BW. The first thing he wanted to talk about was my lining. Now, AF has been seeming lighter and lighter, and this was happening even before I did any assisted cycles, and so this was something I had mentioned to Dr. RE#1 before and he'd told me last cycle that everything looked good, that my lining was fine. But today he says he's concerned about it, so, okay, well, that's good I guess, because my light AFs have been concerning me. I ask how thick it is and he says 7.8, and that 7 is the minimum. He also says that he's concerned about the lining because I had a chemical pregnancy my first assisted cycle with them.

(Now, here's where it gets complicated and I'm going to fill you in on more messy details. It's never simple, is it? My first cycle with my RE, back in July, I took clomid, did a trigger, but did not do IUI. He asked me to come in for my beta 9dpo. Now, I thought this sounded a bit early, but this was my first cycle with the RE and I just thought that's how they did it. Anyway, the 9dpo beta came back positive, but I was told it was low and I'd have to come back Monday (1st beta was Friday). What a great weekend that was. Luckily, DH and I were out of town at a family wedding and I didn't have too much time to worry about it. On Monday, 12dpo, the beta was negative. He told me the numbers were, I think, 7 or 9 on Friday, and 2 on Monday. The next cycle I did with the RE the NP told me to come in for my beta at 14dpo. If that had been the protocol the first time I never even would have had a positive beta. I wonder if it wasn't just a false positive from the trigger. I mean, testing at 9dpo? WTF? But anyway, my RE now has it down that I've had a chemical pregnancy.)

So, because of this "chemical pregnancy," he is of the opinion that maybe I can get pregnant, but maybe my lining is the problem. And maybe he's right. So, what this means is he wants me to do injectables. So, that's fine. I don't mind injecting myself, actually (at least the trigger has been fine), but I know injectables will be a lot more expensive that what I've been doing so far, so there's that. So, fine, whatever, we'll do injectables.

Next, he says that my follicles look like they're already too big. He's says "they're not that big but they look big." Whatever that means (at least one was 10mm). He explains that he doesn't want to do an assisted cycle because whatever drugs I would take would feed those follicles that are already developing at the expense of other less mature follicles. I gather this to mean that I would end up with one or two mature follicles, very quickly, and nothing else, and he wants me to have more mature follicles than that, but not as quickly. I'm not exactly sure, but what it came out to was that we're not doing any drugs this cycle and then on cycle day 21 he wants me to start estrogen patches to "quiet things down" so we can start with "a clean slate" next month. This is called "estrogen priming" and it's usually done before IVF cycles. I'm not familiar with any of this. I will be googling later.

Finally, at one point in our conversation, as I was asking whether I really needed to move on to expensive injectables instead of staying with affordable non-injectables, and saying that I was thinking about the long term cost (i.e. if we have to eventually move on to IVF and we've already spent thousands of dollars on injectables, we may not have the funds to do more than one IVF), he outlined something for me on a piece of paper. He said that for most women the course of action would be to do 3 IUIs with clomid, then 3 IUIs with injectables, then 3 IVFs, until successful, and that would have a 97% chance of success. He also said that if one were to skip the IUIs and just do 3 IVFs, this would also have a 97% success rate (but he does not recommend this, of course). Really? 97%? Those odds sound... really good. That has actually eased my mind somewhat.

So, I was a bit disappointed overall. I'm itching to get back to it since we were forced to take last month off due to travel and scheduling conflicts. It's very upsetting to think we are going to have to wait another month. He did say that we can try on our own this month, and of course we will, and who knows, right?

So, no IUI#2 for me this cycle. But I will still chart and use the OPKs, and I will update through the month.